Monday, October 17, 2011

Is This Man Taking Over The World?

Justin Fletcher as Mr TumbleThose of you who do not have kids or are, perhaps, indisposed to watching copious amounts of kid’s telly off your own bat will probably be unaware of the clear and present danger that is currently facing our nation.

You will perhaps be lying blissfully idle in your Rugby World Cup bliss; sniggering smugly as you watch Mock The Week or some other adult satire game-show or just sniggering stupidly at the silly people in Big Brother who behave exactly like what you do only wiv-out all the grace and charm you usually exhibit when you give Tel a bit of earache in Lidl for going for the cheap brand cigarettes.

You will be unaware. You will be asleep.

And whether you are a sleeping dragon or a sleeping dog remains to be seen.

One man is trying to take over the world.

He is everywhere. He is omnipresent. Both in body and in voice.

You cannot move anywhere on the CBeebie’s channel without bumping into the golf-ball nose of Justin Fletcher. It’s like he has turned the entire channel into his own personal star vehicle (complete with Pope-like glass viewing dome and furry dice). It started innocuously enough. The Tweenies. Higgledy-House. Something Special. Fine, we thought. He’s just working hard. Paying the bills. But then his voice started appearing on its own in other shows too. Just like Obi Wan Kenobi’s in fact. “Use the spotty bag, Mr Tumble! Use the spotty bag!” Timmy Time, Chuggington, Sean The Sheep – to name but three.

But that wasn’t enough for Citizen Fletcher, oh no. Then came Gigglebiz. An entire show featuring nothing but Justin playing a host of different vaudeville-esque characters. Endless, wall-to-wall Justin. Justin as a disco dancing king. Justin as a female TV naturalist called Anna Conda. Justin as a pantomime dame complete with massive honking breasts.

I felt uneasy. I felt uncomfortable.

This was getting a bit much.

Even in his heyday Noel Edmonds never got everywhere like this.

But the kids were lapping it up. The kids were being sucked in. There was nothing we could do to stem the tide.

And now it is too late. Now we have Justin’s House. Justin’s brand new show. Set in Justinland.

I am not joking.

Am I the only person who can see that this is proof of an ego grown out of all control? An id that has gone global? His catchphrase song on Justin’s House is, “Let’s wibble, let’s wobble.” It makes me shudder because I know there is a secret message hidden in there somewhere, some dire threat like the alien countdown thing in Independence Day. But despite the best minds at Bletchley Park working on it night and day we haven’t yet been able to break the code.

I know. I know. You’re all laughing. You’re all dismissing this as the by-product of a fevered but genius mind. I’m reading too much into it. I’ve lost the plot. I need a quick fix of BBC Four. Even a Channel Five documentary. But you’ll be sorry. You’ll all be sorry when Justin starts popping up in your life too (and squeezing his man-boobs so that they make a sound like a car horn). When Justin appears in Doctor Who as the Doctor’s new assistant you’ll remember my words. When Justin appears in Eastenders as Milkshake Jake and starts flinging whipped cream over that Mitchell fellow you will all quail and remember.

When Justin and his magic spotty bag appears outside number 10 with the new Budget wrapped up in cellophane inside it you will know the end has finally come.

And you’ll all be sorry then.

So just remember: if you see the man in the photo above please approach him with severe caution – he will teach you to say “I am special” in Sign Language and you will not be able to resist.

Go with care, my friends. And don’t say I didn’t warn you!



Share

24 comments:

Readily A Parent said...

You've definitely mastered the "I am special" commentary, love.

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: do I get a badge and a lollipop?

Heather said...

Justin for PM I say! Can't do a worse job of it than the current clowns. and at least with him you get the squeaky nose and clown shoes to really let you know where you stand.

About Last Weekend said...

What about getting out there with your bells and bobbles and give the red-nosed one a good what for! I'd watch that. So would 2 million on YouTube I bet

Nana Go-Go said...

Last week he was teaching us how to sign `Rugby Post`(I`m not kidding)and the sign for `post` was the same as the Italian naughty sign for `go forth and multiply`....I tell you, I saw right through him then! Also, I think he fell into the role of that pantomime dame far too comfortably for my liking. Nevertheless, my grandkiddo loves him, nuff said.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

Thank goodness NZ makes it's own kids' TV shows.

