Monday, November 21, 2011

The Ghost Of Christmas Post

OK. I’m waiting.

I have my arms outstretched upwards to the stars and my chakras open so wide a Higgs Boson could drive a ruddy great juggernaut right through the middle of them without touching the sides.

But it ain’t hit me. It hasn’t entered me. I am not speaking in Christmas tongues.

The spirit of Christmas has not seen fit to descend and use my body as a vessel for its gloriously tinselly commercialism.

I ain’t getting the Christmas vibe, man,

And I know I should be. The shops are selling their Christmas tat with the intensity of an Amsterdam window dancer. My home town had its big Christmas light switch on yesterday. Even Jamie ‘cheeky twatty’ Oliver is on the telly once more touting his mince pie flavoured ice cream (I kid you not: “individual ice creams wiv bits of mince pie in ‘em – even the pastry! Gor blimey, gov’nor!”).

The signs are there writ large upon the stars. Even the D list ones.

It is Christmas time (mistletoe and wine). It’s time to get jollied up. To get Santa’d. To get ho ho hoed.

But I can’t do it. I just can’t summon up the inclination.

It’s taken all my will power just to summon up a soupcon of enthusiasm to give my wife a Christmas wish list for myself – let alone trying to choose presents for other people.

I feel that spiritually I am shrugging with the burden of it all. I’m suffering from joy exhaustion or maybe more accurately “fear of joy commitment”.

Money’s tight. The health of the entire family seems to be dicey at the moment – if it we were a drink we would be Cinzano on the rocks without the Cinzano. Inanimate and domestic services are breaking down. My work colleagues inform me that Russell Grant got voted off Strictly Come Dancing. Things are on the verge of collapse.

Is this a good time to be having Christmas, I ask myself?

Might we not be better off postponing it until the Spring? ‘Cos Springwatch will be on the telly then and Chris Packham will be convincing us all that life is getting better because of all the birds and badgers producing young. The days will be longer. Jamie Oliver will have died from mince pie ice cream poisoning. I’ll have a modicum of hope in my heart that things will at least be getting warmer if not better.

This mid winter thing? I mean, is that really right for Christmas? Is it appropriate? Half of the world doesn’t think so.

Can we have a referendum on it, please? Put it to the vote?

Where the hell’s Jacob Marley when you need him?


P.S. This is my 800th post. That’s right: 800! 800 posts and still moaning...

33 comments:

The Dotterel said...

Forget Christmas spirit - add an 's' and all will be well.

the fly in the web said...

Moan on Steve...800 not out..better than Bradman!
My lawyer's office has a Santa with a sack labelled 'ho ho ho' on her office door....not good publicity I feel!

Rol said...

Happy 800th.

Postpone? You can ban the bloody thing completely for all I care.

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Bah humbug! To be fair it's not even December yet so I think you're allowed to be grumpy about it all, for now anyway!

Steve said...

The Dotterel: make it a double and all will be better.

The fly in the web: Maybe he was queueing up to see her? One of those no win no fee jobs? Roofs can be pretty slippy at this time of year...

Rol: ah Jacob! There you are!

Nota Bene said...

You wait...the snow will be here soon, then you'll feel Christmasy! I suggest mince pies and sherry all round to celebrate the 800th

Martin Lower said...

It's 'cos it's still warm. It doesn't feel like Christmas when you can still wander on the beach.

Mind you, if it was up to me I'd ban it. Or at least change it to once every four years, like the Olympics (only cheaper).

Bah, humbug.......

Trish @ Mum's Gone To ... said...

Took me ages to work out that your title referred to a blog 'post' and not the fact that you hadn't received any cards yet.

I'll get me coat. It's red with a black belt and a furry trim.

Marginalia said...

Steve, it won't work this attempt to convince yourself that buying anything for the wife and kids is the right thing to do!

But surely, even your adamantine heart must give a little watching John Lewis's Christmas ad.

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: you think I'm suffering from premature Christmas dejection?

Nota Bene: Snow? Snow?! Last year the snow in Scotland nearly stopped my presents from being delivered! Grrrr!

Martin Lower: once every 4 years? Not a bad idea at all. We could have David Beckham kick a Christmas pudding out of a doube decker bus at the opening ceremony.

Trish: would you like me to leave some stockings out for youas well?

Marginalia: it isn’t Christmas for me until I see Nigella Lawson sucking off a turkey baster.

