Monday, April 07, 2014


I’ve had to take the unprecedented step of leaving the Kate Bush Fan Club Facebook page.

Actually, it’s not unprecedented at all. I’ve left loads of pages on Facebook. When it comes to nixing FB related things I’m like Charles Bronson at the start of Once Upon A Time In The West. Sweaty, bristly, breath like Chicken Fajitas but with a lightning fast trigger finger.

And the Kate Bush Fan Club page, well, they brought too many horses (true Western fans will get that reference).

It was the whinging. The whining. The petty schoolyard arguments:

“I haven’t got a ticket to her live show and it’s so unfair ‘cos I’m her number one fan and all the touts who aren’t fans have got the tickets are selling them for the price of a Heston Blumenthal 3 course meal”.

“I have got tickets and I want to witter on and on about what songs she might sing and what songs I want her to sing and what songs do you think she will sing?”

“I haven’t got tickets and I don’t want to hear about what songs you think she might sing ‘cos I want to die for the entire duration of her shows so that I don’t have to live in a world where I don’t have tickets to see her.”

“Hello I’m new to the group and I want to show you a picture of a Kate Bush 7 inch single I bought from a flea market in Birmingham and ask if it is worth anything and does anybody have any spare tickets to sell, I heard she is going to play some live dates in September…?”

On and on and on.

Now I’m a fan. I’m up there with the most devoted and delusional of any of them. I can trace my Kate Bush pedigree back to the early 80’s – none of this “been a fan since Aerial” malarkey. I have all her records. I have tickets not only to her show but also to the hospitality party beforehand. I’m convinced she is going to personally serve me canapés and share her champagne with me in the toilets. And ask me to help compose the lyrics to her next album. It is meant to be.

But I know how galling it is to not have tickets. For 2 days I was in deep dudgeon because despite having early access to the fan only tickets I still missed out and felt that the general release was merely going to give me a cat in hell’s chance. I can remember the excoriating feeling of “I’m going to miss out on a truly rare event”. I know it came good for me in the end but I still retain the muscle memory of that previous failure. Like Frodo forever feeling the burning loss of his ring. Or something like that.

But joking aside it is not the end of the world or even the start of it. If I hadn’t got tickets I would have felt gutted but I would have moved on. I still have Kate’s music to enjoy and stalking is a perfectly acceptable pastime these days.

But the petty nit-picking and childish sourness of the Facebook group was too much. I know people are just people… but really! I expected more from Kate Bush fans. And I know how stupid and vapid that sounds. As if liking Kate Bush immediately bestows wisdom and first class mental health onto the patron. But it was like being back at school. The old “I’m a bigger fan than you are – no you’re not, I am” kind of thing.

I felt besmirched. I felt like I was a kid again and not in a good way.

Do adults really behave like this without being aware of it?

Plainly they do.

So I did the adult thing. I didn’t castigate everyone in the group for being pathetic; I didn’t lob a sarky grenade into the status box and then run for cover. I just revoked my own membership, left forever and instantly felt calm again.

See, I don’t need the others. I don’t need to be part of a big group or a gang. I don’t need to be part of a happening or “a thing”.

Kate and me, we’ve got our own thing going on. A special relationship.

She’s hired a private policeman just for me.

At least that’s what my lawyer has told me.


Gorilla Bananas said...

Bravo. If Kate were gay, you'd be her beard. And whoever prunes Kate's bush would practice on your first.

Trish said...

I do think you should rejoin after the concert, so you can share the intimate photos of you and Kate quaffing champers. It's the least you can do.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: prunes Kate's bush?!? I bet she's completely au naturel.

Trish: you're so right. I'll save the boudoir photos for the tabloids.

John Going Gently said...

This is the downside of internet life.....
In the safety go their own homes...people often behave very differently on thenet than they would do face to face.....

Steve said...

John: I bloody hope so; I'm going to have to sit next to some of these people at the Hammersmith Apollo come September...!

Suburbia said...

Hope Kate doesn't read the page - she may decide they're not worth performing for?!!

Steve said...

Suburbia: as long as I get a private performance I'll be happy.

Keith said...

Pop your vinyl 'Never Forever' on ( brought at the time ) and don't be bothering with these modern yoff-kid things.

They never had Kate on Top of the Pops to look forward to on a thursday night, so what can you expect ?

Steve said...

Keith: you're so right. They watch a few Kate Bush videos on YouTube and think they're real fans. Where were they when I was queuing for my VHS version of The Singles File? That's right; still floating around their mama's ovaries. Real fans? Bah! Don't make me laugh.

Marginalia said...

I was a bit worried about your reference to Frodo and the loss of his ring. Was that as a result of a very hot curry or an encounter with Smaug?

Have you thought of signing up to the "Telly Tubbies" FB page.

Steve said...

Barry: Frodo possessed a ring of power - therefore everybody was after a piece of it. As for the Telly Tubbies, I'm stearing well clear... Way too much sex and violence.

Nota Bene said...

On-line behaviour vs real world behaviour is going to be the basis for many, many theses for the next millenium.

Incidentally I don't have Kate Bush tickets, and I'm older than you. It's not fair. You should hand them over.

Should I have tried to buy some in the first place?

Steve said...

Nora Bene: £2k and they're yours. Cheap at half the price.

Only kidding. Make it £4k.