Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Road Reluctantly Travelled

Is it normal to take the long way round on your journey to work?

To delay the inevitable?

I can remember, years ago, back when my pass badge was shiny and the photo printed on it featured a young man bristling with enthusiasm and a full bead, that I would march to work with a spring in my step and a skip in my stride. So much so that one day a motorcycle traffic cop, a builder and a Native American Indian in full head-dress accosted me in the street and asked me to join their colourful band of deep throated singers.

I declined but now I’m wondering if that was a wise career move.

Because the spring has been replaced with a shoulder droop and the skip has been replaced with a foot drag reminiscent of someone who’s been hitched up to a chain gang. For those of you who are familiar with the work of Charlie & Lola... I have developed a “Lola walk”. The kind she employs when life is particularly bad. When she’s lost her satchel or ripped her Lelli Kellys.

And I am starting to take the ‘long way round’ to work.

It started with a few detours around the block. Alternative routes that covered more or less the same ground but from a different direction.

But then I started to become more adventurous. I started pushing the temporal envelope, pushing the flexibility of my start time. I started going all round the houses. Started trying to listen to entire album’s worth of music on my MP3 player (bear in mind that the journey at its quickest takes a mere 15 minutes). Started searching for old ladies to help across the road and refusing to go into work until I’d found one. In the end I had to improvise. I had to dress up as an old lady myself and help myself across the road. Have you any idea how long it takes to cross a road when your colostomy bag isn’t properly fastened?

Now, I fear, I am taking things too far. I am booking trains to Manchester and wondering if I can get in a bit of shopping before I head into the office. I am eyeing up flights to New York because I figure that paying my respects at Ground Zero would be an honourable way to start my working day.

Is this normal?

Is this behaviour indicative of some, as yet, unnamed malaise?

Answers on a job application form to the normal address, please.



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39 comments:

Vicky said...

You never know your wanderings might lead to a new job :)
Oh and I have been at my job so long the picture on my card has vanished LOL

Rol said...

You know what you need, don't you?

Redundancy. It's all the rage at the moment and surprisingly liberating.

Steve said...

Vicky: in a weird Dorian Gray type episode, I feel like I vanished the day the picture on my card was printed.

Rol: how do I go about getting one of them 'redundancy' things then? I've been meaning to ask you for a while now. Do I have to do or say anything specific?

Being Me said...

Oh, the Lola walk. Well versed with that in this house, need I remind you of this: http://www.kirrilywhatman.com/2010/12/party-hard-walking-home-harder.html

I hear taking care not to step on cracks in the pavement can exponentially lengthen one's journey to work. Or school. Or the shops. Or wherever one should be going in more of a hurry.

Steve said...

Being Me: given the state of the pavements around here the inverse is actually true. If I were to make it my mission to step on every single crack I would, in all honestly, not reach my place of employment until I reached retirement age first.

Kelloggsville said...

Have you seen Joe versus the volcano. The start of that film is exactly what you describe. Somedays I don't want to be at work but can't face home either. There is a comfortable numbness on the journey in-between. I drive the long way both there and back and occasionally park up and just sit a while. Was watching the traffic off a motorway bridge once and someone stopped 'to help' me. Lol I must have looked very fed up and like a jumper (of the splat not m&s)!

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: I suspect I am more of a tank top than a jumper... and I'm sure I could make more of that metaphor if I wanted to! Haven't seen the film but it sounds I am living the opening credits anyway. Do hope it had a happy ending...

Gorilla Bananas said...

It sounds as if you need early retirement. If you keep dressing like an old lady they might fall for it.

Rol said...

I wish I could tell you - I've been waiting YEARS for mine!

Nota Bene said...

Suggest purchase of unicycle and thong to pep up the journey...

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up... the smell is driving me mad.

Rol: harrumph. That's no help at all. Mind you... are they looking to replace you...? Just wondering...?

Nota Bene said...

How odd...I remember posting a comment suggesting the purchase of a unicycle and a thong to spice up your morning...

Steve said...

Nota Bene: there it is. Up there. It obviously took the long way to get here. Love your input - but would Keeley Hawes agree to wear the thong?

Heather said...

I'm with nota bene, a unicycle and a thong - no day will ever be dull again!

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

You must have buns of steel with all this extra walking you're doing. Maybe you could be an arse model.... or something.

Steve said...

Heather: yes, but a unicycle and a thong is your answer to everything.

Very Bored in Catalunya: why not? I'm already a model arse.

Phil said...

Crumbs Stephen…Native American Indians, Chain Gangs, Ground Zero Crusades, Lelli Kellis, Lola Walks, Colostomy bags, Dressing up like old bags, Deep throat busking…?? And all this before you get to work?!

