Friday, April 01, 2011

Goodbye And Thanks For All The Fish

I don’t know where to begin really.

I just want to say that I did start off with honourable intentions. And at the end of the day the whole process was a real life saver for me. It was necessary. I do hope you all believe that and won’t judge me too harshly.

But at the end of the day all this is a sham.

There’s little point prevaricating. I may as well cut straight to the chase.

This persona – this me that has been blogging for the last 6 years – is all fake. My life details, my family, my career are all works of fiction.

I am not married. I do not have children. I do not work for the local Government. My name isn’t even really Steve.

Technically I work for central Government though for very little recompense and without any choice in the matter at all.

My name is Adrian Jessop and I am currently serving a 20 year prison sentence for embezzlement with aggravation (I got caught by my boss and lamped him with a fax machine – he’s OK now but still suffers from extreme technophobia; not a good thing to be suffering from when you are the MD of PC World).

I was married – great girl called Suzie who was a trained trapeze artist – but she dropped me as soon as the old Bill came knocking after the fax incident at work. We didn’t have kids. She said it would lower her pelvic floor which would upset her entire centre of gravity and thus mess with the momentum of her forward swing. Apparently timing is everything.

Which may explain why she’d already got another man lined up before my name was even on the duty officer’s charge sheet. Got another man and was gone. While I was looking at a 20 stretch. My life reads like a country and western song. And I’m not talking “Jolene.”

Prison is hard. The food is crap. The work is boring. And the sex is at best inconvenient and at worst cause for split personality disorder.

But it does leave me a lot of time to write. Hence this blog.

Originally it was just therapy. A way to get my head around prison life. Away to defeat the regime rather than let the regime defeat me. Mental flights of freedom to compensate for the very real physical constraints that have seen me incarcerated here at Long Lartin for the last two decades.

I only meant the blog to run for a few months. Kind of an experiment. Just to see if I could do it.

But it took over. It assumed a life of its own. I found myself daydreaming during the laundry of what I could write about next. My dream, my fantasy of an ordinary, good life. I think that was the key to its success, you see. It’s ordinariness. It’s normality.

A blog about a multi-millionaire playboy... well, nobody would believe that. They’d see through it straight away. But an ordinary humdrum sort of bloke working for the council?

They’re two-a-penny. Every town has one. Probably more than one. It was like a ready-made niche. One I could slot into perfectly.

But the time has come to end it. It has served its purpose. I’m getting out in a couple of weeks. I don’t need this anymore, this literary crutch. I’m sorry if you feel let down. Feel that the time you have invested here has been wasted; has been extracted from you under false pretences. That was never my intention.

I’d like to thank you all. Truly. From the heart. You’ve kept me going. You’ve kept me alive. You’ve given me something good to focus on in the prison showers.

But it’s time to say goodbye.

Time to reveal the real me.

When I get out in a couple of weeks, maybe we could meet up?

I need some digs. Only temporary until I get back on my feet again.

Maybe just think about it, eh?

Yeah, yeah. I know. I’ll wait until I hear from you.

Story of my life.



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49 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

Never try to hoax people on 1st April, it's too obvious. I don't believe there's a convict alive who could imitate your namby-pamby style.

MOTHER OF MANY said...

Yeah, Yeah ............:)

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: we can't all be Harry Starks, you know.

Ally: so not even a tiny little bit...? ;-)

misssy m said...

Yeah nice one! Gonna have to try harder than that Stevo (prays to god it isn't really true as you've got my address)

Heather said...

You *insert lots of rude words of your choosing here*. You had me going there for a minute.

You can go off people you know.

vegemitevix said...

Too bloody clever to be a convict. Brilliant gag though, best thing I've read all day!

Veronica said...

You're like a window. Really.

Steve said...

Misssy M: I'm very neat and will only go the toilet when you give me permission.

Heather: I think you're the only person I've fooled so far. That says a lot about our relationship. ;-)

Vix: some of the best convicts are right clever buggers I'll have you know. The cleverest criminals of all run for Parliament.

Veronica: smooth?

Readily A Parent said...

If you hadn't gone all Steve-ish and made your ex a trapeze artist (by the way, my friend, the trapeze artist just had a baby and says nothing has changed except she doesn't want to wear those tight uniforms for a bit longer)
we might've believed you for just a bit longer.
You can come stay here, but I warn you I'm actually an elderly single lady who rapes and then eats men.

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: from your description I'm surmising that you have all your own teeth?

I'll be there on Monday. Please be nice and oil me up first.

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

A-ha! I knew it!

I always felt that something about your story just didn't add up, I mean... I've been to Leamington Spa, it ain't all that...and you sounded far too nice to be true.


.... what do you mean April Fools?

...coat...;-)

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

You had me going all the way until I read the label 'April Fool' at the bottom of your post. I was even nodding to myself about trapeze swinging and pelvic floor counter-balancing. Surely no-one could really be a musuem worker in Leamington Spa with a penchant for lego - so far-fetched I always thought.

So maybe this is a double bluff, Adrian?

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: too nice to be true. Yep. That's me. Mass murderer I am, in my spare time. You ought to see the size of my patio.

Trish: as I am sure somebody famous has already said - I am my own special creation. Or was that Gloria Gaynor?

Nota Bene said...

It's a double bluff. Or a triple bluff. Or a buff bluff. erm

Phil said...

Ok, if it will make your alter ego happy - ‘Adrian Jekyll-Hyde Jessop’ – I never gave the simple Steve act much credence anyway. One look at that jester suit façade of yours and I thought yeah yeah yeah, pull the other one, its bells don’t ring right at all.

