Monday, September 05, 2011

How Much Do You Love Me?

See, I would have said most of you would gladly take a passing bullet for me. The rest of you, I’m sure, would hiss appropriately at the gun man and then mourn my passing forevermore. Undying, slightly unrequited love.

But no.

It seems I’ve been fooling myself. The stats are out and (unless you are a politician) you can’t lie with the stats.

945,249th.

I’ll say that again: 945,249th.

According to domaintrakker.com that is where my blog ranks in the list of most visited web sites on the internet. I’m at the fag end of the ‘top’ 1,000,000. Not even the top 100,000. Thanks a bunch. (And thanks for the correction, Nota Bene.)

And to make it worse (worse as in more demeaning) the site estimates that I earn about $3.47 daily. In pounds that works out as about £2.15. I’m hardly going to get onto the next series of The Apprentice with that now, am I?

Most telling of all though is the top incoming anchor link to my blog (yeah, like I even know what that shit means). Sex With Nigella.

Yeah. That’s right. You might not love me but you love the thought of sex with Nigella. You love it so much you keep coming back to my blog just to get yourself off on it. I’m just a marital aid. Not even that. Nigella is the marital aid; I’m just the... what? The pimp? The guy who cleans the sheets afterwards? It just doesn’t bear thinking about.

Well, fine. Have it your way. I know my place. Just don’t expect me to come round to your place anytime soon and leave a nice cheerful comment, OK?

945,249th.

Harrumph.



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35 comments:

Trish @ Mum's Gone To ... said...

You're lucky. According to that site, I don't exist.

Nota Bene said...

Naturally, I'm a loyal, devoted fan and would take a bullet for you anytime. But I'm a little disappointed there isn't a picture of Nigella to go with this post. Is my maths wrong, and are you not at the fag end of the top million, not top 100,000. Hate to rub it in. Now where's my naked Nigella picture

Steve said...

Nota Bene: you just couldn't let me live with the delusion, could you?

Trish: thank you for making me feel better. At least one of you cares.

missbehaving said...

Obviously, it's because I haven't been coming round Steve and I'm sorry, I've been busy, I've been distracted, I've had my head my arse for months. I'll make a point of being a regular again and I don't even want Nigella

Rol said...

Still, considering how many bloody websites there are in the world (and that the top 500,000 are probably all porn sites), I'd take that as quite an achievement.

vegemitevix said...

But you earn at least 50p more than me! WAH! I would take a bullet for you also, just not in the face, or the hands for that matter.

Martin Lower said...

Inside the top million? Sounds pretty good to me!
To get any higher, you'd have to be a porn site.
What was that about naked Nigella?

Steve said...

MissBehaving: thank you. And you're right - I've been through my stats and I'm fairly positive that this entire debacle has been caused by you.

Rol: great. Beaten by chickswithdicks.com. Again.

Vix: not that in the face or hands? Do you have a preferred point of entry then? Er... maybe best not to answer that.

Martin: I'd earn more if I was a porn site wouldn't I? Hmm. May have to consider a career change. Bet you'd all love me then, wouldn't you?

libby said...

I am a loyal fan but have never been tempted by any nude pics of nigella or anyone else......now cake..thats a different story...love me some cake....and stats? why look at those.......they are bound to be depressing surely....oh no thats just me.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Stop your whining. 90% of internet traffic is generated by masturbators in search of wank-fodder. Do you really want a larger share of that market?

the fly in the web said...

I thought from your mention of taking up pole dancing in a an earlier post that a porn site would have been forthcoming in the near future...

Kelloggsville said...

6 figures Steve, not 7, 6. Chin up. And I disagree with Rol. He and I both know there are more than 500,000 porn sites.

Steve said...

Libby: I can do more cake if that's what it takes.

Gorilla Bananas: if they're stupid enough to pay for it - yes.

The fly in the web: I just need a decent photographer. Or at least one with a strong stomach.

Kelloggsville: have you got them recorded in a spreadsheet? If so, please email it across to me... purely for market research purposes.

Suburbia said...

I reckon that's quite high when you consider how many sites there are!

And if you will keep mentioning Nigella.... ;-0

Vicky said...

In the words of Yazz and the Plastic Population "The Only Way is Up" :)

The Sagittarian said...

I didn't even know you could track that stuff! Just think, out of all the websites in the world we all chose you Steve-O....because you're worth it. xx

Being Me said...

