Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Jessica Alba, Leona Lewis And Me

Jessica AlbaIt seems that some people just can’t take no for an answer.

It seems that some people who have everything – fame, riches, pneumatic boobs and easy access to a plastic surgeon – just can’t accept that a little person like me can say no to them and mean it.

But I’m really not interested. I’ve been blanking their emails for months and months but still they keep coming.

But now they’re getting devious. Now they’re offering me weird deals on meds and pharmaceuticals. Things to improve my performance in bed.

I ask you – is there anything less attractive than someone trying to get you into bed by selling you 5000 blister packs of Viagra? I mean, come on? If I need that many why you trying to get me into bed in the first place?

But it seems people like Jessica Alba and Leona Lewis think that normal rules don’t apply to them. They think that volume will blind me to context and I’ll go along with it.

Not so. I’m not interested.

I’ve tried emailing them back. Tried saying I don’t want to hear from them ever again. But all that happens is that I get even more emails – all from different email addresses but all plainly from Jessica and Leona and other famous starlets ‘cos it clearly says so in the subject line. How many email addresses to these girls have? Do they spend all their time creating them? How do they find time to do all their singing and acting and shit like that when they’re emailing me every day trying to sell me condoms and sex toys and drugs with names I’ve never even heard off? If it was Charlie Sheen I could understand it – but Paris Hilton? Britney Spears?

It’s like they’re all spamming me.

Spamming me for sex.

And that just ain’t right. Its skanky and nasty and not in a good way either.

I confess I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve tried writing firm but polite letters to the agents of these famous people but all I get back is abuse and loads of legal bullshit from Greenberg Glusker. The gist of it is, Jessica Alba and Leona Lewis are all denying having anything to do with it.

They’re denying all knowledge.

Well, that’s plainly just a lame cop out.

They just don’t want the world to know that I’m rejecting their advances.

Well, screw you, Jessica [or rather, not]. I’m telling the world right here right now.

I do not want to have sex with you! Stop hassling me with your weird sex-drug emails! Get a life, girlfriend!

You ain’t all that. Talk to the hand.

P.S. But we could still do a deal on the Viagra if you were prepared to ship it in smaller amounts. Purely for experimental use, you understand? Ciao.



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46 comments:

Suzanne said...

You get them all you do, don't you?

Steve said...

Suzanne: alas, not all. If it had been Keeley Hawes I'd've said yes.

The Dotterel said...

Does Dr Alice never offer you anything. I mean, she's qualified!

Steve said...

The Dotterel: I have the opposite problem with Dr Alice. Her lawyers block all my emails and say I'm spamming her.

I wish. ;-)

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Steve, even I'd have sex with Jessica Alba, with or without the 5000 blister pack of viagra!

Rol said...

You can't believe that Paris Hilton would be tied up in the world of condoms, drugs and sex toys?

Tell me, Steve, which rock have you been living under?

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: have to admit she doesn't do a lot for me... but I'd happily watch if you two want to get it on. ;-)

Gorilla Bananas said...

You're quite right not to waste a penny on this stuff. Just keep on eating piccalilli and rubbing yourself with Worcester sauce. That'll keep the flagpole up in the windiest of conditions.

Steve said...

Rol: plainly not the same rocks that Paris has been burning and snorting up her nose... I'm a good boy, me.

Gorilla Bananas: with the added advantage that I'd make a nice ploughman's lunch for a bored farmer's housewife in Dorset...

Being Me said...

Thank you. I nearly woke my child laughing at your reply to Gorilla Bananas.

Aside from that, I'd like to ask what the hell you're doing to get all these emails and spammers?? I've never received one (not that I"m complaining, I"m not likely to take up any of them on their offers no matter what's going begging).

Steve said...

Being Me: I have no idea what I'm doing. Nothing out of the ordinary certainly but plainly some people out there in the cyberworld think I'm "putting it about a bit" or that I'm "a bit of a goer".

Personally, I blame the Viagra.

Heather said...

is it just me that thinks 'blister pack' sounds a bit rude?

Yeah, I thought so..I'll get my coat...

Steve said...

Heather: no, me too. I'd like to think that a blister pack is an injury you get on the palm of your hand when you've rubbed too hard.

Erm. I'll get my coat as well, shall I?

EmmaK said...

No seriously, Jessica just has the hots for you. Despite being heavily preggers or maybe because of it she has emailed me constantly about 'The Mysterious Bloggertropolis' begging me to make an introduction. Like many american women brought up on crew cuts and sculpted bull necks she craves your lily white body coupled with facial hair and a concave stomach. I've told her you are MARRIED. But will she listen? Will she heck. Just make sure you have bullet proof windows installed on your house this could get sticky!

lunarossa said...

Now then, being insensible to Jessica Alba's graces make me worry about you, Steve...Or maybe is it just that your wife is terribly lucky? Ciao. A.

Steve said...

Emma: "lily white body coupled with facial hair and a concave stomach"...?! So you're the mysterious stalker! If any of those photos end up on the internet I'll sue!

Lunarossa: my wife is incredibly lucky. Plus knows I have a thing for Keeley Hawes and Jessica Alba doesn't even come close.

Wanderlust said...

