Wednesday, September 07, 2011

How To Cynically Drive Traffic To Your Blog (And Don’t Forget To Mention The F Word)

George W Bush getting jiggy with itSo after stats revealed on Monday that my most popular post ever was Sex With Nigella a few of you (yes, you; not me) suggested I write a series of Sex With... blog posts. One of you (not naming names here) even suggested that I might like to write a series of blog post about Sex With... you lot.

Like I don’t push the comedy envelope out far enough as it is.

However, as cool and as ground breaking (cherry breaking for some of you) as this idea was I decided it would cost me loyal readers. I mean, once I’ve marked you all out of ten it’s only going to cause jealousy and chagrin.

(Yes, Rol, you scored a ten).

So now I’m thinking I ought to just play it safe. Stick to celebs and world leaders. ‘Cos let’s face it they’re all fair game and it would be quite believable that most of them at some time or other may have actually had sex with me.

In terms of politicians I have to say (and I never thought I’d ever say this) I now regret that George W Bush is no longer in power because it forever denies me the opportunity to write a post entitled Sex With Bush. Though thinking about it, it does create an opening to write a piece entitled Sex Without Bush. This would surely drive protagonists of the great depilatory debate my way and boost my stats no end.

As it is (and this is where the great blog traffic boost begins) I could at least produce blog posts with titles along the lines of Sex With Obama, Sex With Hilary Clinton, I Did Not Have Sex With Bill Clinton, Sex With Donald Rumsfeld (And His Weapon Of Mass Eruption) and not to leave out the British and European contingent: Double Teamed By David Cameron & Nick Clegg and Sex With Eric Pickles (Slap The Fat And Ride The Waves). I think I’d give Sex With Berlusconi a miss – he’d only take it as a compliment. And possibly encouragement.

Celeb wise I could easily direct my thoughts to Sex With Dr Alice Roberts (oh boy, my stats are going to go through the roof), Sex With Keeley Hawes and Sex With Alex Kingston. Just to confuse my audience I might throw in the odd curve ball too – Sex With Gene Hunt or even Sex With Jeremy Paxman.

Weirdly, Hollywood-wise nothing grabs me. The thought of Sex With Cameron Diaz or Sex With Nicole Kidman does not appeal though I might be persuaded by Sex With Natalie Portman. I daresay many of you ladies would like to see Sex With George Clooney or Sex With Daniel Craig feature rather heavily on this blog but I have to say I can only stretch my imagination so far (though girth-wise it is pretty damned impressive).

Cool. Job done. If I’m not in the blogging top twenty by the end of the week I am going to come round and screw every single one of you personally and very professionally.

Media whore?

Yup, that’s me.



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41 comments:

John Gray said...

dont leave out your gay readers!
sex with Russell Crowe perhaps?

( to strains of "I am...what I am...........

Rol said...

Just a ten? Bah - I'm insulted.

Expat mum said...

Yeah but what about the morons it brings? Do you really want them commenting on your blog and adding precisely nothing to the conversation. Or are you really just in it for the numbers? You are, aren't you?

Gorilla Bananas said...

Saying you've had sex with famous people is pretty tame, though. If you really want to boost your hits, you've got to say stuff like "I had a threesome with Elton John and Princess Diana" or "Martina Navratilova raped me". The second one is slightly more credible in my view.

Martin Lower said...

Great depilatory debate, is there such a thing?
Is it something to do with Rooney's hair transplant?

vegemitevix said...

I miss Bush being in office too because I can no longer justify getting a tshirt done with 'The only Bush I trust is my own' on it. And btw what was MY score? Huh!?

Steve said...

John: Sex with Russell Crowe? I wonder what accent he'd use when talking dirty?

Rol: out of ten, Rol, out of ten. Gosh, you're needy. Should have realized that, I guess, when you wept afterwards.

Expat Mum: you make it sound like a bad thing.

Gorilla Bananas: Martina Navratilova aced my balls? I had a threesome with Richard & Judy? John Craven craved my love child? Hmm. You know, this might work...

Martin: he's had a hair transplant? I thought it was a lobotomy scar.

Vix: 11. But don't tell, Rol.

Trish @ Mum's Gone To ... said...

I'd better comment on this quick so all those thousands of hits will see my name at the bottom and come visit me too.

Marginalia said...

I think I see where you're missing a trick, so to speak.

By all means have your post titled " (insert inappropriate practice) Sex with Lord Longford" for example. I think this would attract more readers/sickos who might believe you were into necrophilia or else had an affair with the sainted man during his visits to strip joints for his research on the subject of pornography in the heady '70's.

Pretty exciting don't you think.

You should also not miss an opportunity to include the most outrageous tags. I suggest "porn", "big knockers", "big", "pert bums", and not forgetting "milf" which I'm told will have young teenagers clicking thro' before breakfast. But there's a treasure trove out there so don't feel constrained.

Good luck, and I suggest you switch you website to one with and"xxx" prefix.

Steve said...

