Friday, June 17, 2011

Vajazzle

I did something last week.

Something unexpected and amazing. Possibly even a little daring but in all honesty I can't recall what it was.

I just know I did something.

Something so hot and entertaining that half the world came round for a look.

My blog stats went (for me) through the roof. No more a mere 150 visits a day. We were talking 500+. And it went on all week. 7 days of mass(ish) interest. I felt like a porn site (but the wife was looking over my shoulder).

My God, I thought, I've bloody made it. I'm piloting my madcap moon rocket to the blogging moon. My blog has got vajazzled and everybody wants to come and get a slice of the action.

Man, I was shaking my blogging booty!

They'll all be coming to me now, I thought. Megabucks advertizing deals. Publishers. Film producers. The pizza boy from Domino's (I'd ordered a pepperoni special).

But then it all died away.

Just like that.

Zip. Nadda.

I have no idea why. It was like I was popular for about 7 days and then the halo of coolness floated away and found someone else's head to crown.

My vajazzle plainly wasn't good enough, wasn't long lasting enough. The slice of my pie wasn't tasty enough for a second sitting.

I'm back to a mere 100+ visits per day again.

Back to obscurity.

Back to my unadorned, unenhanced self.

Back to the way nature intended.

*Sigh*

Oh piss-flaps!



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43 comments:

libby said...

Ah... we still love ya!

Steve said...

Libby: thank you. I don't think genital enhancement would suit me anyway.

English Rider said...

I still think you're always worth the visit. I'm glad we don't have to take a number and wait in line to read you. Selfish, I know.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I know exactly what happened. Your extra visitors were all clicking on the same link which led to this blog. Maybe they were googling something, or maybe a post of yours got linked in a popular site. You'd know the answer if you knew how to milk your sitemeter properly.

Steve said...

English Rider: get back in line, missy!

Gorilla Bananas: I'll have you know I've got milkmaids elbow.

Phil said...

Funny, I’ve been experiencing the self same thing for the last three weeks or so. Stats visitor figures suddenly went right through the roof and just about into double figures too! for the first time in eight years, with all the new referral site traffic being listed as just four of the blogs that I have been following for some time now, and no-one else at all (not your blog by the way!). Clearly some form of spam crawler torrent or similar, I looked it up on the web. A lot of people have experienced the same issue recently. It’s quite harmless, and all the Blog hosting companies have been trying to contrive a fix for it. I signed into ‘Google Analytics’ yesterday as a suggested way of negating the problem, and today, just like you’ve now experienced…it’s stopped happening altogether.

So I’m happily back to the good old stats days again of around two and a half visitors per day, staying for somewhere between four and seven seconds at most. As you can tell Steve…I’m pretty jolly quick off the mark when I check into my blog two to three times a day aren’t I bloke?!

Steve said...

Phil: gosh darn tarnation. See, I was hoping I was on the brink of being discovered. Poised on the trembling lip of the Big Time. Now you're telling me it's all just a Blogger foul-up. Tell you what, I'll check out your blog once a day if you check out mine. Let's reach double figures together!

About Last Weekend said...

Wow, that is fascinating - did you ever find out what happened? Mind you - I think your writing deserves 500,000 hits a day. One time we looked back on my blog and I got loads of hits from Emma Pillsbury style (Glee). We could see some people had been searching for "Nude Emma Pillsbury". Oh dear....

Steve said...

About Last Weekend: it's sad but true, I only have to make a passing mention to genitalia and my stats leap up in response.

That's not a euphemism, by the way.

Löst Jimmy said...

It's all that rope bra talk

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: if it's well hung people'll love it.

Marginalia said...

I feel for you man! Just when you think "Lift off", the second stage fails and you're free fallin' to earth.

Take it easy. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all love ya' (Well those of us still plugged in). Your time will come. Believe me.

John says Hi!

Steve said...

Marginalia: yup. My boosters failed and I didn't get into orbit.

Who's John? The Baptist? Is it that time already?

Vicky said...

We your loyal subjects will continue to visit and enjoy your blog :)

Oh and the first time I heard that word "vajazzle" was watching that stupid Essex show and thought WTF LOL

Steve said...

Vicky: this is the first time I have ever used the word vajazzle. I imagine it is also the only time. ;-)

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I should imagine using the word vajazzle in your title will ensure thousands of hits for years to come. You canny SEO person you....