I couldn't help doing the math. If you took one Viagra a day (would you really?), 5,000 would last almost 14 years. Wouldn't they expire before then? Or wouldn't you, if you used them daily?

Steve said...

Wanderlust: 14 years? That's a helluva long time. I wonder if my wife might not flush them down the toilet before then?

Mark said...

How come these people never write to me or my blog - do they think there's no sex allowed in or behind the bike shed? What sort of teenage upbringing did they have I wonder?

I'm off to sulk.

Steve said...

Mark: I'm happy to pass them all onto you. Although I did have one purporting to be from Natalie Portman this afternoon. I'm afraid that one's a keeper.

Marginalia said...

I had to close down my spam folder - got raided by the vice squad.

Steve said...

Marginalia: yeah, and I bet everything they took got myseriously "lost" from their evidence room...

Old Cheeser said...

Leona Lewis?! I thought she'd be way too sophisticated for emails like that....?

Steve said...

OC: in my personal experience I can tell you that she's a proper dirty little ho...

Owen said...

It's been said before, but will say it again, I think your best bet is to head for Somalia. You could get there via Libya and Egypt, stopping to take in the wonders of Lampedusa while crossing the Med. Take the Viagra with you, distribute it along the way, they will canonize you - is that a religious term, or when they put you in front of a canon and light a fuse ??? Well, whatever, should you choose to accept the challenge, we wish you luck. Oh, and remember, I hear that all the pirates' wives look just like Jessica and Leona, and imagine the shape they are in, with all their men out at sea for months at a stretch...
:-)

Steve said...

Owen: trying to weigh up the pros and cons of thousands of desperate, bouyantly breasted wives and the chances of waking up one night with a machete in my back of death by stoning when Mr Cuckold returns from the war with PTSD and a bad 'tude. It might be safer to take my chances with the real Jessica Alba and her lawyers...

Nicola said...

I tried getting on the Viagra deal. Got sent hundreds of blister packs. I sold them on - thought I had made a small fortune. Turns out the pills were actually small gum balls with miniature pictures of Jessica on them. I had to give the money back even though the gum balls had all been eaten.

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

The comments and replies on this post are quite magnificent.

I have nothing further to add other than the fact that if you're short of co-codamol we seem to have drawers full of them. Mostly out-of-date though.

Steve said...

Nicola: so the picture of Jessica Alba didn't work as an aphrodisiac? Interesting. ;-)

Trish: please spam me the details and call yourself Cate Blanchett. I have a reputation to uphold here.

Anonymous said...

SPECIAL OFFER!!!

Discounted boxes of Co-codamol!!!

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Tablets will also increase penis size and improve performance and stamina.

Cate B said...

Sorry, that anonymous comment above was from me.

I have your usual order lined up, Steve!

Steve said...

Cate B: "increase penis size and improve performance and stamina", eh? But will it also get rid of my wife's headache?

Old Cheeser said...

I bet! So you really had emails from someone with the same name?!

Steve said...

OC: a whole galaxy of stars! Guess things must be quiet in Hollywood!

Wylye Girl said...

God Steve, you get all the luck! I'd settle for just one teensy little e-mail from George Clooney and then I'd leave him alone.... err, I mean, he'd leave me alone. Ooops!

Steve said...

Wylye Girl: but would you really want George Clooney selling you Viagra?

On second thoughts, maybe you would. ;-)

Nota Bene said...

as my mother always said, waste not want not..so please pass them on to me...that's Jessica and Leona Lewis, not the e-mails. I don't have time for those

Steve said...

Nota Bene: but have you the energy? If not, could I interest in you some little blue lozenges...? Going for a song (according to Leona Lewis).

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

Redirect them to my email account. I might be interested in having an affair with Jessica Alba. And she woudln't even have to bribe me with Viagra. Although I could use some Valium. You know. Just if it's handy.

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: you're the second woman who has expressed an interest in having an affair with Jessica Alba. Am I wrong to turn her down? I am now questioning my own taste in women!

Keith said...

I get Viagra and replica designer handbags. Not sure who they think I am, but at least I've always got something to dance around at a party. ( ? ! ? )

Maybe the 5000 blister packs were to use INSTEAD of a bed !

Oh and I had the one from Natalie Portman yesterday as well.

Steve said...

Keith: sorry. I need a moment to myself. I'm too upset to respond properly. I just... I just can't believe that Natalie is double-timing me with you. No offense. But what we had was special. Now it's ruined. Ruined forever.

Löst Jimmy said...

Jessica Alba, what a lovely girl. Send her unwanted email attentions to me forwith

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: you got it!

Phil said...

I just love the penetrating depths of intellectual debate on this blog. Really stimulates the mind after a long day at the abattoir.

Some people get all the luck. What I wouldn’t give for a chance to theorise quantum physics with the likes of Paris Hilton, or any of her elitist educated friends, while munching away politely from a plate of creamy viagra vol-au-vents.

Do those blister packs actually work then? I couldn’t find a glue that resisted sweat when I last tried.

Steve said...

Phil: I think just quoting the phrase "theorise quantum physics" to Paris Hilton would cause her brain to go into immediate shutdown. Still it would save having to buy any Rohipnol. Actually. This is Paris Hilton, right? Why would you even need to buy any Rohipnol?