Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Guest Blog Post: Lord Sugar Speaks

Lord SugarFirst off, right, I’m sick of all this mouthiness that is infecting my blogging boardroom at present. If I wanted that kind of earache I’d spend more time at home wiv my missus and my kids. It’s like a bloody East End market at present wiv everyone giving it the ol’ rabbit and making out that their stall is better than everybody else’s when nobody, from what I can see, is flogging anyfin worthwhile.

Well, I don’t need that kind of aggro, right? You lot need to get wiv the programme and start working as a team. Together. Cos I don’t care who done what to whom or who said what to whoever. Bovvered I ain’t, you got that? I got bigger fish to fry. If I spent as much time as you lot did arguing the toss abaht who bullied who or who slagged off which slag I’d never have enough time to keep me beard in the tip top trimmed condition that you lot see it in every bleeding Wednesday night on your tellys.

It ain’t how I do business, you capiche? You gotta prioritize. That’s the first lesson I learned when I was hawking me barrow around Chigwell market when I were a young nipper no bigger’n knee high to a grasshopper gor blimey gov. You puts your stuff in your shop-winda and you sells it. You saves the argy-bargy for private when you’re at home or dahn the boozer when you can glass the odd chav wivout the rozzers jumping onto you the minute the claret hits the pavement. Take a tip from me, have a good getaway driver lined up wiv a towel and bowl of soapy water cos you’re gonna need it. DNA has tripped up even the best of businessmen these days. CSI Bloggosphere is the next big fing I’m telling yer.

So what else can you do abaht it?

Well, if you wants to keep your ‘ands clean, you comes to me to sort it aht in my capacity as a peacekeeping troubleshooting mediator. And that’s what’s happened here, see. This bloke, Steve What’s-is-face has come to me cap in hand like a good little Jewish boy even though he’s bleeding C of E, moaning about all the back biting and the conflicts that are currently doing the round in the blogging world. He’s harping on about the bloody Clone Wars or somefing, I don’t know, all I know is he’s given me a nice little back hander and said he’ll endorse me latest Amstrad gadget the iSugar (a nice little app to sack lightweights from the comfort of your raspberry or whatever they’re bleedin’ well called). Anyway, this Steve fella knows how fings works, see? You get your back scratched and then you get your fingernails dirty wiv someone else’s skin. It’s how it bleedin’ works, right?

But what-bleedin-ever. The point is I’ve ‘ad me stalwart assistants, Nick ‘Hewn From Rock’ Hewer and Karren ‘The Brady Bunch’ Brady, keepin’ a close eye on the activities of the two blogging teams out there – the pink mumsy bloggers and the bluesy everybody elses and I ain’t liking what I’m seein’. There’s a lot of posturin’ and a lot of scratchin’ and bitin’. But what profits are you lot showing? There’s a lot of hot air but no-one’s balloon is being floated up to the highest height if you get my meaning. It’s like everyone’s intent on knifing Caesar but nobody knows who Caesar bleedin’ well is.

Well, take it from me, I’m the only Caesar around ‘ere and no-one is sticking a Stanley knife between my unwaxed shoulder blades anytime soon.

So put up, shut up and get on wiv your business. Now bugger off back to the house.

Right. That’s that sorted then. Karren, get me a mug o’tea darlin’, one sugar please. Geddit? Did you see what I did there, Karren, luv? No? Well, you’re bleedin’ well fired then. Get aht!



Share

38 comments:

Fran said...

Calm dahn, calm dahn. Very good Cockney representation, Steve. Were you one in a former life? Are you one?

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Oh just marvelous. A blogging literacy prize must surely be yours Sur Ralen.

What do you mean you're a Lord now?

Steve said...

Fran: I'm a cockernee wannabee.

Very Bored in Catalunya: s'right. Lord Sugar nah. On yer knees, pleb. As for the prize, yeah, I'll accept a nobel. I mean, I'm a big nob already, ain't I?

Heather said...

oh aye, old Alen, sorry, Lord Sugar (why the bleeding hell is he a Lord anyway?) would sort them all out. Loved the accent, well done that chap.