So ‘The Stig’ of ‘Top Blogear’ has finally decided to unmask himself and raise his visor. Adrian Jessop? Doing porridge for embezzlement? I don’t think so. Adrian Mole more like. Yawn.

Scuse me a mo Moley…

“HEY!! READILY A PARENT!!! YEAH YOU UP THERE!!! THAT’S RIGHT OLD GIRL, I’M TALKIN TO YOU!! WHERE YOU LIVE GIRL?!! WE GOTTA MEET…AFTER YOU EAT!!”

Okay Ade Babe…now you’ve gone dun spilt the beans…I’ll see you in the shower block after laundry duty then. Don’t forget the soap this time though eh…

Steve said...

Nota Bene: I'll raise you 50 and another 50 to show me.

Phil: you want Palmolive or the usual carbolic?

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Well you sure fooled me!

Steve said...

Laura: not sure whether I take that as a compliment... Is it so easy to see me as old lag?

the fly in the web said...

Put away the fishing tackle...and any other you might have about your person......next you'll be wanting us to believe that your work colleagues are all hard working dedicated public servants without an inch of office politics about them....

Steve said...

The fly in the web: whoa, whoa, whoa...! I write works of fiction, not fairy tales...

Janete Cabral said...

lol Great post Steve. Happy April's Fool...lol xx

Roxy Carmichael said...

Oh Adrian, I feel such a fool. Tell me is life as hard as they make out it is in prison. Do you have to shower with your back against the wall in case someone slips you a length or is that just the stuff of legends?

Steve said...

Janete: glad you enjoyed it.

Roxy: put it this way I make it a rule never to pick anything up from the floor in B wing. Not unless I want to do a spot of impromptu pole dancing... if you get my meaning.

Nana Go-Go said...

blah blah blah!

Old Cheeser said...

Ha ha ha!! I admit when I saw the title(Douglas Adams reference,mmmmm?) I fell for it. For about 5 seconds.

Naughty, naughty Stevenage!!

Btw I'm sorry I don't comment on your blog much these days....

Mind you, there's not going to be any need for that now, since you're shutting down eh???!!

Will you be replaced with a testcard?

La Cheeser x

Mark said...

I always knew it - and local government as well.

Life sentence is it?

Steve said...

OC: great to hear from you! A testcard sounds a great idea... something in the vein of Life On Mars maybe...

Mark: feels like it.

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: you sound remarkably like my internal voice...

Alienne said...

LOL; I thought your office sounded too entertaining to be true. My colleagues are nice, but a bit dull.

And I thought your avatar was a test card.

English Rider said...

Poisson d'Avril to you too.

Owen said...

Did you ever see the lovely Australian film titled "Bad Boy Bubby" ? I think that's you... remember the prison scene ???

Oh, and just for you info, there are booby traps around my house to keep the ex cons away...
:-)

And gosh, I never pictured you all covered in tatoos !

femminismo said...

I forgot it was April Fools! For a moment I thought you were serious!! Good gravy, I thought. He sure got me. Glad we're still going to be reading your blog.

Steve said...

Alienne: sadly, I couldn't make up my office colleagues no matter how many drugs I took.

English Rider: ditto!

Owen: can't say the film rings any bells and I don't recall them filming a documentary. Having learned to live with the shower block I am well used to man-traps and as for my tatts... I'm sure you'll appreciate the "Owen 4eva" tattoo I have strategically placed about my person.

Femminismo: and let's hope that prison is never really on the cards too...

Val said...

Yep, yep, and I'm a lettuce beast!

Steve said...

Val: still enjoying your salad days, eh?

Fran said...

You wish.

lunarossa said...

I don't live far from one the highest security prison in the country. If you ask to be moved here, i will come and visit and bring you lasagne and panna cotta. I know that the jail food is awful. Ciao. A. PS. My nrighbour is a prison warden so he can keep an eye on you too....

Steve said...

Fran: I do.

Lunarossa: that's good to know; I could do with a good screw...

Löst Jimmy said...

Yeah you had me going until I read the bit 'I work in Central Government'...Steve my dear chap, people work in Local Government but no one works in Central Government, they may be employed there...but work??

Andrew Glazebrook said...

:)

Owen said...

Heading for the hills !

:-)

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: from personal experience I can say that I doubt very much that people work in local government too...

Andrew: ;-)

Owen: run as fast as you like; I'll still find you.

Being Me said...

Well I just found out how narcissistic I am. I should thank you. Because it is all about me. Apparently....

The first thoughts through my head (and the only... hey, lay off! I've been camping, in a tent, with very close quarters and zero technology around to frazzle my brain with) were "He wouldn't. Not my Stevo! He wouldn't go and end his blogging 'career' knowing that I'm away."

Oh my god. I need blogging therapy. But again, this was a very welcome laugh.

Steve said...

Being Me: like I'm going to go anywhere when I have so much shit in my head to bore you with! Don't worry... I have heaps of posts lined up with your name all over them! ;-)

Wanderlust said...

Nahhh... I know convict and you 'aint it.

libby said...

Up until 'trapeze artist' I was beginning to wonder......

Steve said...

Wanderlust: it's already been pointed out to me that I'm too namby-pamby to be a convict.

Libby: I guess that idea was pushing things too far...

The Sagittarian said...

It's the 'two-a-penny' council workers that have kept our city going in the past few weeks (let alone every other day of the year...)...I'll wait for you, Steve-O I don't care how long the lag...

Steve said...

Amanda: thanks, darlin'... 'ere, you couldn't get me in a cake, could you? Somefing with a rich iron content, if you get my meaning...?