Try drinking a different brand of Ovaltine bloke, and for goodness sake…go and get yourself pregnant, then just gorge yourself daft on all the entitlements. That’s what they’re there for..

Wylye Girl said...

Steve, I suggest you take off all your clothes at the side of the road, fold them up then walk off into the sunset. It'll be a bit chilly and people might stare and laugh but you'll get over that, especially with your buns of steel. You could then start a new life in Shepton Mallet or somewhere and send for Mrs Bloggertropolis and the wee Bloggertropolette(s). I don't know what you'd do but it would be a start.....

Steve said...

Phil: get meself pregnant you say? Great idea... except one needs two to tango. Are you volunteering to supply the elixir of life yourself?

Wylye Girl: I may indeed have buns of steel but, alas, my filling is seedless jam.

libby said...

Don't have any funny things to say Steve....hating your job is no laughing matter really...go part time and do another part time job instead?

Steve said...

Libby: I'm still pinning my hopes on winning the Lottery and not working at all. Do you think I might be pinning my hopes a little high?

Phil said...

“Am I volunteering to supply the elixir of life?” Noooo, you silly billy you, of course not. I’m already pregnant Stephen. Have been, on and off, for years me. When ever the mood takes me, when ever I just want some love an attention or simply a few months off to do as I please, I just open up my personal ‘empathy belly’ carrying case and…’strap it all on. ’ Bingo!

Works like a dream. No sickness. Drink as much booze as you like. Eat what you want. Loads of nice new instant yummy mummy preggy weggy friends round for coffee and texts, and…when you fancy a pint down the pub with the lads, you just peel it all off and hang it up at the end of the bar with all the others. It’s the perfect lifestyle solution.

This is where I get mine from: http://empathybelly.org/home.html

And these are the guys I hang out with: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpjJH_3mlBU

Gotta go, contractions are starting and mines running low on juice.

Steve said...

Phil: fabulous. Of course I've spotteda gap in the market here. What we need is empathy breasts. Breasts that lactate and leave little embarrassing wet spots on your T-shirt. I'd like to see my boss lay into me when I'm squirting colostrum into his tea mug.

Phil said...

Squirting colostrum? Eeeeeeuwe! I was really really enjoying slurping in my banana milkshake just then too.

Steve said...

Phil: don't forget to wipe that milk moustache off before you go out.

Wanderlust said...

I was going to say something clever, but it flew out of my mind at the mention of a unicycle and a thong. Just as well.

Phil said...

Thtoppit! You thilly thilly man. You’re making me giggle too much, and that can’t be good for ‘baby’.

About Last Weekend said...

That's a bit like when I used to do snail steps to school,just putting one foot in front of the other. But i did not veer from the well trodden path, too many bullies afoot (my town was really rough back then...)

Steve said...

Wanderlust: if I wear a thong and ride a unicycle there'll be a lot of things flying about I can tell you.

Phil: do you need winding?

About Last Weekend: forget snail steos; the bullies at my school were so rough I used to run a 4 minute mile...

Owen said...

Maybe you should just start staying home and see if anyone misses you ?

Steve said...

Owen: they wouldn't until there was a shit job to do. Then there'd be an almighty chorus of, "Where's Steve?"

Nana Go-Go said...

I`ll be taking the long way round next week - they`re starting roadworks on Monday!Yay!!Can you sing?Have you thought about `Britain`s got Shit Talent` or maybe coming up with a really good sales pitch and get on `The Apprentice`?Or just write lots of begging letters to any benevolent lottery winners see what transpires. Failing all that, all the luck in the world to you laddie for finding a great new job or a diamond of a publisher.

Steve said...

Nana Go Go: I'm looking for a diamond in the rough... or even a rough with a diamond. As for Britain's Got Shit Talent and The Apprentice - aren't they one and the same thing?

Mark said...

Friend of mine quit his job when he realised he was actually trying to crash the car on the way to work so he'd have an excuse not to go to the office.

Sound like you need a sickie

Steve said...

Mark: not sure I'd go that far... though I have been considering throwing myself in front of an old lady's shopping trolley.

Suburbia said...

Perfectly normal!!

(oh for a job that one loves to do...if only!)

Steve said...

Suburbia: is there such a thing?

Löst Jimmy said...

In my last job, I would indulge in such long walks. It was particularly bad on Monday mornings. I could honestly say that I even felt as though my legs were filled with lead (or dread) as I made my way to work. Of course, what we need is Time Travel to escape completely...

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: I'd settle for a Raleigh Grifter.