Friday, June 13, 2014

Paying For Sex

It’s not an easy thing to admit to.

Most people, I believe, think about doing it at some point in their lives though most, of course, will never admit to it. Of those, only a fraction will have the immoral fortitude and sufficient appetite to see it through. To realize the desire.

It’s the stigma, you see?

And possibly the cost.

Or maybe just the psychological damage.

But I figured I was strong enough. That my previous good character could not only take it but also immure me against whatever brickbats and public crucifixion might follow. I’ve never been afraid of censure.

Not where cheap laughs are concerned anyway.

So. I finally did it.

I have self-published a new book – full of brand new, unseen before material – about having sex with various celebs and famous people and you can all download it from Amazon right now and read of these incredible psyche-shattering sexploits (is it worth copyrighting that word or have others beaten me to it?) and have your erotic world-view forever widened and enlarged. Possibly even engorged.

The blurb which I have also written clearly states:

"Ever wondered what it would be like to have sex with Nigella Lawson? To doubleteam both George R.R. Martin and J.R.R. Tolkien? To have your wicked way with Miley Cyrus, Bella Swan, George Lucas, Barack Obama, Darth Vader and Kurt Cobain? To maybe engage in a little post-coital badinage with Scooby-Doo, Simon Cowell and Well now's your chance to experience the gory intimate details without having to remove a single item of your own clothing, invest in a bottle of rophipnol or risk unwanted pregnancy, crabs or cooties.

"Simply purchase this handy Kindle guide and the virtual experience of sex with your favourite star will be all yours. Not to mention the experience of sex with people you'd possibly not want to touch with a disinfected barge pole (Adolf Hitler, Jimmy Saville and Jeremy Clarkson to name but a few) but feel free to skip over those.

"Purchase, lie back, read and let me hit your e-spot with the celebrity lover of your choice.

And if you are still not sold on the idea then how about this… Rather than paying for it, if you download my book within the next 5 days you can do so for absolutely nothing! That’s right; I am offering you sex with the stars for absolutely free! Zero pounds and zero pence. Utterly gratis.

You just have to leave a review.

Just a tiny review on Amazon.

And some stars. 5 would be great.

It’ll take 10 minutes of your time and possibly help make me a household name. Like Jif or Mr Muscle.

I mean, come on, guys, this is pretty much all I ever ask for. It’s not like I’m fleecing you for tonnes of cash of anything. 9 times out of 10 times on this blog I throw you a freaking freebie* and I ask for so little in return.

Just look into my big [Dan] brown hound-dog eyes and buy the bloody book will you?

Right. Done. This marketing shit is piss-easy.


*I don't do frisbees. Ever.


Marginalia said...

You're getting increasingly desperate.

Have you thought of giving away a copy of your book or two at £5 a trick?

You then might score on Amazon's register.

Steve said...

Barry: I don't get desperate, I just get pissed off.

And when you say "trick", do you mean that in the sense of prostitute slang for business?

AGuidingLife said...

rolled my eyes when I read post but actually this book is funny. Jeremy Paxman and Miley Cyrus both had me chuckle out loud. I would have liked more expansion on Jeremy Clarkson but mainly because I actually do want to have sex with him and I thought you might aid the fantasy.

Steve said...

K Ville: thank you hugely for your support. Sorry I couldn't be a better pimp...! ;-)

John Going Gently said...

Russell Crowe?
Don't tempt me

the fly in the web said...

Thunderstorms and grilled modems permitting I will attempt to download this wonder of creation...but I'm warning you if I expire from all the excitement generated then you will be shipped out here as chief teamaker, dog warder and supplier of chopped sugar cane to hungry bullocks...

Steve said...

John: bugger! Forgot dear ol' Russell. Maybe I could do an expanded edition. Oo-er.

The fly in the web: to be honest that sounds like a promotion. I'll pack my bags now.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I never knew you wrote books about sex. This is a whole new side of you that's emerging from behind the beard, or possibly from within it. I'm sure Nigella would be big disappointment, but that's not something you'll ever have to concede.

Rol said...

Looks like I returned from my Moving Exile just in time. Have downloaded it to my kindle... now I only need to find the time to read it.

Please bear in mind... I haven't read a book since Sam was born, 9 months ago. So this may take some time...

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: to be honest she wouldn't have to do much; she'd just be there for the ride.

Rol: don't worry; it's only a little 'un. Story of my life.

Trish said...

Oh my goodness - so this is your sex book. And I've just missed a free session. Damn.

Steve said...

Trish: yup. You could have got the sex for free but now you'll have to get in line and pay for it like Angus Deayton.