Monday, November 07, 2011

Being Crap

The thing about being crap is that you know, I mean really know, that you’re doing it.

But this knowledge doesn’t help you.

It’s not like other epiphanies. It’s not like when you think to yourself I’m being an arsehole and then you manage to rein in your arseholeness a modicum so that you are less areshole-like. It’s not like when you are stapling a work colleague’s tongue to the notice board and you get to the end of the staples and think OK, I’ve made my position perfectly clear now and you finally stop.

When you realize you are being crap the being crap continues.

I have two novels to proofread. One for publishing on Kindle the other for sending out to an agent. I need to be writing synopses and "Dear Agent" bum-licky letters. I have other people’s work to read and review. I have shop-bought books to read just because I bought them to read them for pleasure. I need to chase college who, bizarrely, have not yet confirmed that I have passed Sign Language Level 1 even though Level 2 is now so far underway it is pointless me trying to enrol and catch up. I have chores around the house – not particularly big chores – that need my attention. I have vague ideas for new writing projects that need solidifying, sharpening. I need to be thinking about Christmas presents. I have bills to pay. I have stuff that needs... stuffing.

But I’m doing none of these things.

I am being crap.

I feel like a severed tongue. I’m just lying here without any discernible means to move myself and I probably have poor taste to boot.

It could be post-novel writing blues. It could be pre-winter SAD. It could be sheer laziness or just inspiration famine.

But I am being crap.

And I am being crap very well indeed.

Result.

See. I knew I wasn’t a complete loser.



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28 comments:

Nota Bene said...

Never seen anything wrong in procrastinating. Nailing people's tongues to the noticeboard I'm not so sure about though

Steve said...

Nota Bene: who said anything about nailing? I always use nice clean staples. Wouldn't want anyone to catch tetanus...

Trish @ Mum's Gone To ... said...

Ah we're all guilty of being crap. I'm only half-way through your book mainly because I'm too mean to print it out and I'm not sitting at the computer for long enough.
Prioritise, young man! Lists - urgent/important - then once you've written your list, go off and have a cuppa as that's a job well done.

Steve said...

Trish: trouble is... I'm really crap at lists. ;-)

Selina Kingston said...

I'm not accomplished at many things.... but being crap is one of them

London City Mum said...

Isn't procrastination the mother of all invention?

Or did some lazy git just make that up to feel better about themselves?

LCM x

Steve said...

Selina: I'm happier knowing that I am in such esteemed company!

LCM: I thought procrastination was the mother of all headaches. Or was that procreation? One of the two.

John Gray said...

something tells me that
you are being just a little bit....crap

Steve said...

John: "just a little bit". At last, I can take justifiable pride in being an underachiever.

lunarossa said...

Hi Stevie, Join the being crap club. I think that your being crap is also my way of being crap, so it is a good being crap, believe me. If your being crap was just doing nothing, then that being crap would be really crap, whilst your busy being crap is useful and also good. I know this rambling is just a lot of crap but I hope you'll understand what I mean anyway!!!! Ciao. A.x.

Steve said...

Lunarossa: I like your distinction between being busy being crap and doing nothing being crap. I'll use that in any future defence.

Mark said...

We all have periods of ability and drive - they come and go. I can't keep fit and write - seriously, when I write intensely, I stop exercising; almost as if the mental effort is too much.

Steve said...

Mark: yep, I know how that works. One of my creative writing tutors told me years ago that writing is a very physical activity and it will exhaust you like a good work out. Unfortunately isn't doesn't burn off the same amount of calories.

Löst Jimmy said...

I feel crap today - my work can be a bit shit at times and so today was poo
Enough excrement from me for now

joebloggs said...

I always find its better to be crap and not do anything than to spend all day and lots of energy to find out then that your crap. Or worse still, someone else point it out to you.
Mind you I do tend to do stupid things and think halfway through "this is really stupid" but carry on to completion anyway. I blame the "stupid" jean...I think they are a carrot fit!

