Better Than Marje Proops

Misssy M highlighted a delightful jape on her blog this week; seems some smartarse prankster wrote a letter to The Guardian’s resident agony aunt, Mariella Frostrup, that was basically the plotline to the film Little Children. Most amusing of all the cigarette-butt gargling Mariella didn’t pick up on it and replied in earnest.

Of course, being a caring sharing kind of blogging community ever waiting in the wings to pounce on someone’s gullibility to increase our own internet profile the idea was muted that as many blogger’s as possible write in to Mariella in a similar vein – choosing our own favourite films as source material – and thus stretching Mariella’s sandpaper voiced advice to the absolute limit.

Sounds far too cruel a prank to pass up. So here are a couple of humble offerings from me:

Dear Mariella,

I was raised by my aunt and uncle on a farm and never knew my father. They always told me he was dead and didn’t want to talk about him. Since their death a while ago I have been struggling to make my own way in the world. I thought I was doing OK but then the fates conspired to bring me into contact with a man who claimed to be my father! There are various proofs which seem to validate his claim. My life is now in turmoil as he has revealed I also have a twin sister. I have met her a couple of times now and if not for the family connection I’d think she was pretty hot. My dilemma is this: my father seems to be involved with a very bad organization indeed and I know they are doing a lot of bad things to a lot of people. He keeps asking me to join him and take over the company. He is very forceful in his argument. It is all I can do to resist him. We have fought about it a few times now and I have been lucky to escape relatively in one piece. He is now very angry with me and says if I won’t join his firm he will force my twin sister to do so in my stead. What should I do? I love him and want him to walk away from this organization but he just says it is too late for him. How can I save him and save my sister?

Yours in desperate need of help,
L. Skywalker.




Dear Mariella,

I’ve lived a very sheltered life and have long looked up to my very old uncle and his friend, G. They have been mainstays in my life for a long time. Last week my uncle announced he was leaving and with barely a goodbye he just disappeared from the community. I was very upset by this. He is very old and I worry I won’t ever see him again. As a parting present he left me a family heirloom – an old ring. It means a lot to me because I know how precious it was to my uncle. It is now, for obvious reasons, very precious to me. However, my uncle’s friend, G, who is a very clever fellow and knows lots of amazing things – he’s quite a wizard sort of guy – says he has discovered the ring really belongs to someone else, someone who is not very nice, and it’s rather dangerous me having it. He has suggested I take it a long way away and get rid of it. He doesn’t usually lie or make-up stories so I believe him. But the ring is very beautiful and makes me feel special. When I wear it I feel like I could do anything at all. It is also my last link with my dear old uncle and I don’t want to ever be without it. But I don’t want to upset G either (though sometimes I think he just wants the ring for himself). What should I do? Should I keep the ring or should I do as G suggests and get rid of it? He’s a very wise man and says the ring will bring me and my friends nothing but bad juju if I don’t get rid of it.

Please help.
F. Baggins.

P.S. I suffer quite badly with verrucas – can you suggest any industrial strength creams?


Hope you enjoyed them. Do feel free to join in and think up a few of your own. Remember: Mariella is here to help.