Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Chokey

Interesting to note David Cameron’s recent U-turn on UK prison sentencing.

For those of you that are out of the loop, the initial premise was very loosely based around the idea that an early guilty plea would have seen the subsequent prison sentence of the defendant reduced by 50%.

Which is rather a bizarre idea.

I mean, if I go on a teeth gnashing machete rampage around Lidl next Wednesday and get caught on their CCTV system decapitating the Store Detective with a frozen monkfish I would expect a hefty prison sentence. A good 30 years or so. But by coughing to it straight away - look, it’s a fair cop, I’m covered in blood, I stink of fish and you’ve got me bang to rights on camera - I could get that sentence drastically reduced. A good 15 years taken off. Possibly more for good behaviour.

Where’s the deterrent in that? I might as well take out a couple of the checkout girls as well. Kind of a serial killing BOGOF.

It’s not hard to imagine that Cameron was getting it hard and fast from all quarters (just like being in the prison showers) – hence the sudden U-turn.

But I bet the police were the first to complain to the Government too.

I mean, cutting sentences by half? That would undo all the hard work the police do fitting people up.

Just imagine.

You’ve planted evidence. You’ve employed the old ‘orange in the mouth and Tesco bag over the head’ instant confession technique and your chosen blagger has coughed to a list of crimes that would make Jake Arnott yank one off over his computer keyboard and then you realize that the 30 years you were hoping to drop onto your poor patsy have been instantly commuted to a measly 15.

Where the hell is the justice in that?

You’d be better off having the guy deny all knowledge and stubbornly plead not guilty in the light of all the evidence you have carefully fabricated against him.

At least that way if he does go down for a crime he didn’t commit he’s going to go down for the full 30.

I hope Cameron realizes how close this country just came to complete anarchy.

Innocent people getting their prison sentences halved by lying in court and pleading guilty to crimes that they haven't committed?!

That’s perjury, that is.

And is punishable by a custodial prison sentence.

But not, of course, if you plead guilty early...



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30 comments:

MOTHER OF MANY said...

We seem to have had almost exactly the same thoughts on this matter.
When I first heard about it I thought WHAT A LOAD OF 'B*LL*CKS' and that Cameron was being a 'TW*T'.
Not very charitable thoughts I know but I felt they were truthful .

Steve said...

Ally: just as long as you're not going to change your mind next week and do a U-turn as "a sign of strength".

;-)

Gorilla Bananas said...

No, it's quite lawful to plead guilty to a crime you didn't commit, that was established in Rex v Baboon 1759. As long as you don't mislead the court by saying "Is that all?" when the judge pronounces his sentence, you're in the clear.

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

I think if I were considering decapitation, my frozen fish of choice would probably be a plaice or lemon sole - that thin edge would probably make for a cleaner cut?

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: are gorillas particularly predisposed to transgressing human laws? Surely the only crime that would warrant a custodial sentence would be impersonating a vicar?

Trish: you don't fancy being bludgeoned by a big, meaty tuna then?

Kelloggsville said...

Could you not just take out a couple of Lidl checkout girls anyhows, please, pretty please? Libya and Syria are getting all the media attention these days, it would make a pleasant change to have a little home grown decapitation.

vegemitevix said...

I'm with Trish, if you are going to be blugeoned to dish by fish it better be a good quality one.

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: shall I wait until you're ahead of me in the queue? Otherwise your frozen food will be defrosted before you get home.

Vix: I could always machine-gun you with caviar?

Nota Bene said...

The most astute analysis of the situation I have read since 1.45...

Steve said...

Nota Bene: what happened at 1.45? Has Stephen Hawking written another blog?

Rol said...

Don't say I didn't warn you when there's a knock at your door and a big, burly policeman has come round to take down your particulars, Steve. You bring these things on yourself, Steve, you really do.

Steve said...

Rol: don't worry me none; I'll cough straight away and be out in three.

EmmaK said...

Ha ha you should watch the movie Johnny English where a mad french meglamaniac tries to take over the UK and turn it into simply a giant prison for the whole of the world. Not a bad idea! Maybe Cameron could try it to make a bit of cash and ship all the UK citizens to nice places like Bahamas etc. I will write to him about this 'cunning plan'!!

Steve said...

Emma: the UK as the world's prison? That idea has a lot going for it. Brighton could be a giant shower complex. And people could be sent to Coventry for solitary confinement.

Phil said...

Just keeps on underlining how broke and desperate UK Ltd really is. When people like even you are openly contemplating using a monkfish as their primary weapon instead of a bag of frozen sardines, which are in far greater supply, then maybe it’s time I upped zimmer frames and waddled off to Greece disguised as a long haul tourist. At least there I’d be treated as a rare & protected species for the rest of my life, and I’d get to eat your weapon of choice rather than be beaten to death by it one cold and frosty summers day morning.

Steve said...

Phil: just get out of my way in the queue for the fishmonger and you'll be fine. Can't promise I won't break your legs with a French bagette though. Sometimes I just have to relieve the tension. Know what I mean?

Nana Go-Go said...

A knob by any other name.....

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: I sincerely hope you are addressing your prime minister when you're saying that...

Marginalia said...

I used to think "Hang 'Em High" was a porn movie. Now I realise it's a Cameron remake of "A Kid for Two Farthings"

Owen said...

I'm a bit lost with all the "lets show kindness to violent barbaric murderous raping criminals" tendency out there, give them light sentences and cushy jails and they'll surely come around, right ?

Wrong, imho. It used to be we strung them up on a gibbet or yardarm, or put their head up on a pike by the city gates, a fair warning to others. Ok, if you want to use a monkfish instead of a two-handed broadsword to take the head off, fine, but at least you know that they won't get out of jail early and then go rape and stab another innocent person to death... just my two cents worth... I'll get back to sharpening the broadsword now...
:-)
(naughty of me, I know, very politically incorrect, in this age of human rights before all else, even for savage brutes of murderers... but what rights do the murdered in their graves have ?)

Steve said...

Marginalia: you have strange taste in porn movies.

Owen: I lean towards agreement. Yes, even prisoners have rights but at the end of the day prison is not meant to be cushy; it's meant to be a deterrent. And society has put that deterrent in place to protect the innocent.

Nana Go-Go said...

Of course I was referring to the Right Honourable Gentleman in Charge, ya dafty!(After I`d posted, I thought to myself, hope Steve doesn`t think I`m talking about him!)...teach me to try and be as clever as the rest of your literati crowd!(and that`s meant in the nicest possible way).I`ll get back to my crochet and leave well alone next time!

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: that's who I thought you meant but it always pays to check...!

Being Me said...

You. Are. FUNNY.

That is all.

The Sagittarian said...

Oooh, that could be a fun twist to Cluedo...decapped by a monkfish in the market or bashed with a candlestick in the library?
I don't think it will make me rush out and confess tho'...I'm too tough. Really.

Steve said...

Being Me: my probation officer says the exact same thing.

Amanda: or a great new Poirot adventure. Zut alors! Ee was killed wiz le frog's legs garrot...!

bigwords is... said...

Sometimes when I read your blog posts I get a little scared of what is in your mind!! I do believe you could write a terrifying horror novel.

Steve said...

Bigwords is: or just a bad one. Hold on a minute... I may have already done that (just ask Heather)!

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

Sorry, Steve. I'm just a stupid American. I have no idea what you are talking about. On the other hand, I do agree with Bianca. You could write a kickass horror novel. I think murder by fish is very exciting.

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: think of all the red herrings! The cops would never catch me!