See this badge? I’m DCI McBlake and I’m gonna be the mutha who’s gonna be ripping off your head and spitting down your neck for the next 3 weeks until this case is closed. Capiche?
Whazzat? This ain’t the 80’s no more, you say? Wise guy, huh? Just push your jacket sleeves up to your elbows and walk your cheap loafers over here. You might learn something.
See, that there? Know what that is? A toilet stall? You’re half right, bozo. It’s a crime scene is what that is. This is the crime that has got the boys in the lab clawing their eyes out through their Medisave goggles.
We’ve lost approximately 14 this last week alone. Bodies? Are you nuts? Does this look like a homicide investigation? I’m talking loo rolls, son. Bog paper. Hole roll. Shit ticket. Some scrote has been coming in here, breaking into the loo roll dispensers and walking out with bog standard (if you’ll excuse the pun) 2-ply toilet paper and leaving the other patrons wishing they’d worn a longer tie to work today.
This situation cannot be allowed to continue. It is our job to track down this Izal sniffing pervert and see that he is appropriately apprehended and his paper snaffling days put firmly behind him. If we don’t we’ll be looking at a skid mark epidemic the like of which the world has never seen. Before you know it there’ll be a shortage of haemorrhoid cream and Top Man boxer shorts and then where will we be?
Back to Y-fronts is where. Try and keep up with me, son. Geez, I thought you were on the fast track straight out of Hendon?
I want these stalls dusted for fingerprints. I want casts made of the shit prints. I want DNA samples taken from the various effluvia that you see deposited around the toilet bowl. And yes those pipettes are standard issue. Get to it, son. I don’t keep a dog and bark myself.
Now to catch our man we’re gonna have to be a bit clever. We’re gonna have to get inside his head and think like him. Why does he want all this toilet paper? Could he have a bad case of Delhi belly? Well, it’s possible given the proliferation of curry houses in the district but when you got liquid fire running out of your bomb bay doors the first thing you reach for is an ice pack, not cheap loo paper made from recycled packing crates. Could he be selling it on the black market? It’s possible. Check our database for any Andrex puppy owners who are known to be making loo paper adverts at this current time.
Has he got some kind of weird sexual loo paper fetish that makes him want to insulate his entire body the better to contain and preserve his pubescent secretions? You betcha bottom dollar, kid. No, no need to say it. I can see we’re singing from the same hymn sheet. I can see that disgust written large all over your face. Well, maybe, just maybe there’s something about you after all, son.
So we need to trap this dirtbag. We need to get him to reveal his identity so we can swoop down on him like the ungodly angels of vengeance that we undoubtedly are. It says so right here on my Met badge. Ungodly. Angel. Of. Justice. Whoops, sorry, kid, that’s my Blockbusters membership card. Never mind that. See this? Know what this is?
No, it ain’t marijuana. It’s itching powder. Itching powder, dumbass. You get sprinkling it all over those loo rolls and then stick ‘em back into that there loo roll holder.
Some poor fool is gonna have himself a crack attack so bad he’s gonna rip a 5ft hole into his own arsehole. And when that happens we’ll be right here ready to jump on in.
We’re gonna get covered in glory on this one and no mistake, son.
Why you looking at me like that? Just button your lip and get sprinkling.
Boy, I could sure use a chocolate donut round about now...