Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Still Think I’m A Sex God?

Now I’m well aware of the high esteem in which most of you hold me. Well aware that sexually most of you have placed me on a pedestal so high I can look down and see where the Grecian 2000 has slightly dried out Brad Pitt’s scalp. And I’m flattered. I really am. It’s nice to be appreciated. Nice to be lauded. Nice to have to beat off all you devoted fans with a shitty stick each time I leave the house to go to work or carry out a simple errand.

But part of my charm is honesty. Hence I feel that I cannot lie to you any longer.

You see, I too have imperfections. Blemishes. Physical flaws that, whilst they don’t altogether mar my sex god-hood, they do at least render me as mortal as the rest of you ungodly people.

Take for instance my thumbs. They are as opposable as any minor deity could wish. Long and slender. I’m able to grip all manner of objects and implements (steady ladies). But the very tips of them are defaced with cuts and nicks. This condition seems to worsen when the weather turns colder. It’s like the skin splits and before I know it I have a tiny but deep cut that thrusts itself well under my nail. It hurts like hell and getting my hands wet (steady again ladies) only makes it worse. These cuts take an age to heal and the slightest pressure opens them up again. Whilst infected with these unwanted incisions I have to wear marigolds to do the washing up.

Yes, ladies, gentlemen. I do the washing up. Every day. Please try and swoon yourselves onto some soft furnishings.

And then there is... and it pains me to say this... my ugly toenail.

Just as Achilles had his weak ankles I have my beauty slightly lessened by a deformed toenail. It has got steadily worse over the last year. Discoloured. Rucked up. Folded under almost upon itself. Occasionally it seems to bleed. Regularly it plagues my walking hours with a quiet heat that by the end of the day has built up into noticeable pain. My doctor, you will recall, has already sent off a sample to the lab to be tested for fungal infection (after she had swooned into her NHS soft furnishings at the sight of my naked and lithely posable foot).The results, naturally, were negative. I mean, as if my body could produce something as commonly unwholesome as fungus!

How I laughed.

But the toenail is – and I know you will all gasp as one when I say this (and not for the first time, eh ladies?) – unsightly.

So there you have it. Even someone as perfect as myself has body issues. Little segments of me that I feel are less than perfect. That don’t quite match up with the quality and excellence of the rest of me.

I hope that in bearing my beauteous soul here today I have given some of you ordinary folk comfort. The sense that, for all you may be craning your necks to look up at me, I in turn am able to bend down and give you an understanding smile.

Because I do understand. Truly I do.

*Sigh* What burdens you all bear.

Er. We. What burdens we all bear.

Ahem.


27 comments:

MOTHER OF MANY said...

I cannot understand how anybody would want to be a chiropodist!

The Dotterel said...

"You should see my left shoulder blade... it is available for viewing Tuesdays and Thursday on presentation of visiting cards."

Ah, you can't beat a bit of G&S!

Heather said...

well as long as you keep your socks and marrigolds on we can get it on...oh wait a minute...that's a different kind of blog all together, isn't it? Ahem.

Steve said...

Ally: but you get to caress my feet...!

The Dotterel: you lost me with G&S. Probably being very uncool here. I Googled it but all I could find was Gilbert & Sullivan or Goldman Sachs...! Whoa. Wait a minute. It is Gilbert & Sullivan. Well I never.

Heather: I'm sure I'll have your plates squeaky clean in no time (and without having to resort to Cillit Bang)!

French Fancy said...

Well I confessthat for the first time I avoided one of your paragraphs - the one about your toenail.

As for a minor imperfections - I seem to get chapped hands quite often and I can't even blame the washing up (as I put it into the machine which is very lazy as there is only me here these days most of the time). I use L'Occitaine's Shea Butter hand cream but they are still chapped.

Anyway Steve - your finger and toe blemish apart - you are one lovely man

Steve said...

FF: see, I knew at least one person would be enlightened enough to take this post seriously. ;-)

Owen said...

