Saturday, November 05, 2011

Major Infarction And General Anaesthetic

So my poorly hot water heater was given its pre-op clean Tuesday evening. The dust was scrubbed off. The old bottles of Domestos and Oilatum were removed from the top. The blood spatter patterns were removed from the sides (don’t ask). All in preparation for Dr Plumb to delve into its coppery innards Wednesday morning.

I told work I’d be in late. I needed to be on hand to wipe my water heater’s brow and whisper reassurances into its metallic ears as the engineer invaded it’s inner sanctum with a screwdriver and a rolled up copy of The Sun.

As it was the operation was cancelled. After an hour of fruitless waiting I rang Sureway to be told by the receptionist that Dr Plumb’s previous patient was currently dying on an operating table somewhere in Suburbville and would take a lot longer to resuscitate. I couldn’t afford to lose yet more time at work so had to reschedule the op for the next day. Thursday at 4pm.

Typical bloody NHS.

As it was the Dr Fixit who attended on Thursday was worth the wait. If we were fearing a greasy-handed butcher who would leave foreign objects afloat in my water heater’s tender abdomen (I believe it’s called retention) I was wrong. We had a lovely young doctor who prepped and cleaned the operating table beforehand and even swept up the rusty entrails afterwards too. It was like the NHS had been unable to attend and had sent BUPA instead.

He quickly ascertained the possible sources of the problem: either a faulty valve (replacement would be £170 – may as well get a new water heater if this was the case) or a worn diaphragm.

It proved to be the latter. Much cheaper to replace and very reassuring to know that my water heater has been indulging in safe sex for all these years without me knowing about it. Though it does explain why our shower unit always looks so perky in the mornings.

We now have the pitter-patter of hot water running throughout the house once more. Father and water heater are both doing well.

Thank you all for your get well cards, your flowers and your chocolates. They were much appreciated though very much more imagined.

I can now get myself up to my neck in hot water once again (in fact I must remember to tell this to my wife: she’ll be thrilled).



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27 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'm not sure sex with a diaphragm is technically safe, but congratulations on getting your boiler back to good health. I suggest a hot bath to keep your bollocks sterile.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: but doesn't keeping them warm keep the contents active and virile?

Keith said...

A big fat congratulatory cigar to the happy father. To enjoy with your soak.

I share your relief that it didn't cost the earth. Maybe Angela Merkel had a word.

Steve said...

Keith: Angela Merkel can have all the words she likes but she's not sharing my bath.

Being Me said...

Congratulations! I'd much prefer to think of your boiler as a saucy minx who wore out a diaphragm than needing a faulty valve replacement - that sounds far more terminal.
And hey... don't tell anyone (shhh) but I spent a bit longer than I should have staring at 'NHS' and wondering why you had forgotten the W both mentions. Until I realised you weren't talking about the national hot water service.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

Sometimes after a process of set-backs and frustration, you realise that it was all for the better good.
Great to hear you are back on heat.

Steve said...

Being Me: national hot water service? Is that some kind of marriage rescue service? ;-)

Not that I'm in hot water, I hasten to add. Though technically and happily I am once more.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: oh I'm definitely gushing once more!

Marginalia said...

"Immersioncee Ward 10", knocks the spots of "Ben Casey".

Nice to know you can stop ringing that bell and take off the "Unclean" sign.

That sweet smell of success.

Steve said...

Marginalia: on the downside I will miss washing my bits in the sink.

Clippy Mat said...

but I will ask...
blood spatters on the side of the old boiler?
hmm the address on the work order says, 10 Rillington Place?....
;-)

Trish @ Mum's Gone To ... said...

"I needed to be on hand to wipe my water heater’s brow and whisper reassurances into its metallic ears as the engineer invaded its inner sanctum with a screwdriver and a rolled up copy of The Sun"

What a brilliant sentence! That's what makes you such a good writer and why I love reading your work.

You're expecting some sting in the tail now, some barbed comment to bring you back down to earth?

There is none. You're just bloody good.

the fly in the web said...

Washing your bits in the sink...definitely a man's world...

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: Fred West may have been the previous owner.

Trish: you can come round and borrow a cup of hot water any time.

The fly in the web: sometimes it's very convenient to have a spatula handy.

Mark said...

Glad Dr plumb came to your rescue - our shower gave up this week too - still waiting.

libby said...

You are good...writing is your 'thing' obviously and maybe one day when you are rich and famous you will remember that we cheered you on!...did you keep that guys number by the way? our boiler is on the blink!!

Kelloggsville said...

Well when I first read about your little problem, I said, I said ' that's a worn diaphragm that is, tell im he's got a worn diaphragm I said' I literally hoisted me troosers up at the same time and loudly sucked in air for good measure. I will now go beat a cute puppy with me rolled up copy of the sun (do they still actually print that?!). Happy wallowing, rest assured we are all watching you enjoy.

Steve said...

Mark: I'll send Dr Fixit around to see you. He takes longer to arrive but cleans up after himself.

Libby: Sureway Heating - they're in the local phone book and come highly recommended (by me).

Kelloggsville: so it's your silhouette I can see outside the bathroom window is it? You plainly have a head for heights.

About Last Weekend said...

Cheap at twice the price!

Steve said...

About Last Weekend: I wouldn't go that far... we haven't seen the actual bill yet.

Jenny Woolf said...

Hope the hot water running through the house isn't engulfing any small animals or hard working decent insects

Rol said...

I'm glad it turned out cheaper than it might have done. I'm dreading our boiler packing up... hoping it'll hold out till I'm gainfully employed again (whenever that may be).

I'm avoiding all the sex talk 'cos it just seems sick. If you're going to fantasise about a household appliance, a washing machine is much hornier.

Nana Go-Go said...

Lucky it wasn`t your injectors that were away.....much more painful than replacing a worn diaphragm!Many,many happy hot bath returns to you.

Meg said...

I cannot read your blog, nor the comments until I am no longer suffering from a virus. Every time I laugh I start coughing, half my lung is currently on the keyboard.

Thanks for the update. Diaphragm is only safe is having children is what you are guarding against. Sexy Hot Water Heater. Rawr!

Owen said...

You mean you had been using that diaphragm all those years without putting spermicide on it ??? Sounds risky to me... ;-)

Steve said...

Jenny: no, the kids are fine.

Rol: I figured you'd be a Dyson Ball kind of guy...

Nana Go-Go: I'm forever blowing bubbles once more.

Meg: you sound rather phlegmatic. Please don't expectorate on my new hot water heater. It only just got cleaned.

Owen: sulphuric acid was cheaper.

Katriina said...

You really are bloody excellent with words.

Glad to hear that your boiler is fizzing with good health and ready for action with her fresh diaphragm.

Just watch out for those kids next door. They are surely in a state of high excitement from all those euphemisms flying around.

Steve said...

Katriina: I don't worry about the kids next door. They're all comatose with a Pot Noodle OD.