Thursday, October 27, 2011

How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count The Ways...

Enemies.

They're everywhere. On the street. Down the pub. At work. On our Facebook pages. Tweeting us from the poisoned depths of their hatred addled minds. They infiltrate our social networks both real and virtual and we cannot escape.

We all have them. And you know how the saying goes, don't you?

Can't live with 'em...

...and, er, that's pretty much it really. You can't live 'em so it makes good sense to quickly dispatch 'em. And as horribly as possible.

If morality were not a problem, if justice was your bitch, if you had a greenlight to do whatever you wanted to your enemies and people would still give you a thumbs-up afterwards and say, "yeah, that was justified, they had it coming", how would you dispatch your vilest, most obnoxious enemy from off this mortal coil?

It is something I have been musing on a lot of late. Possibly there has been too much red meat in my diet. Possibly Dr Pinchworthy has done up my straitjacket a smidgeon too tight. Possibly I'm a donkey on the edge (thank you, Shrek fans, I'm here till next Thursday, please try the veal). But I have compiled my top seven list of ways to rid myself (and the world) of the malodorous, the malignant and the vacuously moronic.

1) Attach them to a 50ft bungee rope (think about this) and hoof them off the nearest motorway flyover. I guarantee a juggernaut will drag them a good 1.8 miles before the rope rips 'em back out again.

2) Hack into their computer, access various bomb-making web sites, change their email address to ObamaMustDie@hotmail.com and - hey presto - let the FBI do it for you.

3) Death By Botox - modify an iron maiden (available from any decent hardware store) so that the spikes are replaced with hypodermic needles that pump out an "above the recommended dose" of botox into every square inch of your enemy's body. Not only will they die horribly but their corpse will look like a doll made entirely from Walls' "thick pork" sausages. Especially effective if (a) your enemy is vain, (b) spent most of their life as mutton dressed as lamb and (c) they're vegetarian.

4) Death By Higgs Boson - as inspired by X-Men 2, inject iron filings directly into various body parts (the choice and number is yours) and cast your enemy into the heart of the Hadron particle accelerator just before it is activated by guest executioner, Professor Brian Cox.

5) Death By Perpetual Motion - insert a simple tube (akin to those used during colonic irrigation) into your enemy's anus whilst the other is attached to your enemy's mouth. A cheap pump should ensure that all matter produced is shunted upwards against gravity, creating a macabre Catherine Wheel of Delights that should keep you chortling for... ooh... hours. Good for those enemies who talk nothing but shite but think that every utterance that comes out of their mouth is Godly wisdom.

6) Utilizing the knowledge gleaned from your years of service with MI5 (which I know you all have), adapt and customize your enemy's make-up paraphenalia so that the lipstick, the eyeshadow and the blusher all secrete highly concentrated sulphuric acid. Merely encourage your enemy to pass a mirror and then sit back and - ta daa! - watch them rub themselves out. Why? Because you're worth it!

7) Staple their nipples to the ears of a rampaging cheetah.

Right, I don't know about you lot, but I am currently luxuriating in revenge fantasy bliss.

Do feel free to add you own delicious devices of destruction to the list - or even to nominate a few potential "clients".

'Cos one day, people, we will all have our revenge! They've got it coming! You hear me? They've got it coming!

Bwah-ha-ha-ha!

Thank you, doctor, is it time for my Tixylix now?



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38 comments:

Martin Lower said...

Wow. You've really thought about this, haven't you. Doesn't that worry you a little?
Just rise above it; if you spend time plotting someone's sticky end, then they've already won.
Remind me to stay on your good side....

Steve said...

Martin: no. They haven't won. They'll never win. Not ever. You hear me? Not ever!

Dicky said...

Wow, I hope never to upset you!

Steve said...

Dicky: swear unswerving fealty to me and you'll be absolutely fine.

Unless I get one of my headaches...

Readily A Parent said...

Ummm, yeah, so Stevie baby? You scare me just a little.
Okay, a lot.
It's quite sexy really.

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: yeah, that's what they all say.

Just before I kill them.

Bwah-ha-ha-ha!

John Gray said...

you have some deep rooted anger issues! lol
I am happy I am your "friend"
lol would hate to get on the wrong side of you,,
having said that.. I may seem a fluffy bunny type... but cross me... and the real gay bitch emerges!

Steve said...

John: dammit! That could have been number 8 - Death By Gay Bitch!

Nota Bene said...

I'm your best friend. You're great.

Steve said...

Nota Bene: unlike some people I just love sycophants.

Rol said...

You're starting to scare me now.

Steve said...

Rol: only now?

Clippy Mat said...

