Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Here’s That Recipe For Hot Buns That I Was Telling You About...

The bounteous Nigella LawsonIt’s been a while since I’ve been tagged (police cut-backs, etc) but suddenly out of the blue, the US of A’s most superlative blogger, EmmaK, selected me from out of the many adoring dogs palpitating at her feet and hit me with a very large lipstick coated meme. Not content with co-writing the book that is currently taking Australia by storm – Cocktails At Naptime – Emma challenged me to list the top ten ingredients that would go together to comprise my ultimate Mrs Right. Or even my Mr Right if I ever fell out of love with breasts and instead found my libido ignited by a well-oiled six-pack and a Graham Norton boxed set.

Obviously, being married, I need to tread very carefully here. I’ve already forewarned my wife of the nature of this meme and she laughed that laugh that women laugh so well: outwardly lighthearted but with a hard nugget of explosive steel at the centre and ‘joked’: “so this is where you come home tonight and ask for a divorce when you’ve listed your top ten ingredients and realized that I don’t possess any of them... ha ha ha!” Which I heard as “if there is one ingredient on that list that isn’t already within my genetic make-up then you’ll be sleeping in the shed until Christmas.”

So without further ado (about nothing) here is my top ten ingredients that would, if Dr Frankenstein were alive today (or indeed, ever alive), enable him to create my dream femme fatale. Keeley Hawes, Alice Roberts, Katie McGrath, Lucy Griffiths, Nigella Lawson and Uma Thurman please take note: my wife already has all of these in spades. (Happy now, dear?)

1) Must find astigmatism sexy. I’ve worn glasses since I was 5 and will do so until the day I die (unless of course my death is caused by me not wearing them). Oh I’ve dallied with the idea of contact lenses but something in me is highly resistant to the idea. I’m a spectacle wearer and proud of it. It’s part of my identity. If the thought of gently caressing my spectacles with your tongue is a turn off then you and me is just not meant to be together, baby, innit?

2) Must be brunette. I know, I know, there are millions of gorgeous blondes and red heads out there and every now and then one of these breeds will turn my head and indeed I have been out with blondes and gingers in my time but it is the fabulous brunette who truly floats my boat. The darker the brunetteness the better. Eye colour is unimportant. Breast size is unimportant. Dress size is unimportant. It’s all in the hair. Must be black or dark brown and of a length that I can run my hand through. As a teen I dreamed of Goth / Emo girls but never did manage to go out with one (I simply wasn’t suicidal enough)... maybe I am just working through a vestige of that time?

3) Must not only give me space and time to write but also must make time to read what I have written and critique it sensitively. I admit this is a big ask and is liable to be the only serious component on this list. Writing has been my bag since I was 7 or 8. I have to write. I have to. My wife will back me up on this, I am sure, but I become a foul tempered swine if I am unable to write for any length of time.

4) Chocolate. I love chocolate. This love must be reciprocated in my perfect partner. But not too much. Not to the point where they have the last slice of chocolate cake. That must default to me. I know they say that love knows no selfishness but poppycock to that. This is chocolate we’re talking about.

5) Sex. Let’s not beat about the bush here (oo-er), physical compatibility is a must. Appetites must be matched. To have it otherwise leads to stress and trouble and heartbreak and a visit to Miss Sasa’s massage parlour and then a painful stagger to the STD clinic where your giggle-stick is scoured with a red hot poker. It just ain’t worth it. Make the right choice and you get to eat a McLove burger every night – mess it up and it’s a clap pizza to go. Don’t get me wrong, personality and spiritual compatibility are just as important but don’t underestimate or downgrade the important of the horizontal folk dance out of mere embarrassment or an erroneous sense of decency. We all need the right person to be indecent with.

6) Healthy gene pool. Yes, this one took me by surprise too. I’m not for one minute trying to give off the vibe that I am a neo-Nazi looking to breed the next master race but when it came time to settle down and I was thinking about having kids I cannot deny that people with leprosy, congenital disorders and genetic diseases suddenly became less attractive. I found myself seeking a field with good healthy soil in which I could drive my plough. Strong legs and child bearing hips also had a bearing but I can’t work them into the field analogy.

