Monday, June 30, 2008

Faith In Human Nature

A few months ago I reported on a monumental act of misfeasance.

Back in February somebody stole our green recycling bin that had been newly delivered to our house by the local authority. I had to go to the police (as directed by said local authority) and fill out various reports before we could be allocated a brand new one.

All this on top of some petty thief’s criminal attempts to foil my magnificent recycling plans was too much to bear. I suffered apoplexy, hysteria and gout and was hospitalized for several months. I suffered hallucinations and wrote them down as blog entries. I was not a well bunny.

Imagine the horror then of returning home at the end of last week to find that our general refuse bin (black this time) had also been snatched.

It was gone. Just gone. Left out for the refuse team who were due to empty it that day and then stolen in the prime of its life.

In the space of a second I was on the edge of full mental collapse.

One bin goes missing and you feel – despite the annoyance – OK, just kids messing about, some drunken a-hole having a laugh as he wends his way home. But two... suddenly it feels like a vendetta. Siege mentality sets in. The hatches are battened and the big guns wheeled out.

Xenophobia and misanthropy leap to the fore. Who was it? Who was it? Is this the start of a hate campaign? Are they going to steal our car trailer next? It was our Polish neighbours, I’m sure of it. It has to be! They speak with a funny accent and own three cars... it has to be them! Or it’s the chavs up the road. Of course! All that bling... it’s a telltale sign. They’ve got our bin hidden in the boot of their bright blue BMW...

By nightfall I had drafted a scathing blog, written letters to the editor of the local rag and dictated a letter to the chief exec of the council. I even considered writing to Boris Johnson but managed to reel the wavering line of my sanity back in before I crossed that point of no return.

Imagine my surprise then when, next morning, our black bin was mysteriously back on our doorstep. They’ve all got addresses on you see and some kind soul, finding it perhaps abandoned and enfeebled by the roadside had taken the trouble to return it to the family who loved it most dearly.

Oh joy.

What can I say? I felt a mite foolish. All that ranting and raving. All that class war mongering. All for nothing.

My faith in human nature has been totally restored. There are good people out there.

So God bless you, every single one of you. I shall think of you all every time I stuff a full refuse sack into my newly returned black bin.

I shall keep this country clean for you.

There is a corner of a foreign landfill that will be forever England.

22 comments:

lucyfishwife said...

OK, now that's all out in the open, I feel I can confess that I was the one who burgled your house.

Inchy said...

If you're on the verge of a breakdown over a missing bin, then how are you going to cope when a schoolbus full of children is teetering over the edge of a cliff?

I think we may have been a trifle hasty activating your hero status.

Steve said...

Lucyfishwife, I can cope with the fact you swiped my DVD player and TV but the fact you rifled my underwear drawer just leaves me feeling very dirty...

Inchy, don't I just give the bus a shove over the edge? Or have I misunderstood the mission objectives?

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Homing bins - a use for those microchips at last! I hope in Dr Who fashion they also gobble up whatever a-hole has stolen them.

You might find a mangled a-hole inside. Better make sure he's in the right bin for disposal! You wouldn't want a fine now, would you?

Steve said...

You had me panicking there Laura, but according to the council gumf I'm allowed to put rotting meat into the black bin for disposal. Phew. All sorted!

The Sagittarian said...

I just love a happy ending, don't you?

Steve said...

Me too, Amanda, especially stories where the hero gets the bin / girl (please delete as applicable)...

Reluctant Blogger said...

haha I'm glad I'm not the only one with bin issues.

The other week someone started putting their rubbish in my bin. Well, I had a moment like you and started staring suspiciously at everyone who passed my house, wondering if they could be the ones. So I fitted a padlock to my bin. How sad is that? Then when Al came round the other week he said "I hope you didn't mind me stuffing some rubbish in the bin when I came round, mine was overflowing." Ooops!

They are stressful things wheelie bins. Mine sometimes does a little houseswap too and I get next door's one for a week - he's a much less smelly bin than mine.

Perhaps yours did try to run away from home eh? Perhaps you just aren't treating him right?

Steve said...

Gina, nobody could lavish more love and high class trash onto a bin as we lavish onto ours... but if he wants to try for a new life in the big city... well, I guess sometimes you just have to *sniff* let them go...

Tristan said...

Now all we need is for a local vigilante to bring back your sanity - I mean - Steve - Kirsty Allsopp?! I'm shocked...

kate5kiwis said...

lol at RB's padlock.

but hey, i love it when peeps prove themselves.
*dredges Human Kindness Story out of back of brain*
S10 dropped his fave billabong surfy cap on the beach when we were camping last year. some lovely person popped it up on a fence post and NO ONE stole it!!!
we got it the next day.
but it DOES have his name on it.
and then of course the hat could have cooties lol.

evah so excited about The Return Of The Black Bin.

MOTHER OF MANY said...

It is that time of year for holidays, perhaps Wheelie just fancied a little break!

Steve said...

You can't be that shocked surely, Tris! I mean, how long have you known me...?!

Thanks Kate, it's always nice to write a life affirming post occasionally in amongst my usual roiling magma chamber of burning hatred and cynicism!

This could very well be the case, Ally, though you'd think the cheapskate would at least have sent us a postcard!

TimeWarden said...

Perhaps you should get hold of a copy of "Trash Can Murders", by The Runaways, to listen to on your MP3 player, Steve! Seriously, such a recording exists!!

Steve said...

I don't doubt you for a moment, TimeWarden, I'm just worried it might give me ideas if another bin goes walkabout...!

Daisy said...

one of my trips to ireland they stole my friends bin...however it was used in a bonfire...i have never seen that happen over here...and it does quite surprise me that someone would go to the trouble of stealing a bin...they are dirty, smelly...loud to move...and what exactly would you tell your significant other if you were lifted for the offense...honey, could you pick me up at the station as i was lifted for stealing a bin?

Annie said...

Oh Steve, you should get out more! Here's a joke...

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart. He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. He has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro," says the chap.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed. Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the bin man smiles and says, "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet. I told you." says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... Where's your Wheelie Bin?"

"OK-OK," says the man, "I wheelie bin having w**k."

Steve said...

My thoughts exactly Daisy! It's not exactly the crime of the century but I was mystified when the first bin went missing and proved to be genuinely stolen - everybody in the town has been issued with a free one; why bother to steal one?!

LOL, Annie... though I'm surprised at you! Not sure why but I always thought you were rather pure and wholesome! Nice to know you have exceeded my expectations! ;-)

-eve- said...

*Chuckling*

Wowww.... heheheh.... good post ;-)

On the other hand, what a terrible place, where you have to be accountable for your own bin! It must be a beautiful bin indeed, to be so coveted by others ;-)

Steve said...

Eve, it's a bold, black little number with plenty of "junk in the trunk"... some guys really go for that!

lucyfishwife said...

That suitcase of used fivers had better be behind the prefab where I told you to put it, or the world will know what I found in your underwear drawer.

Steve said...

It'll be there Lucyfishwife... just... please don't hurt her...