Kelloggsville said...

I read this post and dismissed the idea that Justin would be taking over the world...codswallop, that Steve has gone all madatroplis I sneered and then I clicked on the iPlayer. And there he was in 'most popular'. 'Most popular' Steve, dear Lord, he's managing it..the take over has started...protect us...

Löst Jimmy said...

Nina of the Neurons was on as a guest in Justin's House the other day, so it can't be that bad...she was sporting a multi-coloured afro, apparently.

Steve said...

Heather: true. At least Justin wears his clown nose on his sleeve. So to speak.

About Last Weekend: it'll take more than compliments to get me to make a public fool of myself. It'll take a chocolate bar and a box of Lego.

Nana Go-Go: it won't be the first time Justin has got into trouble for "accidentally" making rude hand gestures under the guise of teaching Sign Language... and you're right about the cross-dressing thing. He seems to lap it up a bit too much.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: don't The Wiggles come from down under?!

Kelloggsville: see! See! I told you! Most popular? He has an army of devoted followers! An army!

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'm sure most viewers have never seen the rabbit-faced buffoon. Stop stalking the fellow and he won't seem so threatening.

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: she was indeed - plus her trademark boots and hair bunches. My neurons were all a-tingle.

Gorilla Bananas: are you talking to me or about me?

Owen said...

Maybe you could arrange a long visit to Somalia for him ? That's a place that needs to be taken over... he looks like just the man for the job...

Vicky said...

"And now it is too late. Now we have Justin’s House. Justin’s brand new show. Set in Justinland." Wow this is scary.
I bet he is somewhere on TV here in OZ either free to air or pay tv - will let you know when I find him.

TimeWarden said...

At least if he appeared outside number 10, he'd be gone by the end of the week! But seriously though, Steve, I don't think you should be putting such ideas into Steven Moffat's head. Good job RTD's gone, he might've taken you up on it!

libby said...

He looks like a younger Keith Chegwin.....maybe a secret love child intent on taking over the tv career that his father failed at?

Steve said...

Owen: those poor, poor people in Somalia? Haven't they suffered enough?

Vicky: check your back garden too... just in case.

TimeWarden: there's always Torchwood. I could see Captain Jack and Justin getting on very well indeed deep inside 'the hub'...

Libby: you might be onto something there. Or maybe some kind of Frankenstein creation... I mean, no one has seen Keith Chegwin for a while, have they?

Jon said...

Steeeeevvve...join us....open your mind and let Justin pour in His Love...you know it is The Way

Steve said...

Jon: the thought of having Justin inside me disturbs me in ways that I can't even express.

Selina Kingston said...

Look ! I don't know who this man is but I have seen that face around a lot and....I find it very disturbing!

Steve said...

Selina: when you wake to find him tapping at your bedroom window... that's the time to panic...!

Being Me said...

Wait... He's popping up in your life already squeezing his man boobs?? Is that even allowed? (on telly for kids) Sorry, forgive me, I'm on the other side of the globe and it takes a while for certain local concepts in your posts to catch up. Not that man-boob-squeezing is an English-only thing. Oh I'm so far behind. STOP IT. That was not a euphemism. You're nordy, Steve.

p.s. I'll have you know that The Wiggles come from Australia. Not... that I'm rushing to claim them...

Steve said...

Being Me: one of Justin's characters is a pantomime dame who elbows her own breasts in the style of Les Dawson and makes a honking noise as she does so. Seriously. Thankfully this activity doesn't appear to have impinged on my boy's behaviour too much.

Hopefully I'm nordy but noice. ;-)

As for The Wiggles... yeah, I knew where they came from and am thoroughly amazed that they've been going for 25 years and have never ever to my knowledge squeezed their own man-boobs. You're missing out Down Under! And that definitely was not a euphemism too.

Being Me said...

Honking noise while he does it??? Fantastic. But terrible. Give me Mr Maker any day (please don't tell me anything scandalous or slanderous about Mr Maker, he is revered in this house)

Steve said...

Being Maker: no, Mr Maker is a safe pair of hands (remember: scissors are sharp!) and has never (to my knowledge) honked his own man breasts.