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: there are indeed days when we all must take a bit out of the shit sandwich...

Joe: that is very true and very mollifying. At least I realized I was crap today before I infected others with my uber-crapness.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Lack of drive means low testosterone. You can either eat bulls' testicles or disguise yourself as a transsexual to get a doctor's prescription.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: either of those alternatives is too dire to swallow.

Being Me said...

I am so relieved to discover I am being crap with the best of them. I have a similar sizeable list to yours. I'd like to add to that a hoard of damn fine, enjoyable and worthy of my time and effort blogs (people!) whom I like to visit and keep up with. Every day as my work mounts higher and I don't go and visit their blogs is another day where I feel even better at being crap.

Hey, you're right! This does have a certain achievement silver lining about it.

Steve said...

Being Me: hey - you're being me and I'm being crap. I'm a role model for somebody at last!

Woman, you need to learn to be a lot more discerning.

;-)

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

Oh Lord, we're all at it (Gorilla Bananas - do bull's testicles work for women?) This last year, in spite of anything you read on my blog, has been a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, and when an up-day happens, getting as much done as I possibly can. The main reason I haven't got back to you about reading your novel (and I said I would) is 'cos the grass is as high as an elephant's eye and, and keeping up with choice blogs is about my reading limit at the moment.

Clippy Mat said...

huh call THAT being crap?
amateur being crap all that lot.
that's being crap for wimps 101.
that's not even being crap in the big leagues boy.
that's just not even on the radar for being crap.
it's so NOT being crap it is crap.
you're crap at being crap.

(do you feel better yet?)
i thought i'd cheer you up.

p.s. i'm reading your book and unlike Trish I've gone to the expense of printing some of it off as well. i'll expect you to return the favour when i've finished MY book.
i'm off to a good start. i've done all the page numbers.
hahahahaha
i'm crap at being funny aren't i?
:-)

Vicky said...

Your mojo has mojoed out the door, don't worry all the stuff you have to do will still be there when your mojo returns.........

Owen said...

Maybe you could start a Being Crap Club, and charge membership fees, which could solve your financial issues, as I suspect plenty of folks would want to join... and given that it is the Being Crap Club, you don't even have to actually do anything or furnish any services in return, other than... crap.

Being Me said...

I would hasten to suggest here that being me IS being crap.... so, therefore, perhaps it is I who have rubbed off on you!

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: no worries. It's waiting here for you whenever you're ready. When you do finally read it you'll have the advantage of having a version that will have all typos finally expunged!

Clippy Mat: crap at being crap? Still that's better than being crap at being crap at being crap. 'Cos that it just big time crap. Or should that be small time crap? Glad you're enjoying the numbers so far. They're in the proper order and everything. I was very careful about that.

Vicky: trouble is my mojo had packed enough bags for a long haul flight...

Owen: yeah but think of the admin. I'm crap at admin. And meetings. Especially AGM's. It would be way to much crap for me to handle.

Being Me: stop talking dirty.

Jon said...

I've thought long and hard about this sort of thing and I have devined that in my life there are what I chose to call "crap nodes."

For example, the washing basket that sits by the washing machine. This is not the "main" washing basket, but it is where all kinds of dressing up clothes, tea towels, jodpurs, odd socks, etc end up.

In a rational world I should Do Something about it, but even veiwing it from a distance causes a lassitude in the legs and a sudden urge to go away and surf the internet.

It's not the only one: there is the partially-tackled chest of draws in the hall, the toy box behind the living room door, and so forth.

These nodes are joined by lines of force, akin to ley lines, that I have called isofaecesveteres (ie "same old shit") lines that I believe may one day hold the key to a profitable sideline for me by which I go into peoples homes and rearrange their furniture to divert the isofaecesveteres lines down the loo and save them from disaster.

Steve said...

Jon: sheer genius. You need to copyright the idea and the methodology. You could make a fortune. I'd be happy to advertize you on my blog but... well, you know how it is. I'm a bit crap.