Friday, September 02, 2011

Officially Middle Aged

Karen Gillan as Amy PondThat’s it. I’m at the brow of the hill. I’m looking down at the giddy descent into old age.

The sign post that I am leaning on whilst I catch my breath says “Middle Aged”.

How do I know this?

Matt Smith told me. Steven Moffat told me. The BBC told me.

In short, Doctor Who told me.

Years ago, I would have been all over Amy Pond (played by Karen Gillan) like (to quote Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob Squarepants) ugly on an ape (Gorilla Bananas: no offense intended). She would have ignited day dreams and night dreams so hot and puerile that the script writers of The Inbetweeners would have recoiled in horror and told me to grow up. Luscious lips, long red hair, long legs and a lust-worthy Scottish accent. I mean, can you imagine anything sexier than being bossed about sexually by someone who sounds like a rebel from Balamory? I dinnae care what ye wannae doo – jus’ git doon there an’ git busy, yer filthy, dirty little Sassenach...

Yes, ma’am!

But the flames have not been ignited. I look at Amy Pond and I see the lips and the hair and the legs and I think, Christ, I hope she’s warm enough; I hope her mother sent her to work with a nice thermos flask of hot soup and one of those high fibre bars with chunks of fruit in it. She’s so young. She ought to have a chaperone on set. I hope she’s being looked after properly. I hear her accent and I hear my gran from Scotland asking me if am doing well at school and would I like another Werther’s Original?

I have reached that age when I am automatically filtering out girls like Amy Pond from my fantasy directory. I am rubber stamping her in my mind with the words Not Age Appropriate.

But more than this, what tells me most of all that I have embraced middle age is the discovery that my fires are now being ignited by the older woman. Because while Amy Pond might not be wetting my whistle, River Song (played by Alex Kingston) most definitely is. My whistle is positively drowning in wetness.

Sorry. Possibly too much info.

River Song is magnificent. River Song is sexy. Wild hair. Décolletage that could conceal an AK-47 and a few hundred spare rounds. Beautiful lips and forever arching upward eye brows. And most of all an attitude that exudes knowing confidence and a sense of being more than comfortable with herself.

Like I said: magnificent.

What sums it up best for me is after regenerating in last Saturday’s episode into the River Song we all know and love she took one look at herself and oozed, “ooh, it’s all going on down there isn’t it...? I feel so... mature.”

Mature in that second, in the way River Song enunciated it, became profoundly OK. It became sexy and desirable. It became exciting and fun. It became wicked in the very, very best way.

So yeah. I’m on the brow of the hill. And I’m leaning on that sign that says “Middle Aged”. But only as a precursor to pole dancing with it.

Does anyone care to join me?

Alex Kingston as River Song



Share

53 comments:

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Alex Kingston does indeed give good eyebrow...

Glad you're filtering out the young girls, gives us old birds some vague glimmer of hope.

Heather said...

Will i join you in pole dancing around a sign? Yeah, why not. As long as you buy me a drink first.

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: got no choice now... I can't run as fast I used to...

Heather: yeah, I was told that was all it took.

Owen said...

I can picture someone in your kitchen at home getting her big wooden rolling pin and a very heavy frying pan out of the cupboards... You might want to put your helmet on before you get home tonight...

Owen said...

And open the front door very cautiously...

Steve said...

Owen: nah. She's cool with it 'cos she's, like, my favourite mature woman evah, innit?

Did you hear that, dear? I said you were my favourite mature woman, ever? Oh never mind. Go back to your knitting.

John Gray said...

welcome to the club me old mate
and as for MZ Kingston.... I preferred her as iron knickers Dr Corday in ER

Steve said...

John: I have never watched a single episode of ER in my life but I do recall Mz Kingston being rather spectacular and bouyant in Moll Flanders and Boudicca (both scripts penned by local writer Andrew Davies).

John Gray said...

she had pneumatic bosoms in Both as I recall

Steve said...

John: and nipples that could punch a hole through concrete. What a woman.

Gorilla Bananas said...

The explanation is simple: you've gone off fertile women because you can't afford more children. It's the wallet-protection instinct. Maybe you'll feel different after getting snipped.

John Gray said...

oh I am so glad I'm gay!

Tenon_Saw said...

One has to be realistic about the totty one admires when one reaches a certain age, lest one's daughter says, "She is only a few years older than me!"

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: it's like you're inside my pysche. Could you give the windows a clean while you're there?

John: man or woman, it makes no difference. Good nipples is good nipples.

Tenon_Saw: this is true. The censure of the public is nothng compared to the censure of one's offspring.

John Gray said...

I have never been near a woman's nips !
thank the lord!

About Last Weekend said...

Is that really Alex Kingston? My thoughts: I liked the white blouse on the redhead and the necklace on Alex. I too am middle aged and have become even more superficial.

Steve said...

John: if the wind turns cold you wouldn't have to be standing too close to Alex to get close to her nips. Just sayin'.

About Last Weekend: superficiality is just a more material form of wisdom. And better dressed. ;-)

London City Mum said...

I've always fancied Alex Kingston.
Does that make me gay, or bi or even just peculiar?
And this was way before I donned a wetsuit.

LCM x

Steve said...