7) A good sense of humour. Or for those of you that use dating agencies: GSOH. Almost a cliché but it is the most common element that we all look for in a prospective partner (or even in an existing partner). In fact, I’m amazed that dour, miserable, humourless people are ever able to breed. I don’t mean that the perfect she should be able to deliver a 40 minute Frankie Boyle-esque routine full of rapier-like wit and gut puncturing satire but to be able to laugh uproariously at the same jokes is an absolute must. Or just to be able to recognize when I have told a joke and laugh at it regardless of how unfunny it is would be a help. Us men find even nervous giggles attractive.

8) The ability to not talk during films or TV programmes that I happen to be concentrating on. This is a real bugbear. If I’m watching something or listening to something I hate being interrupted or otherwise disturbed. The house is burning down? Throw a wet tea-towel onto it. The kids are falling out of the bedroom window? Throw a cushion onto the patio. These are not valid reasons to interrupt my viewing of Mock The Week.

9) Christ. 10? Why does it have to be 10? Why can’t it be 8, eh, Emma? I’m struggling here. OK. What other fine traits does my wife possess? Oh yes. Must appreciate / grant permission to whatever childish hobby I like to indulge. All males have a childish, slightly geeky hobby though we ourselves would never describe it as childish. Childish is a word used by the outside world, in particular the women who are not our partners. Be it comics, cigarette cards or, in my case, Lego, Mrs Right should be supportive and become appropriately interested in this hobby in order to maintain the relationship and ensure its continued stability. This interest may be faked. We men don’t really care as long as you leave us alone to play with our toys and don’t laugh in our faces about it.

10) Must not like Eamonn Holmes, Russell Brand, Cliff Richard, Sting, Timmy Mallet, the Conservative party, meatloaf, Meatloaf, rhubarb, runny fried eggs, gristly meat, country music, soap operas, documentaries about prolapsed orifices, The National Lottery Live, The X Factor et al, televised sport, football (especially the World Cup), Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, Leonardo Di Craprio and anybody that dares to denigrate me.

I wasn’t going to tag anybody but then I thought sod being nice for a game of soldiers, I’ve put some considerable work into this why should you lot get off scot free? Hence, I hereby tag: Note From Lapland, Readily A Parent and Old Cheeser (let’s see if I can get you blogging again, OC)!

P.S. My wife has this evening pointed out that I have not adequately conveyed her utter saintliness and wishes me to make clear that she (mostly without complaint) puts up daily with my OCD about tidiness and health & safety. I wish to add at this juncture that any woman who finds herself affiliated to me can expect to live in a safe environment where she will never come to any harm and where everything will be tidied away for her. Sounds like a bloody good deal to me. Come and get me, girls!




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48 comments:

Kelloggsville said...

well I do hope your daily homely cooking is burger not pizza.

And being as you didn't tag me I'm gonna tell you that I like Sting, Meatloaf, rhubarb, runny fried eggs, The X Factor, I'm blond and I think you're a four eyed speccy ....

I'm guessing if I were the last women on earth you wouldn't!!


Ps sod the new Australia saint, I'm ringing up Pope B with a recommendation for your wife!

Steve said...

Kellogsville: but on the bright side it does mean we can have a wonderful platonic friendship unclouded by sexual tension. Unless you don't like chocolate.

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

Well I'm a chocolate-loving, spectacle-wearing brunette but I like X Factor and, as I'm not tagged either, I'm dying my hair Cheryl Cole red tomorrow. The fact that it was planned before I read this is beside the point.

Steve said...

Trish: I'm confused. Are you asking me out or not?

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

Nah - I couldn't cope if you over fried my eggs.

London City Mum said...

That's two tags Readily a Parent has now as I 'did' her as well. She'll have no excuse now...

And I love Mock the Week. So, will be at your place later this week to bunk up on the sofa and watch together, yes?
Tell you wife to put on a good spread, there's a love.

LCM x

Steve said...

Trish: there's nowt wrong with a good firmly fried egg, pet. Nothing that a dab of tomato ketchup wouldn't sort out anyway.

LCM: the right side of the sofa is mine. Along with the remote. And don't talk to me while we're watching.

Steve said...

Trish: there's nowt wrong with a good firmly fried egg, pet. Nothing that a dab of tomato ketchup wouldn't sort out anyway.