I've always stood by the expression : It's hard to be humble when I'm perfect in every way...

ha ha... (not)

In Belgium there is a museum of medieval torture instruments. I believe the remedy for what is ailing you can be found there...

:-)

Joe Bloggs said...

Zat dohnail, Steef; foot kantigh zai? Shoe'll bee kneandink a Scandinavïffyian sauna wit alldee vhippinks, jah?

Steve said...

Owen: torture or pleasure...? It all depends how you use them...

Joe Bloggs: jah. Zat zounds gut.

The Sagittarian said...

Loved this post, Steve, hilarious - even if I'm sure you're right! My mum gets chapped fingers and the doc told her to use heel balm on them, works a treat!

Steve said...

Amanda: I might have to get me some heel balm. If it works a big thank you will be wending its way to you and your mum!

Clippy Mat said...

when I think of you with that toenail, chapped hands and marigolds, the word "STUD" springs to mind.

but seriously.
i used to get chapped finger ends like that and they were so painful. i got an ointment which was clear and i painted it on the end of the fingers. it worked like a charm. alas i can't remember the name now and it'd probably be called by another name in the UK as well.
so really, me telling you this was a bit pointless but it gave me something to do while I waited for the kettle to boil.
good luck with that then.
;-)

Clippy Mat said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xC_iKN7CXBI
this nice doctor wants to help you out.
the things i do for you.
;-)

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: are you hearing yourself correctly? Are you sure it's not DUD? ;-)
But seriosuly thanks for the link. My fingers appreciate all your efforts on their behalf!

TheUndertaker said...

Well Steve, you greek god (or geek god, one of the two) it is possible that this was a tad too much information for our tender ears and eyes. We need you firmly back up on that pedestal, pronto. Perhaps since you are so good at loosing things, you could perhaps loose that mention of the toenail? No?

Steve said...

TheUndertaker: sadly I think it will take some kind of industrial cutting tool to part me from the fiendish toenail... until such time occurs I shall keep it under wraps so you can all keep your dreams of my ultimate perfection alive...! ;-)

lunarossa said...

Just 3 words: moisturiser, moisturiser and moisturiser, and maybe a dishwasher as well? For the toes instead, yuk, I don't even want to think about it! Ciao. A.

Gina said...

I'm not squeamish about many things but manky toenails is definitely one of them. I feel quite ill.

Feet are pretty dire after about age 5 whatever state they are in, but well, I feel a little ill.

Heel balm eh? I might give that a try as my hands are really dry this winter.

Steve said...

Lunarossa: I moisturize daily and it merely keep things at a bearable level rather than curing it. Hopefully when the warmer weather comes in it'll clear up. Can't do much about my toe though... except possibly amputation...?

Gina: but I was going to publish some close-up photos for my next post...! Damn. I shall have to think of something else now. Maybe a full-colour, macro-close-up exposé of my feet isn't such a good idea after all? ;-)

The Crow said...

Is this your cover letter for your novel?

I'd drop the part about the toenail, but otherwise it seems okay to send.

Good luck!

:D

Steve said...

The Crow: do you think it's worth sending them a polaroid or three? ;-)

Selina Kingston said...

Oh apologies! I thought I had visited the blog of Steve,the sex god. There's clearly been some mistake as he is perfect in every way and would no way have a deformed toenail (excuse me while I heave....again!).
I'm out of here, you freak !

Steve said...

Selina: damn! Sussed out again!

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I have horribly blistered lips every winter and have tried everything to prevent them but nothing works. Luckily I manage to hide how bad they are with a bit of lippy most of the time.

In fact my short-sighted lover is often telling me how kissable my lips are, bless his cotton socks.

I think that is the answer with such issues - a nice short-sighted worshipper!

Steve said...

Laura: beauty is most definitely in the sight of the beholder when the beholder is astigmatic...!

femminismo said...

As if, indeed, your body could brew anything as unpleasant as a fungus! Oh, dear man, you are humorous. Enjoyed reading this quite a bit. Good show!

Steve said...

Femminismo: thank you, dahling, glad to be orf service don'tcha know!