Preposterous! Your website is the place I learn most about stats. And baps. Let the other 945,248 site owners have their cake... and they can jolly well eat it too. We'll just live on their crumbs, right?

Oh... you know what, I am such a miserable sod that I had to plug my blog address in there and, ah, I beat you by a mere 68,567 and earn a whopping 27c a day more... But the numbers are just a trifle. My point is, that's neither right nor possible, I'm sure, so this tracker thing is all a load of pish-posh. I call shenanigans!

Steve said...

Suburbia: I'm actually wondering whether it's worth me doing a series of "Sex With..." posts. They'd all have to be fictional, of course.

Vicky: now I'll have that song going round in my head all day.

Amanda: it's down to my pro-10 calcium formula and my ceramide R, isn't it?

Being Me: you know what, I don't mind being beaten by you. That's cool. it's not like I'll be obessively checking on my stats from now on trying to catch you up or anything, no sirree, I'm fine with it, truly I am. *whistles loudly to himself*

Marginalia said...

What does it say about those of us who visit you? And you must feel like a plague victim. Shunned by society,with only the curious, insane or social workers peering through your letter box.

Steve said...

Marginalia: but while we're both lying in the gutter you at least can say you are looking at the stars. ;-)

Heather said...

ha, I do love it when you get all sulky

Steve said...

Heather: well, that's pretty much all the time then. ;-)

John Gray said...

now filled with envy I tried to locate my stats and only got an IP address in manchester
bloody hell

lunarossa said...

Don't listen to statistics, Steve, they are mainly wrong or manipulated...We love you just the way you are! PS Something saucy about Geroge Clooney woulnd't be bad though. Ciao. A.x

About Last Weekend said...

I don't want to even go to that site, I'd be in the hallway. Wonder if posts on Nigella in every room would help, or the word naked in every title?

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Well, I personally think you're doing great, because you're under the million mark. ;)

I'm not exactly sure how accurate those stats are too. I put my blog in and I was ranked 905,639. But what is the difference? How do they figure that out?!

I wouldn't take it too seriously. Lol.

Steve said...

John: now you're just twisting my melon, man!

Lunarossa: I really don't want to think about George Clooney's sauce...

About Last Weekend: I think the word naked always helps no matter what the context.

Jennifer Fabulous: you think my "Goodby cruel world" letter might be taking things too far?

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

Words to do with 'kissing' I discovered this week, alert the sex sites! And here's me trying to present a tasteful, family friendly blog...

About your 'Sex With' idea. How about using your devoted followers as subjects - purely fictional of course. That way you could satisfy all genders, races and classes.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

You are hilarious!

I almost feel guilty for not following you before. :O

My search words are usually along the lines of "boner pajamas," "lick balls," and "boob girls."

I have a feeling we'll get along well.

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: ha ha! Interesting idea... Sex With Rol, Sex With Gorilla Bananas, Sex With Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden... hmm. Interesting concepts are forming.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: I am holding you personally responsible for poor showing on the stats. However, "boner pajamas" made me laugh so consider yourself redeemed. ;-)

TimeWarden said...

Popularity doesn't necessarily go hand-in-hand with quality though, Steve. Take Robbie Williams for example, 'cos I sure as hell don't want to!

Wylye Girl said...

Well Steve, I don't exist either and in any case I wouldn't take any notice of a site that can't even spell. Trakker? I'm always just glad to come above Hugh Fearlessly Eatsitall's River Cottage in Google but then I only ever do a search in a manner which will ensure this outcome

Steve said...

TimeWarden: I'd like to take Robbie Williams out with a colt 45 - does that count?

Wylye Girl: sounds to me like you've got this statistics thing all worked out. I believe it's called spin. ;-)

Bish Bosh Bash said...

Stop keep banging on about having sex with Nigella. Your ruining my therapy. Every time I see mention of her name, my mind goes into meltdown and I have to go change my underpants.

True story - About seven years, three months, two weeks, four days, six hours, forty three minutes and seventeen seconds ago, I was given a real and genuine opportunity of meeting 'her' in person by a journo friend, who was working with her in London.

Please don't ask me what happened next, because it makes me wail and howl uncontrollably for hours and hours and hours.

Steve said...

Bish Bosh Bash: you're telling me you didn't make her wail and howl uncontrollably for hours and hours and hours?

You let the side down, man! You and me is going to have serious words...