LCM: the right side of the sofa is mine. Along with the remote. And don't talk to me while we're watching.

rummuser said...

Steve, I do not have a wife and so will not be constrained to write what I want if I ever got asked to about the same. I however doubt that I will be able to do justice the way you have done to a difficult subject.
1. Glasses. I am praying that I get cataract soon so that I can finally discard the three different pairs of glasses that I have to constantly keep changing for distance, reading and computer work!
2. Brunette? I am Indian, so naturally, it would be different.
3.8. I don't watch TV but would like to left alone when I am reading or solving crossword puzzles or am at the computer.
10. Sounds very interesting. I would have added a few more Indian things.

Otherwise I would endorse the whole list.

Steve said...

Rummuser: pass friend and enter. Plainly you are a blogger of superlative taste and sensibilities!

Rol said...

Sadly, Louise falls down on a couple of those... which is bad news for you, good news for me, and bad news for me.

Heather said...

You and i would never work out Steve darling, now get your filthy hands off that last piece of chocolate cake you four eyed git or the lego gets it!

Steve said...

Rol: I'm guessing she has no love of comics and talks through Mock The Week.

Heather: you insult me, threaten my Lego and steal the last piece of cake?!? Harridan! That's it! You are forthwith dropped from my blogger's top ten pin up list. The only people on there now is me and Rol. And I'm not sure he likes Lego...

the fly in the web said...

Are you insulating the shed, yet?
The male idea of subtle can cause offence in the mildest of spouses...

Steve said...

The fly in the week: I've a feeling the roasting I'll get tonight will keep me warm and toasty for some months to come...

Keith said...

Clap Pizza !!! I've gone right off my dinner now !

Steve said...

Keith: go easy on the salami...

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I'm guessing by that list I would not be an ideal woman for you, in fact despite me loathing both Sting and Meatloaf AND rhubarb, I fall short on all of your other requirements.

I shall go and throw myself off the nearest building as I am now inconsolable and utterly heartbroken, failing that I will just talk my way through the xfactor instead.

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: please don't jump... talking through X Factor is to be applauded. Seriously; that's major redemption. You're in with a chance.

French Fancy... said...

Oh dear, I love rhubarb crumble (and just when I was getting ready to turn up on your doorstep)

Steve said...

FF: you have the rhubarb, I'll have the chocolate. Match made in Heaven. See you at 8.

Mrs Worthington said...

I have just come across your blog thanks to a retweet by vbin catalunya. Anyone who pays homage to the world of brunette, chocolate (has to be dark ), a dislike list similar to my own AND a love of lego has to be all right in my book. Put me down on your reserve list when your saintly wife calls time.

Steve said...

Mrs Worthington: you sound too goood to be true. However, with my wife's permission, you may take a seat on the reserve's bench. ;-)

Alienne said...

Well I am a brunette and I wear glasses myself and I hate pretty well everything on your list - except football. Clearly it was not meant to be, we'll just have to be good friends.

Steve said...

Alienne: I quite like Badminton if that helps?

The Sagittarian said...

Am blonde, and quite like Underwater Hockey...however, The Stud is visually challenged, had dark hair once, likes chocolate but won't touch it if he's drinking red wine (I have a plan...) and we like Thugby (aka Rugby). I guess I have been spoilt for any other bloke. Sorry.

Being Me said...

I have absolutely nothing witty to say. I loved this post.

*giggling nervously and can't stop* Clap pizza?! I applaud you (not that that's been your best work, but shit you're an entertaining read, Stevo! Sorry... I'm Ostrayan, I have to say Stevo sometimes)

femminismo said...

Funny, funny man! I would make time to read and critique while eating chocolate any time! I'm just checking in on your well being, since I heard there's a lot of belt tightening over there in Britain. Goodness, you are in Britain, aren't you? I haven't got my bloggers mixed up now, have I? We Americans are still burning up our money and building debt as fast as we can and refusing to pay a dollar more in taxes. (Even 10 cents is too much!!) - Jeanne

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

Dangit. Is my love for grisly meat and runny fried eggs really putting me out of the running? Tell your wife not to worry. She sounds like your perfect match and quite a saint to boot. You need to let her guest blog one of these days. Maybe she could do the same meme?

