Monday, February 28, 2011

Love Plus One (Then Minus One)

I’m not quite sure when the affair started. Certainly the love crept up on me unawares. It was a shock. Unexpected. I hadn’t done anything out of the ordinary; hadn’t gone out of my way to be especially nice. There were no longing looks, no flirty comments. If anything I was as perfunctory as I’ve always been; as I still am.

But gradually I noticed the mysterious extra comments on my blog posts. Comments that no blog reader had left.

Sounds strange, doesn’t it? But it gets stranger still. Because there were no actual extra comments. Not unless they were invisible.

I checked and I rechecked. But the result was always the same. At the end of my blog posts, the link to the comments page always reported there being one extra comment than there actually was. I’d follow the link. I’d count up the comments. 40 for example. But on the bottom of the post it would say 41.

It had been going on for months.

A form of internet baksheesh. An electronic backhander.

And then it hit me. Blogger must be in love with me. It’s giving my blog a boost. Bumping up my comments totals.

I began to be a little more considerate of Blogger. I stopped swearing when the Dashboard froze on me or the spam filter stopped working. I entered my comments on other people’s blogs and pressed “Publish Your Comment” with a new reverence. Perhaps hoping to spread the love.

But it couldn’t last. I did something wrong. I don’t know what it was. Possibly reading blogs published on Wordpress? I can’t fathom it. But on Saturday morning, mysteriously, when I followed the comments link to my last post Blogger suddenly announced that a comment had been deleted – even though I hadn’t sanctioned it. I checked. I counted. All the comments were there that I had moderated and published.

And then it hit me.

Blogger had deleted its own magic comment. The invisible comment of love had been removed. Withdrawn. Withheld. Possibly given to a new blogger; Blogger’s new paramour. I don’t know who you are but I hope your blog fouls up and you lose all of your posts and have to type then all in again. Curse you! My comments now tally with the total that Blogger is reporting.

From Saturday’s post onwards everything is back to being as it should. Perfectly perfunctory. Correct. Cold. Austere. Functional.

My heart feels a little bit broken this morning. Somewhere, somehow, a love that I never even knew I was experiencing has died.

I may have to go and slip Wordpress a nice long, lengthy post or two just to make myself feel better. Just to prove to myself that I don’t need Blogger’s love, that I can get over this.

See, I don’t need you, Blogger! Do you hear me! It meant nothing! Nothing! It was I who played with you!

Oh what’s the use?

*sob* *sob*



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40 comments:

The Dotterel said...

It's not you, Steve, it's me; I've moved on; I still love you... I always will. But nothing stays the same and all good things must come to an end.

I'll always love you; it's just different now.
Yours,
Blogger.

Steve said...

The Dotterel: you don't fool me, Tim Casanova. It was you, wasn't it? You've stolen my Blogger away from me. How did you do it? Offers of illicit book publishing contracts? You cad! You heartbreaker!

Modern Military Mother said...

Unrequited love....or your first stalker. So romantic and sad *sigh*....

Steve said...

MMM: and yet we never actually touched. Safe sex perfected.

lunarossa said...

We love you, Steeeve!! Even though you've lost Blogger's affection! Do you want to try with WordPress maybe? Ciao. A.

Steve said...

Lunarossa: I was tempted but then I saw WordPress's choice of templates. They just turn me off completely. It would never work.

Rol said...

You may have noticed my absence from your comments box over the last week. Well, that's all down to blogger deleting my comments too. Nothing to do with me being too busy in the real world to keep up with the online one. Bad blogger. Bad blogger.

Steve said...

Rol: if you don't love me anymore why not have the courage and the decency to just say it? I can take it.

Readily A Parent said...

Ah-hah - the mystery deepens. Remember me telling you I had difficulty commenting on your blog as I would press publish and it would not validate for some reason? Well, since the affair ended, my comments have submitted just fine. Was your jealous lover blocking them? Did I drive your blogger love away?

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: I genuinely had no idea so many bloggers were fighting over me. It is truly gratifying.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You actually count up your comments to check whether the numbers tally? Do you fold your underpants as well?

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: and iron a nice crease in the back of them too.

Phil said...

Don’t listen to ‘Dotterel’ Steve! – She’s bbbbbluddy Fibbing!

BBBBecause…..

It’s MerMerMmerr…‘MEE’ Steve!


…“I’M BLOGARTACUS !!!”

Steve said...

