Monday, April 25, 2011

Kahunas

Buster GonadThere are times when life is out to mince your balls.

If life is nice then it will tie you down to a table, arms outstretched, legs wide apart and will monologue at great length before activating the laser beam that will surely part your balls like peas ripped from a pod. It will talk to you and tell you why it is doing this. Why it has this grudge against you that it needs to exorcise via excessive singeing of your ball sack.

If life is malicious and feeling particularly nasty it will give you no warning whatsoever. You'll be going about your business as usual - perhaps a walk to the shops, perhaps filing a deadly dull report at work - when suddenly some kind of metallic gelding device will leap up at you from the shadows and attempt to remove your meat and two veg in a manner reminiscent of that wince inducing scene from Ice Pirates (kudos if any of you (a) ever saw that film and (b) actually remember it).

There are only two ways to react when life is set on claiming your kahunas as some kind of weird sports trophy.

You can either (a) buy kevlar underpants, walk around with your hands placed constantly over your crotch and look like you have a bad case of the crabs.

Or you can (b) just grow a much bigger pair of balls.

B it is then.




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31 comments:

vegemitevix said...

Everything ok Steve? Didn't think you were lacking in the kahunas department. Balls of steel, I thought. x

Steve said...

Vix: sometimes they get a bit rusty and need a damned good polishing...!

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

You'll need bigger pants to accommodate them, with plenty of lycra.

Steve said...

Trish: I was thinking more of a crotchless effect...

Gorilla Bananas said...

Make sure your next pair are made of titanium.

Alienne said...

I wouldn't bother with the wheelbarrow - too hard to run away.

Nana Go-Go said...

....I here shaving in the nether regions makes them look bigger....or buy a smaller pair of underpants to achieve the same look e.g. Barry Gibb.
I thought that last comment said `crochet effect` - in which case I could accommodate! Ok, so female Kahunas are spelt `cahoonas`, right?

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

On a happier note, have you noticed you've been nominated for best blogger and best writer in the MAD Blog Awards? You keep hold of those kahunas, cos you're the man now!

Rol said...

Ah. Yes. One of those days.

Balls to it!

the fly in the web said...

Yes, B it is...anyway, the kevlar would be too expensive.

bigwords is... said...

You might need a cart to place your balls in. I gather they will be very heavy to carry around by yourself.

libby said...

You're up to the task I'm sure...don't let the buggers (or life) get you down....

Wanderlust said...

Wanna borrow mine? I'm getting really good at this game. :)

Keith said...

There is nothing I can say to this other than "OUCH"

My eyes are watering for you.

Marginalia said...

Whilst reading your latest post I couldn't get the picture of William and Kate out of my head.

I think I'm going nuts.

Roxy Carmichael said...

Keep dripping the Miracle Grow on your balls and you'll end up with some prize pumpkins

EmmaK said...

I was thinking what the equivalent might be for the ladies - when life throws cystitis at you cover your bits in yogurt perhaps?

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: what do you mean, "my next pair". If I ever come back I'm coming back as a right cunt.

Alienne: I can never control them as well. Not good when carrying precious cargo.

Nana Go-Go: Shaving? Maybe I should just run them over with the Flymo and kill two birds with one stone?

Trish: wow. Shall I start penning my acceptance speech now? ;-)

Rol: when it's all bollocks anyway I find it best to go with the flow.

The fly in the web: damn. I was hoping I could pick some up on eBay.

Bigwords is: a horse and cart would be a great thing to need...!

Libby: that's the aim!

Wanderlust: you have detachable balls? That must be the ultimate in mods cons.

Keith: and they say men are crap at empathizing. Anything to do with the balls and we feel each other's pain.

Marginalia: I'm sure Kate's vice like grip is very pleasurable and the Royal balls will be both keen and penetrating in their endeavours.

Roxy: as long as I don't have Monty Don hoofing them out with his wellies...

EmmaK: as long as it's not Muller Crunch Corner...

Owen said...

Oh shite, did the ball buster squad come after you too ? Best go hide in a big melon patch, there are so many large spherical objects there that the ball busters get confused...

Steve said...

Owen: I'm not sure I want my melon diced and spliced by a bunch of hungry melon munchers...!

Being Me said...

For some reason every time I hear mention of the need to grow a bigger set of balls (note to self: be more aware of the circles I move in), all I can picture is that woman from Police Academy who has a tad too much testosterone/strength and she has that line where she says "....and a set of brass balls THIS BIG."

This, of course, is of no use to you whatsoever and I am terribly glad that all your other more worthy and witty commenters have pitched in their much more helpful insights about all things barrow and balls. And detachable (what?!).

On another note, well well ... good luck with the MADs, Mr Claypole! Two very well deserved nom's, I see :-)

Marginalia said...

Steve, no doubt the nomination for the Best Blogger and Best Writer categories in the 2011 MADS awards was submitted before you posted this!

Steve said...

Being Me: ah Police Academy. I remember both the film and the very sturdy woman well. As for my commentors knowledge of balls... well, their wisdom clearly knows no bounds. Just like a good pair of balls.

Marginalia: I think this post and my nominations are perfect. Balls and parenthood obviously go together like... well, Wills and Kate.

The Crow said...

I never saw Ice Pirates, but I remember the wince moment in that Vikings movie where the guy has to ride the steel mare.

I mean, I don't even gots any, but I was reaching to protect something when that scene appeared!

Hope today is better for you. And mega-grats on the nomination, Steve!

Steve said...

The Crow: as yes - another great wince inducing scene of our time!

Thank you!

autumnraven said...

Yay! I get Kudos. And good luck with your balls and all (hope things get better soon)

Steve said...

Autumnraven: thank you - my balls feel much better today! ;-)

Phil said...

Try a cricket box, or better still have a little op and make them detachable. I like to do a bit of cat walk modelling on weekends so it worked a treat for me. No more chaffing and rashing after a good night ‘doing the walk’ in my designer chiffon gowns. Adds a whole new pleasure dimension to horse riding too. Especially in a split up the thigh chiffon gown.

Steve said...

Phil: detachable balls? Nice. Is it a universal socket or do you need to get bespoke attachments? Can you pimp your parts?

Phil said...

Oh, here we go again...questions, questions, questions. Yeah...okay try Argos and Amazon. They both do a good range of pan global plug ins and attachments, including a variety of carrying pouches, necklates, shine and polish kits and re-chargers. I’ve also seen an advert in the Sunday Sport for an inflator pump which apparently can be driven off the battery pack from your laptop if you’ve a preference for wearing Speedos when you’re on holiday. Just Google it, you’ll be amazed what you find on the web nowadays.

Steve said...

Phil: my wife wants me to have a hoover attachment. Not sure I want to go along with that myself... I mean, where the hell will they stick the bag?