With Apologies To Harrison Ford

First off can I just say that I have nothing against Harrison Ford. Or indeed The Dandy Warhols. Nor can I explain how the two have become inexplicably linked in my mind.

Harrison Ford was Han Solo for God’s sake. And Indiana Jones. The man is a legend. And is married to Calista Flockhart. Which may explain his long and legendary interest in all things wooden. And as for the Dandy’s... well, all I know of them is their song Bohemian Like You. But believe me, that’s been enough.

Because for some unearthly reason whenever I hear it I find myself composing alternative lyrics about Harrison Ford’s interest in carpentry. It kind of happens organically. I don’t know why. Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist?

Here then are, firstly, the original lyrics to The Dandy Warhols’ “Bohemian Like You’. And then secondly, my version that pays homage to Harrison Ford, actor, lumberjack and all round wood turner.

Bohemian Like You

You got a great car.
Yeah, what's wrong with it today?
I used to have one too,
Maybe I'll come and have a look.
I really love your hairdo, yeah.
I'm glad you like mine too,
See we're looking pretty cool.
Getcha!

So what do you do?
Oh yeah, I wait tables too.
No I haven't heard your band
Cause you guys are pretty new.
But if you dig on Vegan food.
Well come over to my work
I'll have them cook you something that you'll really love.

Cause I like you,
Yeah I like you.
And I'm feeling so Bohemian like you,
Yeah I like you,
Yeah I like you,
And I feel wahoo, wahoo, wahoo!

Wait. Who's that guy just hanging at your pad?
He's lookin' kinda bummed.
Yeah you broke up that's too bad.
I guess it's fair if he always pays the rent
And he doesn't get all bent
About sleepin' on the couch when I'm there.

Cause I like you,
Yeah I like you.
And I'm feeling so Bohemian like you.
Yeah I like you.
Yeah I like you
And I feel wahoo, wahoo, wahoo!

I'm getting wise
And I feel so bohemian like you.
It's you that I want so please,
Just a casual, casual easy thing.
Is it? It is for me

And I like you
Yeah I like you
And I like you, I like you, I like you,
Yeah I like you.
And I feel wahoo, wahoo, wahoo!

Harrison Ford’s Carpentry Like You

You got a great lathe.
It's not turning right today?
I used to have one too,
Maybe I'll come and have a look.
I really love your chainsaw, yeah.
I'm glad you like mine too,
See we're looking pretty cool.
Lumber!

So what do you do?
Oh yeah, I make tables too.
Though people say I'm bland
I do some acting too.
But if you're big on power tools
Well come over to my shed
And I'll let you play with a tool that you'll really love.

Cause I like you,
Yeah I like you.
And I'm into carpentry just like you,
Yeah I like you,
Yeah I like you,
And I feel wahoo, wahoo, wahoo!

Wait. What’s that mess just collapsed round at your pad?
You bought it from IKEA.
And it broke up that's too bad.
Well never fear I'll just grab my wrench
Smash up that old bench
And I'll make you a new couch while I'm there.

Cause I like you,
Yeah I like you.
And I'm into carpentry just like you,
Yeah I like you,
Yeah I like you,
And I feel wahoo, wahoo, wahoo!

I'm getting high
On polyvinyl acetate just like you.
It's your wood that I want so please,
Let's make a casual easy chair
with swivel legs just for me

And I like you
Yeah I like you
And I like you, I like you, I like you,
Yeah I like you.
And I feel wahoo, wahoo, wahoo!



And here’s a link to the original song on YouTube for those of you that want to sing-a-long: Bohemian Like You.

Abnormal service will be resumed shortly.

The X Fix

Very disappointing news from my friend, “Wilson”, who went along to the NEC in Birmingham to audition for The X Factor on Monday.

From what he’s reports he and the vast number of applicants were barely given a decent bite at the showbiz cherry.

After waiting nearly three hours for his slot Wilson was shoved into a tiny room no bigger than a portaloo where a very bored researcher sat on a chair composing a text message on his mobile phone. The researcher didn’t even look up or acknowledge Wilson’s presence. Luckily Wilson was prepared for this rudeness after hearing the accounts of his fellow X Factor hopefuls who’d auditioned before him... and it seems this ignorance and disrespect was generously ladled out to all applicants no matter what their standard. I suppose we ought to be thankful for this half hearted attempt at equality.

Wilson refused to sing until the guy looked up and made eye contact. Apparently the guy looked shocked that Wilson could actually sing properly but as soon as the piece was over he promptly waved his hand in dismissal and said, “Sorry, not this time.”

End of audition.

From what Wilson has learned this was par for the course for all of the applicants. All rather callous and offensive I’m sure you’ll agree.

Now before people start casting aspersions of “hard cheese” Wilson has made it clear to me that there were some amazing singers among the applicants – really terrific – but they were all treated in the same bored, offhand manner. The general consensus among applicants on the day was that a very definite pre-selection process was taking place in line with some sort of hidden agenda. Selection was taking place according to a rigid quota system based on who knows what kind of demographic. Your singing voice was not the deciding factor.

Anyway, Wilson is heartily cheesed off with the whole affair and I can certainly understand his chagrin. All that effort for nothing.

But, I personally think that just having the guts to go for the audition in the first place is quite an achievement and something to be proud of. I certainly couldn’t have done it. And it’s certainly a valuable experience too – albeit a rather crappy one.

Last time I spoke to Wilson he’d received offers from local bands to join them for jamming sessions and various people wanted CDs of his stuff. All promising opportunities, I’m sure you’ll agree, which I hope he’ll seize with both hands.

Who needs Simon Cowell and the approval of his ilk anyway?

X Factor? X Factoff!

X Factoid

A good friend of mine, who shall henceforth be known only as Mr D to protect his oddly-valued anonymity, is auditioning for The X Factor on Monday 30th April. Brave man.

The auditions take place at the NEC in Birmingham and Mr D is already as nervous as all hell. Not that hell ever struck me as being nervous in itself but never mind... however he has a fine voice and like me, has reached that juncture in life where it’s a case of: "If I don’t do it now I never will". As an old school friend of mine once told me: it’s better to regret something you have done rather than something you haven’t.

I tried telling that to the police after ram-raiding a local Ann Summers outlet a few years back but inexplicably it cut me very little slack...

Joking aside, I hope you’ll all join with me in wishing him well as he braves the censure of the likes of Dermot O’Leary and Patrick Kielty et al. Go get ‘em with your hot, syrupy vocals my good man!

For those of you that are interested Mr D’s vocal talents can be sampled at singsnap.com under the beguiling nom de plume of "Wilson".

Good luck for Monday matey!