Phil: not Blogartacus Autisticus by any chance? Do you piddle when you widdle?

Nana Go-Go said...

Oh, man-up.....there`s loads more fish in the sea!It was probably one of them American bints that are currently so unpopular around here!

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: you're right. They must have heard about the boycott...

Löst Jimmy said...

Her name is Spam Comment and she's been around everybody...including me on a regular basis

Being Me said...

That fickle Blogger. And can I just say, the tension between you and Rol just cracks me up, EVERY time.

I am cold and lonely. Obviously. I need a hug. Blogger?

Owen said...

Steve, I fear you are in serious trouble my friend. I hope you can get through this difficult period.
:-)

Now if Blogger would just stop inserting dozens of empty lines into my posts around photos when I publish them, and which I then have to go back and painstakingly delete every time, now that would be a blessing. But I'm not holding my breath. One must pay one's pound of flesh, right ?

bigwords is... said...

Blogger giveth and the Blogger quickly and cruelly taketh away. Arse!

libby said...

I'm singing Doris Day now.....'once I had a secret love'...can you hear me Steve?

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: ah - spam content. The internet bike.

Being Me: Blogger is too fickle and too high maintenance to hug anybody. Trust me. I have learnt from bitter experience. As for me and Rol... I think the guy protests too much, know what I mean?

Owen: I think those spaces are merely Blogger taking an admiring step backwards. :-)

Bigwords is: revenge is mine sayeth the Blogger.

Libby: not above the sounds of my sobbing, no...!

Keith said...

Spare a thought for Blogger here. Always slipping you that little extra, never expecting much in return, just the odd cookie. And no sooner do you understand these gentle whispers, than you go blagging to the bloglocker showers. You got what you deserved Mate.

"Looks like I've lost the Love I've never found"

" Sister Rossetta goes before us" Sam Phillips - as sung by Alison Krauss

Steve said...

Keith: that's a bit harsh, mate. Everybody compares notes in the showers; it's just human nature. And I was always very complimentary. I didn't realize Blogger had such a thing about it's privacy... especially when it shares its cookies with everyone.

Nota Bene said...

These affairs never last. Move on. It wasn't worth it. Of course, you could try Disqus...tricky to handle, can be a little off putting, but ultimately you'll get the comments you want...

Keith said...

Sorry, that was supposed to be funny, but it reads a bit mean. Sorry.

Steve said...

Nota Bene: me and Disqus don't get on. We have compatability issues. I find it annoying. It finds me too picky. We'd end up killing each other.

Keith: no, you were right. There is no place for chauvenism in the showers in this day and age. It is me who is sorry.

Michelloui | The American Resident said...

Blogger is pretty good at messing with our heads. And so I moved to Wordpress. I miss things about Blogger, but Wordpress doesn't play mind games. You still have plenty of real blogger love!!

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I have absolutely no idea why Blogger is giving and taking away your comments but I now have that Haircut 100 song in my head, so cheers for that! ;-)

Steve said...

Michelloui: alas I am still not convinced by WordPress. Something about it just doesn't float my boat!

Very Bored in Catalunya: hope it's a happy time for you (a fantastic day, even).

Selina Kingston said...

You do make me smile Steve....and I needed that today. Thank you too for your understanding words over at mine.
Love, plus more love, and minus nothing...
Selina x

Steve said...

Selina: thank you.

EmmaK said...

While I am jealous that who had this hot little filly Blogette panting over you I say you are well rid! She upped and left when she found a tastier blog didn't she? What a bitch!

Steve said...

Emma: she's playing hard to get is what she is. Suddenly my extra comment is back on my newer posts. Guess my moan worked. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

That's never happened to me before. Then again my moderation button doesn't seem to work anyway as it hardly ever offers me anything to moderate without automatically publishing things.

Steve said...

Laura: well weirdly enough since I wrote this post my mysterious extra comment has now suddenly reappeared again. Guess Blogger loves me after all... I'm plainly irresistable!

Livi said...

ROFL! Oh bless you Steve! Wordpress has never done that to me! It's just more proof that Blogger likes to taunt it's users!

Steve said...

Livi: you're telling me; my extra comment is suddenly back again. Proof, if any were needed, that Blogger is just a big cock-tease.

Mark said...

Love Plus One - wasn't that a song by Haircut One Hundred? Showing my age now, sorry....

Steve said...

Mark: it was indeed along with Fantastic Day and Nobody's Fool. Showing my age too.