One of you has blabbed.
One of you couldn’t keep your mouth shut about the good thing we had going.
The meals out. The flirty texts. The lingerie and the peanut butter. The hot nights rucking up the bedsheets in cheap hotels as we lost ourselves in wild abandon.
One of you has run to the press and sung like a canary.
And I mean to find out who (Rol, I may yet forgive you if you come clean right away).
I’ve been approached by a journalist. A freelance journalist no less. And yes, I had to control my knee-jerk sneer at the word “freelance” because I interpreted it as “I Want To Be A”. Apologies to all you freelancers out there. I am a man in the grip of cynicism.
This journo wants to do an interview with me. A telephone interview no less. She wants to start a new blog (blog? Oh. That kind of freelance journalist? One of us, basically). A blog about love, relationships and dating but more particularly centred around the issues of long distance relationships.
And she wants to interview me because (and I quote): “as you are quite the expert, gaining your insight would be fantastic”.
Quite the expert? Me? The only long distance relationships I have (if you discount my parents who live in Sheffield while I live in Leamington) are with you guys.
And although I love some of you dearly (most of you cheaply) I’m not sure that I can say we’ve ever dated. Let alone spooned or exchanged bodily unctions.
I know some of you have fantasized about it. I know some of you have begged (please keep those emails a-coming – they give me a good laugh when I’m down).
But I think I’d know if, you know, you and I had got serious.
Now, I’m not saying I don’t care about you guys. I’m not using and abusing. I’m not going to kick you into touch once the shine has worn off. We’re going steady. But you do know it’s purely platonic, right?
I’ve got a wife and family and a major phone tapping scandal to think about here.
So, what I’d like to know is: which one of you has been telling porkies? Which one of you has been telling lies? And are there going to be any faked photographs in the tabloids?
This is a polite request to withdraw your allegations.
Because they’re really not going to help BSkyB’s plans for world domination one single iota.
Just think about it and do the right thing, kay?
P.S. Car park as usual tonight. I’ll flash my headlamps twice. ;-)