Keith said...

I am going to say this LOUD. IT IS ONLY NOVEMBER. No-one should have to feel christmas anything for at least another 3 weeks. What you are feeling is normal. So ignore all that crap they want you to buy into, ( X Factor freakazoids warbling for M&S..., christmas tree scented icing sugar...WTF!!!! ) wait until the nights are really long, and the days are barely a watery flicker of light, and settle in with your amazing family ( boiler included ) and just be there.

And congrats on the 800. I am humbled in your presence.

Steve said...

Keith: thank you. But I want others to be humbled by my presents.

Being Me said...

Happy 800th! Love Dotterel's suggestions. I'm all for that. I don't get infused with the Christmas spirit til late December, myself.

Steve said...

Being Me: infused? I'm hoping to get absolutely marinated.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I've always thought Scrooge needed a bearded sidekick who would haunt the ghosts that were haunting him and cuff the boy who bought the goose on Christmas Day. It would end with Scrooge making you eat his sprouts.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: why do you always have to bring sex into it?

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

About the 21st Dec feels right to me.
What an irony, you wanting to shift the date. New Zealanders keep saying the same thing as they roast turkey on high summer days. But hey all you need to do is emmigrate and then you can at least enjoy barbecues, swimming, new potatoes, pavlova, strawberries, end-of-year office parties, school-prize-givings and preparing for your summer get-away while the commercial wagon churns out Christmas carols, fake snow and sweating Santas!

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: we need to house-swap. I'll leave the front door key under the mat.

Daniel "past fast passed " Leight said...

Pre Seasonal Blues Complaint.

Red pill, rest, restraints, a mug of hot chocolate and four tuned cookies.

The cookie crumbles, galaxies spiral and tumble and still the humble wookiee bellies mumble, rumble and grumble as they fumble and stumble through the jumble in search of the cookie monster.

Steve said...

Daniel: you have well and truly twisted my melon, man.

lunarossa said...

Congratulations for your 800th! You've even surpassed Gandalf! I cannot stand what Christmas has become but at the end every year I get sucked in too...Ciao. A.x

Owen said...

You're right Steve, maybe we should put it off until after the world ends... once we see that the world is still there (if we do) then we'll have something to celebrate !

PS keep on moaning...

Vicky said...

Open a bottle of alcohol start drinking and when you wake up Christmas will be over for another year LOL
I just realised yesterday that it is under 4 weeks till my mother arrives for the festive season and the house is a pig sty and that is being mean to the pigs LOL

libby said...

TOO EARLY...it is too early to feel the Christmas spirit....just wait and believe, and have you been a very good boy all year? 'cos Santa won't visit unless you have...
ps happy 800th.

Steve said...

Lunarossa: does Gandalf have a blog?

Owen: just think of the great closing down sale!

Vicky: I'll drink to that!

Libby: I think I was struck off Santa's list a long time ago. How ironic when he's the hoodie.

LUCEWOMAN said...

Someone asked if I was 'ready' for Christmas yesterday. What does that mean? We have Christmas every year, its not an unplanned, unprecedented event, like the apocalypse.
I will enjoy certain aspects of Christmas, but by FAR my favourite part, is moaning about it.

I may start moaning in October next year, what do you reckon?

Steve said...

LUCEWOMAN: October? You do mean start moaning in October 2012 ready for Christmas 2015, don't you?

John Gray said...

hummm I am almost up to 3000
and still the occassional victor meldrew moment arises amid the dross!!!

forget the shit
forget the commercialism
forget the expense
forget the insincerity

remember......the baby jesus!

ok i'll try again
remember a nice meal and some good television xxx

Mark said...

Cinzano on the rocks without the Cinzano! I know a few people I could offer that to.

I'm not feeling very Christmas spiritish yet, but I think that's a good thing.

The Sagittarian said...

Bah hum bug.
Congrats on your 800th post - I'm going to celebrate THAT this year, bugger Xmas!

Steve said...

John: 3000? I'm a lightweight by comparison.

Mark: so do I. We're possibly the only sane people on the planet.

Amanda: suits me fine. Just send all your presents my way.

Livi said...

Oh no! Scrooge in our midst!

*jingles bells*

*singes Merry Christmas Mr Tropolis* in a seductive manner...

getting anywhere yet?

Steve said...

Livi: I'll always have a mince pie for you, sweetie. ;-)