Trish: think carefully about this... do you really want to be forever linked with "the bottom"?

Marginalia: 'pert bums'? Grief. When you hit the gutter you go all the way down, don't you? I've never been so offended by such disgusting language in all my life.

the fly in the web said...

'naked French women' does wonders on mine...good job the fantasisers don't see the real thing.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Pleeeease start doing a series. It would be awesome. Have fake blog sex with anyone! I don't care who! You're hilarious enough to do anyone!

Steve said...

The fly in the web: I'm sure naked French women would do wonders on me too.

Jennifer Fabulous: actually being serious for a moment (which is about all I can manage) that's not a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all. It's got legs as they say in the business. Not sure what business. Possibly Entomology.

Bish Bosh Bash said...

I once knew a bloke who used to love having sex with the Bush’s. Nettle rash got him off it in the end.

Steve said...

Bish Bosh Bash: some things should only be done in privet.

Boom boom!

Nana Go-Go said...

Oh great .... a guaranteed screw....now there`s a novel idea!

Bish Bosh Bash said...

God, you're such a prune Stephen.

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: shall I book you in for next Tuesday?

Bish Bosh Bash: and here's me thinking I was branching out...

Bish Bosh Bash said...

Yew old Dogwood Yew!

Owen said...

You forgot Lady Gaga... Sex with Lady Gaga should get you about a million hits... maybe two million...

Owen said...

PS and it just occurred to me, have you ever come (don't misinterpret that verb) across the blog in your travels named "My Mother Fucked Mick Jagger" ? It exists, on blogspot... ok, he's getting a bit old now, but still, just saying...

Kelloggsville said...

My biggest puller is Visible Panty Lane. Which is a shame because I think I have written some things of merit. And so have you. Shame it cums to this to draw in some virgin readers that you hoe might (well) hung around to receive more. Good luck. Keep me filled in.

Steve said...

Bish Bosh Bash: just having a root as the Aussie's say...

Owen: think I might pass on the Lady Gaga... besides, I could make some awful 6th form jokes about meat curtains and such like (apologies). As for "My Mother Fucked..." - that's a series of posts that I shall keep well clear of.

Kelloggsville: do I detect a thoroughly scurrilous subtext to your comment?

English Rider said...

Add NY Mayor Guilliani and 911, why don't you?

TimeWarden said...

You could still write a post called Sex With Bush but make it about Kate rather than George! Did I ever mention what really happened that time I met Kiki Dee?! #Don't Go Breakin' My...#

Steve said...

English Rider: hey - I'm trying to be tasteful about this!

TimeWarden: doh! I missed a trick there, didn't I? Kate's Bush! So did Miss Dee break something else other than your heart...?

libby said...

You've got me thinking about who I'd want to have sex with now (if the mister was'nt around...secret sex is better)and I might have to make a little wish list......and if you don't make the top twenty can you let me know when you're popping in?

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

I'm rolling around the floor helpless with laughter, just enjoying the way your mind works Steve - never mind anything else. And hey, all this talk of bushes and privet and dogwood proves my observation that gardening and sex speak the same language.

Steve said...

Libby: I can do any day except Tuesday afternoons as I'm having my bunions treated. It's dead glamorous this life, ain't it?

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: it all depends on the size of your trowel.

Keith said...

"Sex With Keeley Hawes and Sex With Alex Kingston."

Is that at the same time, or as two halves of a double bill ?

Steve said...

Keith: who cares? It would be a win-win situation either way.

Muttlebury said...

Hello. It's my first time this site. I'm looking for sex stories about Eric Pickles. Please can you help?

Thanks in advance

Muttlebury

Steve said...

Muttlebury: try chickswithdicks.com. It works for me.

Muttlebury said...

Yeah, Chicks With Dicks is great. In fact, apart from Hot Traffic Wardens From Wolverhampton, it's probably my favourite site. But today I'm after a threesome involving Eric Pickles and one other.

Never mind. Your piece about charity bags was pretty damn hot too.

Steve said...

Muttlebury: Hot Traffic Wardens From Wolverhampton? There's a site for this? Now my life is complete. All I need now is a site for Special WPC's From Devizes and I'll exhaust myself quite happily this weekend. ;-)

The Sagittarian said...

You missed Shane Warne...he seems to have had sex with almost everyone!

Steve said...

Amanda: yeah, but apparently he's a bit of a fast bowler...

Jeneane said...

It was a great effort to write my Catkin post without mentioning you know what. That's what it's really all about...

But you've got me thinking. Now that I'm a poor widow maybe I can't afford to be altruistic and shun the opportunity to earn internet dollars - pounds, whatever - I could just set up a new blog, sign up for adsense, and write a few rude words on it every night. (A bit like you really)

Steve said...

Jeneane: and that really, genuinely is all there is to it! ;-)

Mark said...

What's left to say?

Sex with Anne Widdecome, should get you some weird new readers maybe.

Steve said...

Mark: but give me nightmares and destroy what is left of my self-esteem for the rest of my life.