Wednesday, October 06, 2010

My Washing Machine Is Waiting To Stab Me In The Back

I know it is.

It’s biding its time. Maliciously smirking behind its spin cycle.

Up until a few years ago me and the washing machine were loved-up. Like we’d taken a couple of E’s together and everythin’ were groovy, man, and turning her big programmable dial were like having me melon well twisted – call the cops!

But then I read a few stories in the national press and the good times came to an end. Washing machines going on the rampage. Washing machines rebelling within the dangerous confines of their electrical circuitry while their owners were out at work. People came home to find their smalls hadn’t been eco-washed at 30 degrees and spun dry. Instead their entire homes had been burnt down to the ground.

Electricity and water, you see. Not a good mix. Few kitchen appliances are as potentially dangerous as the unattended washing machine.

So the wife and I made a pact that never again would we leave the washing machine on timer, never again would we programme it to wash my leather lederhosen while we were all out at work, or visiting friends or even while we were all sound asleep in bed at night. ‘Cos you just never know when the damn thing might decide to kick off.

I mean, years of E taking can engender paranoid schizophrenia. Some scientist said so on the telly.

But every now and then I get caught out. The washing machine has got me well trained you see. All the time I thought I was in control it was really playing me for a fool.

I use the damn thing without thinking. On autopilot. Load the drum, pour in the powder, set the dial – so it’s all ready for when my wife comes home with the kids at 3.30pm; all she has to do is press the Wash button and then the washing is all done and ready to be hung up when I come home at 5.30 (yes, ladies, I actually do that. I am a domestic god).

But that auto pilot thing is hard to shake off when you’re half asleep in the morning. Load the drum, pour in the powder, set the dial and... before I’ve stopped myself I’ve pressed the Wash button.

And now it’s too late. We all have to leave for work / school / nursery and the machine is engaged. It’ll now plod and grind through 2 hours of watery-electrical wash cycle while we’re not on hand to hit it with a fire extinguisher should it lob a rogue spark into the soap suds drawer. Yes, of course, we could hit Stop. But then it’ll sit there, with its belly full of water, waiting to vomit the lot out over the kitchen floor the moment the front door is closed.

And it’ll all be my fault! I was the one who pressed the button!

But it wasn’t my fault! The machine made me do it! It’s got its hooks into me. It’s messing with my head. I think I’m in control but I’m not.

I have been brain Washed and my home is at risk as a consequence.

Please, please, please, I’m begging you. If any of you have an old wash board, some marigolds and a mangle for sale; I’ll buy the lot off you. Any price. Anything at all to safeguard my hearth and home.

Please. You’re my only hope.


33 comments:

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

I've heard all those scare stories too so only put mine on when I'm around to keep an eye on it. Wouldn't want my flammable scanties going up in smoke.

I feel your anxiety, Steve.

the fly in the web said...

Mine sets off little musical alarms when something upsets it....which is fine if you are hovering over it like a mother with her firstborn, not fine if you now regard it as adult and leave it to its own devices.

Thus I do other things and go downstairs to find it singing happily with a belly full of water which it wishes to dispose of.

Not adult behaviour at all.

Steve said...

Trish: flammable scanties? That's got to be a selling point for somebody somewhere surely?

The fly in the web: left on their own they are naughty and need to be put onto the naughty step. However, getting them down again without having a pair of socks go missing is impossible.

misssy m said...

Damned irresponsible if you ask me.

Kelloggsville said...

I think you are in the 'plane might crash' mode. Imagine how many washing machines are playing away all day without being watched over and how many actually burst into flames. NO that would be too bloody impressive, they watch and wait. Wait for your childs only school jumper to be in and they MUST have it tomorrow and then it stops. Then you wait 'all day appointments only my love' and 'I know it's 5:45, he isn't coming today' followed by 'the part takes 7 days to come'. FFS bursting into flames would be easy compared to the pain of getting a wiring loop changed because it just gave up the ghost. Trust me I've been there and I AM STILL BITTER : does it show!!!!

Nota Bene said...

Washing machine? washing machine? What does that look like?

The Dotterel said...

I think I know you're problem Steve... it's the lederhosen. Nothing to do with the washing machine, but still.

French Fancy... said...

Now that takes discipline - to load, set up but not quite start the thing. I'm not surprised you hit WASH - I would too.

Talking of hanging up washing - I am so missing our tumble dryer. I've been living with wet washing in the living room (our rental house is small) for the last week and it takes me back to days of yore. I don't want to splash out (sorry for the pun) on a new one - times are hard - when we have a perfectly good one in the French house. So I am toying with the idea of how to bring it over cheaply.

Don't let the machines win, Stevie boy.

Steve said...

Misssy M: me or the machine? or both? I'm confused.

Kelloggsville: bitter? Er. No. Not at all. *sidles quietly out of the room*

Nota Bene: it's a smallish white metal box with a door in the front. No, hold on. That's the oven. Or is it the fridge?

The Dotterel: do you think I made a mistake getting them in red leather?

FF: ah - wet washing in the living room! You can't beat it. Soon you'll have mould spores and asthma and then you'll really feel like you're back in Blighty!

