Wednesday, April 16, 2008

John Wayne Is Big Leggy

I’m wearing corduroys today and as a consequence I sound like I have a small, hungry puppy strapped into the gusset every time I walk.

Yip yip yip yip yip...

Add a bit of tinder and I could start a forest fire.

To make it worse we are having a quiet day at work so the slightest noise is amplified a hundred times. I can sense people’s heads turning each time I cross and uncross my legs.

To combat this unwanted attention I have begun walking with my legs slightly further apart than is natural. I look like a cowboy who’s lost his chaps. A troupe of circus dwarves could ride a monkey bike – in formation and carrying flaming brands – between my legs without even touching the sides.

My kneecaps are protesting and it’s very bad for my posture. Plus I’m going to be hauled over the coals for sexual harassment if I’m not careful.

Tomorrow I will be wearing jeans.

16 comments:

-eve- said...

LOL! I'm wondering where you'll ever be able to wear the corduroys, though...! ;-)

MOTHER OF MANY said...

I paint mostly with acrylics from big fat tubes and when squeezed they make the most disgusting SPLAT noises!The glorious sounds of my paints never cease to amuse the 16 year olds in my art class.The whole class fell about laughing during our art exam when my acrylics EXPLODED gloriously, breaking the silence after we had just been told to keep the noise down!

Steve said...

Eve, I'm considering joining a rodeo... I'm hoping the tactile nature of corduroy trousers will enhance my ability to stay in the saddle...

Ally, I thank God that my trousers don't make the same noise as your paints - cos then I would be in trouble!

Rol said...

You look like you just got out of prison, and the boys inside are missing you.

Steve said...

It ain't easy bein' someone's bitch...

Reluctant Blogger said...

Corduroys indeed - you'd fit in well here at the Uni. Do you have some lovely patterned pullovers to go with them in wonderfully clashing colours?

I really really hate it when my clothes make noises - that's why I hate wool, it sorts of squeaks somehow if two bits of it rub together.

Interesting that you chose "dwarves" rather than "dwarfs" - I know that both spellings are correct but I would have had you down as an f person not a v one! Do you pronounce it that way too? I pronounce it the f way.

Steve said...

Ha ha! No Gina, no nicely pattened pullovers - I don't really do patterns! Just nice Autumnal colours... they go well with my haggard complexion...

And I'm definitely a V not an F person... with the only exception being my name: StePHEn not SteVen. Never thought about the pronunication before - but I definitely say dwarVes. I'm sure there must be a web site somewhere that will tell me interesting but inaccurate facts about my personality from that slim bit of information...! ;-)

Flaming Nora said...

And don't they gather dust something awful?

The Sagittarian said...

Oh dear, I turn my back for one minute and you kids start on about little people!! I remember someone asking me if you say HaWaii or HaVaii. I said HaWaii, they said thank you and then I said "You're Velcome". I can be such a coV sometimes. LOL

Steve said...

Nora, mine gather dust while I'm wearing them. Sometime I think I ought to get out and do more...

Amanda, you've made my day... I haven't been called a kid in a long time... you're vonderful!

The Sagittarian said...

Ve do vat ve can! So, Vini veni vici...wini weni witchie?

Steve said...

John Vayne hasn't quite got the same ring to it though, has it? Unless it's said by Marlene Dietrich...

Inchy said...

I sometimes walk like that too, Steve. It usually means I've had a small accident.

Steve said...

Inchy, it's better to tell people that you've had a BIG accident...

Reluctant Blogger said...

haha you lot are so funny. This comment box is always such a lovely place to be - all warm and cosy and friendly. I feel much jollier now.

Perhaps you would favour "snow white and the sephen dwarves" eh? Or would that make it pronounced seeven?

Nice to hear Amanda sound so Svedish! Very sexy!

I haven't been called a kid for many years either.

Steve said...

Ha ha! The sephen dwarves looks too much like a typo - as if it was originally meant to say the Stephen Dwarves... hmm. Snow White and the Stephen Dwarves? Maybe that could be my big break into the world of showbusiness?

Have to say I'm proud of my blog's warm, cosiness. And also my own kid-ness. Everyone please accept a hug. (I'll remove my corduroys first though to avoid static build up.)

Just read that last sentence and decided it could be misconstrued.

Result!