Seems lots of people have had strange stats with blogger, as well as problems with commenting, clearly there are issues at blogger HQ.

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: vajazzles sell (from what I've heard)! Blogger is very welcome to have those kinds of issues as often as it likes. I reckon I could get a lucrative advertizing deal off the back of them!

Keith said...

All true artists are unappreciated by all but a few in their own lifetime. I for one am proud to be a staunch Doctor Gachet to your vejazzled Van Gogh.

Not that I am advocating a life of crushing self doubt and voluntary incarceration though. Just stay true to your own vision.

Steve...? Steve... ? Put those vejazzling tweezers down... Steve...!

Steve said...

Keith: I can't hear you... I seem to be deaf in one ear but can't remember how it happened.

Being Me said...

The internet giveth and it taketh away. Piss bum bollocks to the internet bots.

I'll still be reading your blog when it's either huuuuugely popular or unpopular. Either way, your blood's worth bottlin' (as my old Northern granddad used to say).

Steve said...

Being Me: I'll have a bottle out to you by the end of the week. The label reads: Old Goat's Gut Rot. Don't drink it all at once.

;-)

joebloggs said...

Didnt know what vajazzle was so looked it up, that's why I have just got round to leaving a comment. I even had a go myself, its a bit fiddly but the "chaps" down the Y.M.C.A seemed to like it.
As for the stats.....Idunno!

Steve said...

Joe: don't try it with secateurs. That's all I'm saying.

Martin Lower said...

If my daily visitors number double figures, I think I'm doing well!!

Steve said...

Martin: I'm beginning to question Blogger's accuracy in all honesty!

EmmaK said...

All good things come to those who wait. When this blog becomes a movie Leamington Spa will be on the map at last and your house will be worth a couple of mill to be snapped up by one of your crazed fans. Watch this space!

Kelloggsville said...

blogger bug. Blogger stats went through the roof but stat counter remained as expected, which in my case is the equivalent of 4 pennies, a piece of string and a button. Mine went back to normal obscurity today!

Steve said...

Emma: one of my crazed fans? To be honest I think all of my fans - if I have any - are slightly crazed. It goes with the territory.

Kelloggsville: you get a piece of string and a button? Some weeks all I get is a bit of chewing gum stuck under the desk.

Mark said...

Ah well, who wants those flyby night reads anyway... Send them over to me please.

The Sagittarian said...

Ah well, fame is fleeting they reckon. So, whats your next trick going to be?

Steve said...

Mark: alas, they don't seem to hang around long enough to listen to my recommendations...!

Amanda: in all honesty, I was hoping for a boob job.

the fly in the web said...

Well none of them was me...what with the unholy combination of Google and Blogger managing to shut me out of my blogs and then mother demanding instant visit to her internet unfriendly environment I've been in exile....and will be for the foreseeable future.
I have to rely on visiting friends to get my fix of your blog...

Steve said...

The fly in the web: I wondered what had happened to you! Glad to hear you're OK, visit to your mother excepted. ;-)

Nota Bene said...

You got 500 in a day??? I'm still waiting for my second visitor in two years....

Steve said...

Nota Bene: next time I drop by I'll try and bring a friend.

Owen said...

It was the Nigerian spam senders out trolling en masse, instead of writing your favorite e-mails asking for money they've taken to leaving spam comments on blogs... you must have popped up on their radar...

So did you get your hands washed since your last visit ? :-)

Steve said...

Owen: no point - my hands are always dirty.

Readily A Parent said...

"milk your sitemeter properly" That's a euphemism, right?
It's gotta be. Cause it's just too perfect.
I'd say if you did a vlog about milking your sitemeter and how to do it properly, you'd get tonnes of hits. Mostly from 11 year old boys, but still...

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: I'm not sure I want to be an 11 year old boy's first experience of internet pornography. I can, after all, only be a major disappointment.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Didn't your statcounter give you a clue as to what they were all looking at? My two top postings are 'Dick, George and Mildred' about my love of 70s comedy and 'Is Caffe Nero More Evil than Starbucks' and have been for years, though 'I Knew Cat Woman' re the moggie-in-a-bin former colleague got a few hundred hits at the time.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

bajazzle, surely?

Steve said...

Laura: pajazzle?!?

Steve said...

Laura: and as for the stat counter things - they all want "Alice Roberts boobs".

And in that they are not alone.