Not unless you discount the blood, sweat and tears of my life’s experiences, the sage and inscrutable advice I weekly throw your way and the frequent proposals for sexual healing that I am, from time to time, wont to make.
Aside from those I am not very forthcoming in the gratis department.
I don’t do bogof deals or coupons or clubcard points or voucher codes. I do, on occasion, succumb to bribery but, hey, who isn’t building up their CV for a potential career in politics?
Other than that, I have not offered you one iota of anything at all worthwhile for the joyous and soul enriching amount of £0.00.
Today that is about to change.
My poetry collection, Pitch Mandible Stone, is available on Kindle. It's not expensive. Given the superlative quality of the writing I’ve literally slit my wrists for the Kindle book buying public but does anybody appreciate it? Do they eff.
But that’s by the by. I have finally twigged that, actually, what would be more useful than the monthly pittance from the occasional sale of one of my books would be a tranche of 5 star reviews that would make it look like my book has actually been downloaded by somebody somewhere and is in demand. Even a 1 star review would be something (it would be a 1 star review).
But to leave a review one has to have bought the book. I can see that’s a big ask. Give me your money and your time and effort composing a love poem in honour of my product. It’s too much.
Although I must point out here that one of you – yes, one – did precisely that: buy one of my books and leave a review. I love this person. They know who they are.
But I now want to offer some love to the rest of you and hope that you will offer me some love in return.
From today (Sunday 19th January 2014), for the next 5 days only my poetry book will be available to download for free. That’s free, gratis and without charge. The magical price of £0.00.
For those of you that don’t have a Kindle, apparently you can download a free app for your PC that will enable you to download and read Kindle books to your heart’s content. Any Kindle book not just mine.
So. Please feel free to help yourself to a free book written by me.
All I ask is that you leave a review. It doesn’t have to be an essay. A couple of lines, hell, even one word would do. “Brilliant” is a great word for example. You can even suggest that I have blackmailed you into doing it. I don’t care. Just please leave something. A book for sale without a review or a star just looks lonely, orphaned and unloved.
Worse than that it looks unlovable.
So let’s you and me get into some free love over the next 7 days.
Thank you kindly (Kindle-y?) in advance.
P.S. I am still available for sexual healing every third Tuesday in the month.
P.P.S. My collection of humourous writings, Please Sir, Kindly Take Receipt Of This $9 Million Dollars, is also available for the unbelievably cheap price of 'one pahnd'. For some reason Amazon will not let me offer if for £0.00 no matter how much I bodge the on-line form. But, you know, if someone already has or would like to buy it, if they could then leave a review for it... that would be really great. Ta.
You write poetry too? I never woulda thunk...I might have a quick peruse in the hope of finding a saucy limerick.
Gorilla Bananas: alas, you'll be disappointed. I save my scurrilous material for this blog...
So is the 9 million dollars just a rehash of your blog (having read the review)? And why do you have the symbol $ AND the word dollars? Isn't that tautology? (Go on reply, I'm wearing my tin hat)
Colin: it is a rehash and there are 2 more rehashes coming, shameless marketer that I am. Ironically these are the volumes that I would like to offer for free but Amazon's odd rules forbid it. To offer it free I have to enrol it in Amazon's Kindle Select programme but because the material is available elsewhere it is not eligible. Silly rule. As for the tautology you're right again. But it's a tautology that is widely accepted and even expected.
Colin: P.S. actually it strikes me that "rehash" is not really selling the book.
Try this. The first of 3 volumes featuring a very choice selection of the very best that the first 1000 posts on Bloggertropolis has to offer, lovingly collected together in a single, luxurious, virtually bound volume for both posterity and the reader's pure-hearted enjoyment.
Wanna buy a bottle of Peckham Spring while you're at it?
I'm lost. Paradise lost.
I feel I should download it,read and review...do you trust me?
Nota Bene: I trust you.
But will I forgive you?
Geez. Quite a response. Seems I can't even give the ruddy thing away!
That sound of wind soughing somewhere off in the far distance is the sound of my ego slowly deflating...
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