Friday, October 14, 2011

To My Faithful Blog Followers I Wish To Bequeath My Membership To Chickswithdicks.com

It is surely a sign of man’s irrevocable advancement into the digital age when even the arrangements for our deaths and the disposal of our worldly chattels has become pixelated and blue-toothed up.

News reaches me (via the internet – where else?) that due to the sheer amount of time people spend living on-line and accumulating digital assets ‘digital inheritance’ is now having to be added to last wills and testaments.

It is no longer enough to simply specify that you want your brother-in-law to inherit your collection of German porn or that you wish the secret knicker stash you have collected over the last ten years from the washing lines of your neighbours to be donated to Christian Aid. You must make specific provision for your internet files and folders; for your YouTube movies and your Flickr albums.

People are already bequeathing passwords and membership details for music download sites and on-line photo albums. No doubt dedicated on-line gamers are leaving their avatars to their next of kin to carry on the good fight long after they are worm feed (I was going to crack a joke here about Halo but can’t be arsed).

And it all kind of makes sense.

See, I’ve only had a computer since 2000 but already I have amassed a huge stockpile of files and photos that don't exist anywhere else but on my hard-drive or on a server somewhere in North America. Family photos and movies. Blog posts. Poetry and stories whose voices exist only in Word and not on paper. What happens to all this when I die unless I leave it to somebody?

And so it’s got me thinking.

I could leave my blog to one of you, couldn’t I? You could carry on writing it while I argue with St. Peter. You could pose as me or even, if you were that way inclined, contact a medium and ghost-write my blog for me from the afterlife. I’ll dictate it all to you via weird dreams and tarot readings.

But who? That’s the question. Who?

The only way to settle this is by launching a competition.

Tell me in the comments box why you should inherit my blog. Or even why you shouldn’t.

The runners-up will win a bequeathment that entitles them to full access to my accounts with frauleinswithhooverattachments.com and rackemhigh.co.uk. There will also be a booby-prize of full control of my MySpace page.

And ultimately the lucky winner will stand a good chance of being (a) ignored, (b) disinherited the very next time they offend me or (c) bumped off by my wife who I am sure is just itching to get her hands on my blog. I know it is all she ever dreams about.

In fact, I’m sure that’s why she is making strange strangulation gestures behind my back right now... er... I’d get in quick if I were you lot; you might receive your windfall early.



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29 comments:

lunarossa said...

Sorry, Steve, but your blog without you writing it wouldn't mean anything to me! Wouldn't mind inheriting a bit of your good humour though if it is possible to bequeath at all! Long live Steve! Ciao. A.x.

Steve said...

Lunarossa: I'll pop it into an envelope and leave it with the executor of my will... it's bound to give them a smile on their face if nobody else!

Owen said...

Nobody could pose as you, Steve, that is unthinkable, so you'd best stay around quite a while longer yet... or else !

Trish @ Mum's Gone To ... said...

Leave your blog to me so that when you die I can re-open your Twitter account and follow all the weirdos. I promise to pimp each post a dozen times a day so that your name will be remembered forever.

the fly in the web said...

Having read your post, Mr. Fly insists I enter the competition.

What is my unique selling point?
I will make such a cock up (oh dear)of it...or lose it in the ether...that your memory will be enhanced in the light of my incompetence.

Howzat?

And I'm still waiting for you to use your media influence to get Location Location Location to feature Costa Rica...

Steve said...

Owen: oh, Owen, as my avatar picture suggests... any fool could do it. ;-)

Trish: ooh. You're good, but you're taking a risk with the Twitter plug... however, your showbiz and travel connections would bring some much needed glamour to my blog.

The fly in the web: bad puns will always make you beloved in mine eyes. As for Locationx3 (as we in the know refer to it), alas Kirsty Allsopp is currently screening out all my calls for some strange reason. Something about knickers being stolen from her washing line...

John Gray said...

I think you should leave your computer to science.........medical science.
Psychologists from around the world would have a field day
x

Steve said...

John: alas, they have been pipped to the post - the police have already expressed an interest.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Great! A competition in which the winner gets a booby prize! I would like to apply on behalf of a bearded middle-aged guy I know who plays with Lego and pretends to fancy older women to suck up to the housewives and mothers who read his journal. Do you think he's got a chance?