LöstJimmy said...

I am reminded of Arthur Atkinson 'Where's me washboard?'

Steve said...

LöstJimmy: funnily enough I am often transported back to the glory days of music hall when I am scrubbing my wife's bloomers...

The Sagittarian said...

Grr, now I'm wondering if I did the same thing this morning or not....

The Sagittarian said...

I guess you will just have to stake your claim on a rock at the nearest river...

Vicky said...

Used to preset mine too, but stopped after a flooding incident LOL

Being Me said...

Jibbidibghhaaah, hold on a second.... you hang out the washing? I'm confused. I didn't... know... men could do...

I have to make a phone call. Excuse me.

Steve said...

Amanda: see, that'd how they get to you! Love your rock idea. Sadly we don't have many of those in Leamington... wonder if a recycling bin will do?

Vicky: there! Proof! They are evil!

Being Me: it took years of waterboarding before I buckled and agreed to do it. It's under duress.

TheUndertaker said...

Laundromat?
Laundry Service?
I'm 'borrowing' mine from Mr Rental, it can go back immediately at any sign of rebellion, so its running scared, and perfect...

Steve said...

TheUndertaker: I hate the thought of strange people rummaging through my smalls... it's bad enough having a stalker who does that. It was you, right?

Being Me said...

Waterboarding, 'eh? I haven't tried that. I would have thought bamboo skewers driven under the nailbeds would have done it but he's hard to crack. It's been 18 years, I shan't hold my breath....

Steve said...

Being Me: bamboo poles? Oooh, you're old school, girl. Remind me never to argue with you. ;-)

Clippy Mat said...

2 hours! ? seriously?
My washing machine cycle is 28 mins from start to finish. I don't understand washing machines in Blighty. Every time I visit I want to scream when I see how long they take.... and you can't stop 'em once they've started either! Why? Insanity! I have a washing machine that does everything from hot to cold washing and I pick the shortest cycle it's got. By the time the damned machines in the UK have finished the sun's gone in and it's pishing down. And what's with the trick door mechanism? The cycle is complete. BUT YOU CANNOT OPEN THE DOOR!! You have to wait another 10 mins. before it's SAFE!

My sister and I actually argue over the major differences in our respective country's machines when we visit each other's homes.

This topic is obviously close to my heart. (!)

I will go and get a life now.
;-)

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: 28 mins?! 28 mins?! Can you send me one of your miracle washing machines through the post please? That would solve all my problems in one fell swoop!

Clippy Mat said...

Steve THIS is what I'm talking about.
http://www.whirlpoolappliances.ca/en/ProductSubcategories/Washers.html
Unfortunately I cannot send you one.
But this is the next best thing.
No?
:-)

Steve said...

Whooo. I think I've just had my first white good's inspired orgasm.

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

Haaaa!! This was hilarious and absolutely true. I had a washer that absolutely EXPLODED on me once. In fact it was just a couple of years ago when my kids were even smaller and I was completely incensed by the whole situation. Because the whole front of it actually flew off and the machine turned sideways and crushed itself into our wall. (I think it must have been having a psychotic break, myself, from all those loads of stinky poop diapers, etc...) Meanwhile, I contacted the company and what did they offer me? $100 toward a new machine from the same brand. Um...no thanks. I prefer to live.

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: WTF?!?! Please tell me it wasn't an Ariston Margherita... please!

Anonymous said...

The thought of the electrics burning the house down worries me too but mostly because the previous owner of my house was a crazy man who did crazy things with the electrics!
I do however turn everything electrical off when I not using it and love to convince people it is because I am eco-friendly but the truth is that I am just plain mean!
I mostly do eco washes and they are so short that I do them when I am in the house so I can hang them up to dry as soon as they are done.
As I tell my children, I would rather waste my money on what I want to waste my money on than line the pockets of the Electric Companies boss.
Tell your wife I think she is very lucky to have someone helping with the housework, I am impressed
I thought you might like this link.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-11417677
Ally
motherofmany

TheUndertaker said...

Steve, a stalker never kiss and tell...much, anyway.
I was wondering where that skin cream was...?

Steve said...

Ally: I've even been known to wash the odd dish and water the odd house plant. Mind you, my wife does do most of the cooking and all of the gardening so the division of labour is pretty 50/50. Thanks for the link! And I thought jobsworths were only a UK based problem!

TheUndertaker: you'll need some rubber gloves too. Not because the cream is particularly abrasive but just because I like it that way. ;-)

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I was going to say that either you've done too many drugs or I haven't done enough. Washing machines catching fire has never enter my head.

But... then I saw that your washing machine is named after a cocktail, how cool is that! I wonder if they do a strawberry daiquiri?

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: sadly not which is a shame. They've missed a trick there: they could have had a Bloody Mary, a Sex On The Beach and an Orgasm. The spin cycle on the Orgasm would have to be long and amazing.

Heather said...

No good ever comes from reading the Daily Mail Steve, you should know this by now. although to be fair if you read it in the DM they would probably have told you that it gives you cancer as well.

Steve said...

Heather: so my weekly testicle checks have all been for nothing then?