Block 'em.
Delete 'em
Ignore 'em.
Give 'em a deafie.
Laugh at 'em.
Ignore 'em some more.
They don't like it, I'm telling you.
Killing 'em's too good for some people.
:-)

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: no. Killing is definitely what some people need.

Suzanne said...

Love John's comment, now, as my mother would say, "SNAP OUT OF IT!" :)

Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't believe a wishy-washy chap like you has real enemies. If you want that experience, try living on a houseboat in a river infested with crocodiles. Your best tactic for revenge would be to swallow a gallon of poison before they ate you.

Steve said...

Suzanne: your mother sounds like a force to be reckoned with.

Gorilla Bananas: poison, eh? To paraphrase Winston Churchill, if you were my only companion, I'd take it.

Mr E.D.Buncombe said...

Stephen Herrick-Blake, this court sentences you to life improvising until death.

However...oh, do stop laughing, man! - there now, where was I?
Oh yes, hear this: You count yourself lucky you only receeehB4ived...BELCH! pardon me, this one sentence. Imagine, Stephen Herrick-Blake if we had given you two or more consecutive without full anaesthetic. Or a whole paragraph.
What if we had thrown the whole book at you Steve, baby - I hope you're comfortable with that app, SteeV, I just felt like slipping into a tRiP-L-Z-D-Mad-Smootherry.

Anyway, we've got your books here and they are fab, we're tryna beam the stuff back to you coz you must the ...scrchh..steevaloution of M...iiiiiorrrcvvzz and brrrrr only hope ....fizzzzzphuuuuzzzz.. sfbglkjbflkhbrandomnocode13478ood luck

Steve said...

See, doctor, I said those voices in my head were real...

the fly in the web said...

Well, I reckon M.P.s have been demonstrating 5) for years now with few ill effects...so 2) seems to be the best bet.

And as for all the 'ignore them, they'll go away'...well, Chamberlain tried that....

Fran said...

I'd hate to read you when you're feeling bitter.

Being Me said...

I think I just figured out why I get turned on by watching Dexter.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

I just think you need loving to death.

Owen said...

Why bother ? In the long run they are all dead anyway... but you Steve, are clearly eternal...

TimeWarden said...

May I add the PM? 'Cos if one person dies this winter because of cutbacks to the fuel allowance (to pay off debts created by the rich), that makes him a murderer. If more than one dies, it makes him a serial killer! Any more and he's a mass murderer.

PS. Can no longer afford butter never mind red meat! Oh, for a joint of lamb!!

Being Me said...

Oh wow, you like the series, Spaced?! I was going to ask you but just saw your Shoppertropolis link and it's listed there. We just saw first two ep's last night (it aired the year we were there on honeymoon, 1999 aww) and I. Loved. It! Funny funny stuff.

Steve said...

The Fly In The Web: hear hear. Churchill is more my kind of hero. Let's fight them on the beaches...

Fran: I'm feeling much bitter now, thank you.

Being Me: Dexter?! You've lost me. All I can think of is Dexter's Laboratory... but that can't be right, surely?

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: loving to death? A great way to go. But too good for my enemies.

Owen: you mean I just go on and on and on...?

TimeWarden: eat the rich! Lord knows there's plenty of fat in the PM's head.

Being Me: have Spaced on boxed set DVD no less and Karen and I can quote from it. They only ever made 2 series but each episode is a masterpiece. Just wait till you get to the Phantom Menace episode - brilliant!

Jon said...

OK, slightly disturbing, but I'll play. I've often specualated how easy it would be to cover someone with honey and popcorn and leave them to the ostriches, evil birds that they are.

Steve said...

Jon: you could make it even more macabre by leaving the corpse of Rod Hull still attached.

Mark said...

Lost me yet again...

Steve said...

Mark: do try to keep up...!

About Last Weekend said...

Everyone in my life is always conspiring to annoy me, not just the enemies...

Meg said...

You are a very funny man, very. I find so often the spiritual post about forgiving your enemy and walking a mile in their shoes and this is a refreshing bit of spit on your enemy and make him walk in YOUR shoes. I have no idea what I would do to my enemy, it is so delicious a proposition that I dare not think it. Evil laughter.

Steve said...

About Last Weekend: take it from me, there's a cheetah for everybody.

Meg: forgiveness is for the emotionally developed. My soul is happily wallowing in the gutter.

Heather said...

I am impressed with the depth of thought that's gone in to those evil plans. Very impressed indeed.

Steve said...

Heather: you ought to see my evil lair. It's been feng shui'd and everything.

Livi said...

ROFL! I love number 7 especially! I might have to try that ;)

Steve said...

Livi: you risk a telling off from the animal cruelty people... but it's worth it.