Friday, December 28, 2012

On The Second Day Of Christmas I Was Given The Greatest Nosh In All The World...

Seductive red lipsIt was perhaps the most sensual experience of my existence so far.

A singular gift that most dream of but are seldom rewarded with receiving. An act that sends shivers down your spine and grants you the type of sensory satisfaction that you normally only find in works of fiction. Fifty Shades Of Grey doesn't even come close.

To some just the thought of it is repulsive. Dirty. Degrading. Even though, given the specialness of the time of year, there is justification for suggesting it to your loved one / partner.

I know. I know. Despite years of apparent intimacy, such requests - often coming out of the blue - can seem like a bridge too far. It can push boundaries to breaking point.

It is, I will admit, not everyone's bag. Some just can't handle the taste - slightly peppery, slightly salty - and can't close off the gag reflex.

Some switch off their taste buds and just go for it - functional, perfunctory - not really enjoying it; just going along to please and gratify.

This does not work for me. It does not float my boat.

I'd much rather an out-and-out no than a sighing agreement to suffer in silence.


I want the peak moment to be shared. To be indulged by all participants.

The hedonist in me is just built that way.

And so it was that, this Christmas, I girded my loins and propositioned my wife.

"Please", I said.

"It is only once a year. It is a special time. Why don't we, you know... do it? Do the deed we rarely speak of?"

She gave a maidenly blush (special and rare in itself, believe me) and, blinking away her sudden coquettishness, replied, "You mean... you want me to..."

I nodded down to the small, firm, round objects cupped seductively in the palm of my hands.

"Yes," I said. "I want you to make bubble and squeak. After all," I winked slyly, "We did buy in an extra big portion of sprouts especially."

And with that, she took those dreamy green nuggets of deliciousness out of my hand and mashed them up with boiled potatoes, coated them in flour and paprika and fried them up into saucily green burgers of vegetable delight.

Bubble and squeak might not be the food of the gods but in my house, at this time of year, it is the one thing guaranteed to pop my cork.

And blow me to ecstasy and back if my wife didn't enjoy gobbling it all up just as much as I did.

You can't beat a good bit of nosh at Christmas time, you really can't.

Happy Season's greetings to you all.



Gorilla Bananas said...

I think the gaoler's daughter served bubble-and-squeak to Toad when he was in prison for stealing a motor car. Although, unlike you, Toad never begged for it. That aside, I'm sure you and your missus looked the part.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: I'm glad you didn't make the obvious joke about the wind in the willows.

the fly in the web said...

Right....get this vegetarian erotica turned into a book, rake in the lolly and then forget the day job and get back to your real thought this year might be a turning point...i

Steve said...

The fly in the web|: make money from my writing? That's given me a ginormous marrow just thinking about it!

Suburbia said...

I presume it was Nigella making your B&S?!

Steve said...

Suburbia: no, I can assure you, I always formulate my own bullshit.

libby said...

Sprouts beautiful sprouts...I love 'em......fried up with butter and salt and pepper.....mmmmmmm.

Steve said...

Libby: "sprouts beautiful sprouts" was the original lyrics for Oliver Twist The Musical, you know.

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

LOL! I think I'll leave the bubble-and-squeak to you.

Steve said...

Kellie: bubble and squeak is very nice for one... but much nicer for two...!

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

Oh, oh, oh, brussels sprouts float my boat too (have you floated them in a glass of champagne?) I've never thought of bubbling and squeaking them... Wrong time of year here right now.

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: float them in champagne?! Just what kind of pervert do you take me for? ;-)

Marginalia said...

I dread to think what you'd make of a bowl of Jerusalem artichokes.

Steve said...

Marginalia: a chariot of fire for the boudoir...

The bike shed said...

Doing a quick round of all my blogging friends to wish you a very happy and successful new year.

Best wishes


Steve said...

Mark: thank you - and the very best to you and yours too.