Nota Bene said...

So if I inherit your blog that would be like one of those new James Bond novels that keep coming out...you know the same sort of stuff, but without the heart, soul and talent behind it? Count me in - I'm always here to help, although I really just want your dodgy passwords

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: not a primate in hell's chance.

Nota Bene: loving the compliment hidden away in there, Mr Bond. Get me some sharks with lasers attached to their heads and the gig is yours.

Dicky said...

If I in inherited your blog I might change the title to Bloggertropodick.com (see what I did there, its sounds like German porn?).

No seriously, I think you would be a tough blogger to emulate, and I wouldn't want to try. Please don't die Steve *insert image of me on knees praying*.

Unless of course you're already on the other side! Are you blogging from heaven? More likely that other place me thinks.

EmmaK said...

I feel I could emulate your style but I am rather less productive than you. I am looking for a time share arrangement with some other bloggers to inherit your blog after your demise. I'd blog on your blog once a year in exchange for access to your stash of food porn and Lady Dinner Lady kinky pics. Thanks xxx

Steve said...

Dicky: there are a lot of gremlins in my computer which makes me think I might be blogging from a cybercafe in Hades, I must admit. But I could just as easily be where I think I am - Leamington Spa - and with a connection provided by Virgin Media. So the true condition of my mortality is anybody's guess.

Emma: you can have the dinner lady kinky pics anytime - you only have to ask (and beat me with a gravy ladle). A timeshare arrangment, huh? Yeah, that could work. You'd need some other idiot, er, blogger to go in with you though.

Jon said...

Tricky. Your blog is based - to a great extent - on your life experiences, so whoever takes it over needs (in my mind) to take on your job, Mrs Steve and the little Steves to have any chance at all of not making a hash of the whole thing.

While I'm sure that they are all delightful, I fear the commute would be beyond me.

Being Me said...

'ere! Gorilla Bananas: What's this Older women???!!! Cheeky monkey.

I haven't got enough wit in me so you'll do no good having me enter your competition. Not a euphemism. (For the record, yours is the only blog I visit where I have to keep clarifying that)

Steve said...

Jon: take over my job?! Bwah ha ha ha ha!

What's the earliest you can start? Monday would be good for me.

Being Me: clarify all you want; nobody will believe you. All the euphemistic muck that comes out of your mouth frequently takes my breath away. In fact I now need to go for a lie down and collect myself together. (No euphemism intended.)

Katriina said...

Oooh, pick me to be your transcriber of beyond-the-grave wit! Surely Apple has a Ouija board app?

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

I'm going to get in before the Sagittarian and point out that if you leave your blog to me - not her! - you will at least get to emmigrate posthumously to New Zealand!

PS That lass, Being Me, underates herself.

TimeWarden said...

I wouldn't want to inherit your blog, Steve, not because I don't enjoy reading it but because I already spend more time than is healthy writing my own!

I don't really want any of your porn memberships either, to be honest!!

I would, however, be quite happy to receive the folder containing all your Keeley Hawes pics!!!

Steve said...

Katriina: I'm sure Steve Jobs is working on it right now...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: does this mean you will sprinkle my cyber ashes over your garden? Re: that lass, Being Me - you're right.

TimeWarden: duly noted. For some reason my wife is not bothered about keeping those as family heirlooms.

Keith said...

Noooooooooooo

Where would we be with anyone else but Steve writing Bloggertroplis ( and man is that a hard word to type ) It would be like new coke, or Twinings earl gray, or Ben Mitchell as prison hardened thug. All wrong in the Universe.

So there is nothing else for it. You just have to live forever.

Who else is gonna come by my gaff and leave any comments either ?

Steve said...

Keith: live forever? there's nothing for it, then... I shall have to make like Lord Voldermort. All I need now is 7 willing volunteers...

Keith said...

And no nose.

Steve said...

Keith: but how will I smell...? (boom boom tish!)

Vicky said...

I'm not going to enter as I have enough trouble updating my blog LOL

Steve said...

Vicky: that's a perfect reason not to update mine!

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

The Secret Garden is open for weddings, funerals, general rites of passage: ash scatterings? Why not. (Does a blog leave ash?)

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: thank you for offering a final resting place for my Blog. I would like a little shady spot under an oak tree if that is at all possible.