LCM: no, it makes you red bloodied, alive and possessed of exceptional good taste akin to my own. Hello sister!

Kelloggsville said...

"my fires are now being ignited by the older woman" I literally whooped outloud with delight. Once I stop running around the living room with my shirt pulled over my head, I'll whip out my pole and start....no, sorry, I'm too tired already !

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: I'm right there with you, baby... Horlick's and a choccy biccy, yeah?

John Gray said...

alex would be proud with all this attention!
nips and all

libby said...

Praise the Lord and pass the whisky...another man sees the light!

Steve said...

John: I like people and nips that respond well to attention.

Libby: it was possibly the whisky what done it.

Nana Go-Go said...

It`s not how middle-aged you are but what you do with it that counts. For gawd`s sake, do not go out and buy a Harley to prove the size of your extremities, or indeed that you have any!...also, if you`re middle-aged, I`m a bleedin` dinosaur!Good Saturday to ya.

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: a Harley? I think I'd have trouble staying in control of a Lambretta...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

I'm with Kellogsville... and you I guess.

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: Horlicks all round then?

Being Me said...

She is deliriously beautiful. I was first introduced to Alex Kingston when she was on ER. Loved her.

Once again, your commenters and your replies have me rolling in the... well, there are no aisles here, but I'm right cacking myself. Sorry for THAT visual.

Steve said...

Being Me: eeuw! Plainly runs in the family... Could I have a frothy coffee, please, while you're there? ;-)

Martin Lower said...

Nothing to worry about Steve, it's called growing up!
I thought I was the only one whose first thought on being confronted with a half-naked teenager, was to wonder if they feel the cold!

Steve said...

Martin: growing up? You're right. No more Peter Pan for me then. It's Robin Williams all the way. Oh God. Think I might jump off a bridge.

Being Me said...

Holding my sides. Can't. Sit. Upright. For laughter. And, dare I say, stomach pains....

Steve said...

Being Me: hey, are we talking colostomy here? 'Cos that's really not my bag.

Marginalia said...

Take heart old man, you're not too old yet. When you start getting the hots for Jenny Murrey then you are well and truly heading for the scrapeheap.

the fly in the web said...

The voice from the Toarcian era says

'Are you really taking up pole dancing?'

because if so I want the video...

and what's more, ever since Phil on Blogitandscarper put up those motor racing accessory pics, Mr. Fly seems to have gone through second childhood into second adolescence...

Steve said...

Marginalia: just Googled her and I have to say, in her younger days, she looked a bit of a goer.

The fly in the web: second adolescence you say? But I've barely come out of the first... maybe I ought to give this maturity thing a week or so at the very least... and then consider regressing?

Suzanne said...

Happy Birthday!(must be round about now).
Middle age, bloody HATE that phrase, I am still 30 and will remain so for the next ten years at least ;)

Steve said...

Suzanne: it was a couple of weeks ago actually but you're not far off, thank you!

Suzanne said...

I missed your birthday post! How bad do I feel now? (a bit)
Incidentally (re:last comment),I don't know why I feel like I can swear on your blog and yet never do on my own - what's all that about then????

Steve said...

Suzanne: I guess there is just something about me and my blog that releases your inner potty mouth...! ;-)

Owen said...

Ah, I sometimes wonder if any of the celebrities who get discussed on various blogs ever see the comment chains thus engendered... Would Alex blush even just a little tiny bit if she saw such sensitive subjects as her nipples, hard or soft or in between being discussed so frankly here ?

And in view of some gut reactions, shall we need to send one of those honey dipper trucks around to clean up the effluvium emitting deposits ?

One never knows what one will find here, but one rarely leaves without a naughty smile...
;-)

Steve said...

Owen: I hope that any passing celeb or talent would feel themselves done proud and honourably and in the best possible taste for it is all meant warmly, even when my tongue is enbedded firmly in my cheek.

Alex, if you're reading, I think you're wonderful.

Steve said...

P.S. for those of you not getting the bottom jokes you ought to check out Being Me's latest post to get the joke.

TimeWarden said...

Does Karen (your wife, not Gillan obviously - seeing as you're officially middle-aged!) mind that you've torn out the full-page pin-up of Ms Kingston, from last week's Radio Times, and adhered it, in pride of place, firmly to your bedroom wall?

Steve said...

TimeWarden: to be honest she's just pleased that I've finally covered up that nasty stain on the ceiling.

Fran said...

Entering middle age ... yes, I think I do remember that ... or ... do I? Why did I come upstairs anyway?

Steve said...

Fran: if you're anything like me you get upstairs and then find you don't have the energy to get back down again.

Mark said...

Pole dancing with middle aged women? Nah... Prefer scrabble, or Lego. Dont tell me, so do you.

Steve said...

Mark: my Lego obsession is well documented.

Selina Kingston said...

Now young man, I think you'll find that most older women with that particular surname are absolutely stunning......

(it's so good to be back, by the way - I've missed you!!)

MadPriest said...

I don't have an "age not appropriate" filter but I do have an "At your age you don't stand a snowflake's chance in hell" filter.

Steve said...

Selina: hello sweetie!

MadPriest: that tends to be my fall-back position...