Steve said...

Amanda: I'm deeply saddened. I hope it won't prevent you from keeping a rabbit hutch open for me.

Being Me: it is a rare but pleasurable thing for me to be called Stevo. Thank you!

Femminismo: the belt here in the UK is being cinched tighter by the month... only now they're squeezing us so tightly we may have to sell the belt for scrap and make do with string (those that haven't already eaten their string).

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: now there's an idea... I may put it to her and see what she says!

Readily A Parent said...

I have got to hear from your wife. She is obviously a saint putting up with you.
Strangely, you and my husband sound dramatically alike. Which has me worried. What strange women is he talking to online? Hmmmm....
I like rhubarb. In fact, I once made rhubarb chocolate cake. Perhaps I could entice you to eat it in such a way?
I might fight you over the lego - but being less refined I'll settle for duplo. And the house can be as tidy as you want it - as long as you do the tidying.
Off to figure out a way to do this meme without upsetting anyone....

vegemitevix said...

OMG you had me at 'hello I'll tidy up'. Forever yours xx

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: what strange woman have I been talking to online? Gulp! Not sure rhubarb and chocolate make good bedfellows but feel free to give it a try. You stick to the Duplo, I'll stick to the Lego and never a cross words will pass between us. "Off to figure out a way to do this meme without upsetting anyone..." - I've already tried that; it's impossible. ;-)

Vegemitevix: now that's what I'm talkin' about! Give the tidying up king some sugar, honey!

EmmaK said...

I am with you all the way. Why oh why is Russell Brand a sex symbol? He shouts a lot and is very hairy and has slept with 7 thousand women. He is a cunt. End of.

I believe we could be very compatible due to my glasses fetish apart from I am about as sensitive as a ten pound hammer so wouldn't be able to critique your literature constructively and sensitively. I do have dark brown hair but have been dying it blonde for donkey's years. It sounds like your wife fulfills all your needs. Cherish her!!

Suburbia said...

I'd give anything for a self tidying man!!!

Love the title of this post! Must have doubled your ratings?!

Steve said...

Emma: I believe Russell Brand was put on this earth to give the word cunt more meaning. I always knew you were a glasses girl - nobody with that amount of style, taste and intelligence could be anything else. As for my wife, she is cherished more than she could ever know...!

Suburbia: sadly not but I'm sure I've had a few Nigella Lawson fans dropping by for a gander at the piccy...!

Old Cheeser said...

Oh dear, I'm a tad busy at the mo (the usual excuses) but will endeavour to compose a post early next week (it's Half Term!) And at least it will give me the justification for writing something....and a spur to pull me finger out!

I apologise for the delay, in the meantime here is some light Old Cheeser music...

Steve said...

OC: no rush, dear boy, I know how it is and I'm sure the post when it comes will be more than worth the wait. Besides, this OC light muzak is so damned cool...!

TheUndertaker said...

What I don't get is why you should get the last piece of chocolate..?
Sorry, I just don't get it... I'm confused, and I'm not even blonde (sorry Saggy). AND I do like football, so that's another one who bites the lego dust

Steve said...

TheUndertaker: because it's chocolate and... and... just because, OK?!

Clippy Mat said...

Best read of the day!
;-)

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: thank you kindly!

misssy m said...

Oh that thing about not being spoken to when I'm watching telly is spot on. My husband is the worst for that. it's amazing we even got past the first date. We went to see JFK (romantic eh?) on our first date and he spoke to me all the way through- just as well he was funny.

Steve said...

Misssy M: grr! I feel angry on your behalf! I absolutely must not be spoken to in the cinema when the film is on. I don't even like the Pearl & Dean adverts being interrupted! ;-)

missbehaving said...

Great list, we'd be great for viewing films and TV, I'm as silent as those damn lambs were, and you can have all the chocolate.
2 out of 10?

Steve said...

MissBehaving: yeah but the most important 2! ;-)

Modern Military Mother said...

Yes - I can see her now. I am not sure she exists - your wife will be relieved! I would just like to add that anchovy is the spawn of the devil.

Steve said...

Modern Military Mother: absolutely; that's why it's so damned salty.