Rol said...

Louise had to explain to me who Alan Sugar was. Sorry, your lordship.

Steve said...

Heather: you're hired.

Rol: it won't be a surprise to you, sunshine, but you're fired.

the fly in the web said...

I know who Caesar is...

Steve said...

the fly in the web: let me guess, it was the propensity for fits that gave it away?

rummuser said...

I hope that you will be able to persuade the good Lord to do more guest posts. Will at least bring the temperatures down.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Blimey, he's one lump short of a bowl of the old chinah!

I think you should be Lord Aspartame (the Sugar replacement)

Lx

Steve said...

Rummuser: the "good Lord"? Oh Lordy! Let's not give Mr Sugar delusions of grandeur!

Laura: to quote Austin Powers: "the diet coke of evil... not quit evil enough!" You should know me by now; it's full fat or nothing! ;-)

London City Mum said...

You missed one quote:

"I don't like liars, I don't like cheats. I don't like bullshitters. I don't like schmoozers. I don't like arse-lickers."

Fabulous post M'Lord.

LCM x

Steve said...

LCM: no wonder he fires so many bloody people! ;-)

Mark said...

Geddit? Not quite if I'm honest but I did try.

Steve said...

Mark: I wouldn't worry. You're not missing much.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Someone should have taught this tyke the Queen's English before giving him a peerage. Your faith in his impartiality in touching. In any confrontation between the bespectacled writer and the surly chavess, he will be firmly on the side of the chavess.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: I've never known Lord Sugar be swayed by a tit-job and botox but maybe you're right.

I'll book myself into a clinic tomorrow.

Kelloggsville said...

blimey there's a chav deep in your soul m'luve. Was this a bit of self analysis coming out - the chav calling the chavess an' al' that.

PS this could be your second trip from the lawyers - impersonating!

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: if I ever found a chav deep inside me I think we'd both need counselling. ;-)

Being Me said...

From the other side of the pond, this is all frightfully confusing. Though I think I catch the Lord's drift.

Owen said...

Jeez Steve, did you forget to take your prescription today ???

Steve said...

Being Me: you'll go far. ;-)

Owen: only because the stocks of lethal injection have run out.

TheUndertaker said...

EH, say what? You lost me, luvvie

Steve said...

TheUndertaker: you need to 'ave a butcher's hook at a London Lingo guide book!

libby said...

Where oh where do you get the energy for such stuff?? s'very entertaining...

Steve said...

Libby: angst, frustration and an over-active imagination. And chocolate.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

Fab post, Lord Sugar. You got my back now too, dontcha?

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: like a hawk. You're covered from all angles. Guaranteed.

joebloggs said...

'Dear Lord' sugar, I am glad I have this chance to comunicate with you via the wonders of this my Amstrad textaphone, I would like to ask for my £59.99 back as I have had the blummin' thing for 15 years and this is the only time it has worked.. Heres hoping for a swift resolution to the situation. Thank you.

Steve said...

Dear Joe: it's workin' now ain't it? So what's yer problem? On yer bike, son!

TimeWarden said...

"The Apprentice" just ain't me bag. Just let my rifle through me fashionable bag to see what is me bag!

Steve said...

TimeWarden: there a lot of empty bags on this series of The Apprentice I can tell you that!

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

Ah my favourite programme, favourite Lord (closely followed by Andrew LW on his wizard throne?)and one of my favourite bloggers - bladdy marvlus!

Steve said...

Trish: you're too kind. You're hired.

LöstJimmy said...

Ma' Lord can I have your Bentley when you are done with it?
*tips flat cap in your direction*

Steve said...

LöstJimmy: only after you've finished cleaning the windas and got my bags. Park it around the back please.

Modern Military Mother said...

Lord Sugar - please bring back Steve. I prefer his blogs to yours. Even though this cockernese that you is speaking is funny - really you are a knob and for that reason I am out. OMG I just turned into a dragon. I don't know what came over me!!

Steve said...

MMM: you're out? I don't need your bleedin' money, I's got plenty of me own, ta very much, ow's ya fava.