Thursday, January 01, 2009

Roominations

The gorgeous Davina McCallCompletely off topic this (in that this post is going to make scanty reference to it being the first day of 2009 and all that "New Year Resolution" kind of jazz)...

Whilst sitting monged in front of the telly during this festive holiday I recall hearing some news that both filled me with despair and inspiration. Well, inspiration of sorts.

Apparently Davina McCall has been quoted as saying that she believes that Big Brother can "run and run and run". I.e. Forever. For perpetuity. Until the End Of Time.

Naturally, being the presenter of the UK version of the show this is more than likely Davina's most fervent wish but my first reaction was "Oh God, is this nation never going to grow up and move away from reality TV smut and tawdriness? Are we forever going to be obsessed with the psychological ingrowing toenails of dysfunctional people who plainly do not know any better?"

Reality TV is the dark stain on the modern psyche. Some people are honest and just admit that they love it. Other people - people like me - profess to hate, loathe and despise it and yet eventually get sucked in. Even if only for a little bit.

It's impossible to ignore. The media goes wild for it. It's on the news, in the papers and, most insidious of all, in the workplace.

With a new series of Celebrity Big Brother about to hit the small screen I just know that the sole topic of conversation at work for the next month or so will be the luridly ridiculous shenanigans of the new series of CBB.

And although I'll resist at first eventually I will succumb and plunge into the whole tawdry circus because I will want to have an opinion.

And that, folks, is how it gets the likes of you and me.

Because suddenly we care. We care even though in three month's time we know that we won't care at all.

So I've come to the startling conclusion that Davina (God bless her) is right. Big Brother will run and run. We'll never be free of it. It's become as essential a component of modern living as the mobile phone. It's the norm. Like Christmas in fact. They'll soon start publishing the broadcast dates of future BB series on retail calendars that we can buy in the shops. There'll be Bank Holidays planned around it.

So if we're going to be stuck with it I've decided to throw my hat into the ring and offer some BB themed suggestions to any programme producers out there who might be reading this post this morning and are willing to take a punt or two in terms of hard ready cash to see them "realized" on TV.


1) I'd like to see a politician special. Just politicians. From all parties. But rather than having them cut off from the outside world I'd like them to be hardwired / bluetoothed to the outside world. I'd like them to continue working. I'd like them to continue working in an environment so transparent that not only can their opposing party counterparts see what they get up to but so can we. Now that would be a social experiment worth conducting surely?

Too dry? Too heavy? Try this...

2) How about all the presenters of CBeebies doing a CBB (CBeebiesCBB?) special? Chris Jarvis, Pui Fan Lee, Andy Day, Sidney Sloane all locked into the house with Mr Tumble for 3 agonizing months... Think of it. They're so pure and seemingly innocent when they're singing songs on Kid's Telly and putting their teddies to bed in the CBeebies studio every evening... but what and who will get put to bed after they've been holed up in the CBB house together for months on end? Will Pui wear her Tellytubbies costume and drive Mr Tumble wild with desire? (Eh oh?!) Will Chris Jarvis wear her cast-offs and fess up about his exact location on the nation's communal gaydar? Can they all really be that cheerful and chipper all of the time? We need to know!

Hmm. Too sleazy, perhaps? Too sick?

OK. A final punt then:


3) We dig up all of the long dead comedians and great entertainers of yesteryear - Eric Morecambe, Leonard Rossiter, Kenneth Williams, Frankie Howard, et al - and place their corrupting cadavers (or little urns - geddit?) in front of the cameras for 3 months and watch a show that will undoubtedly prove to be far more entertaining and edifying than the sad batch of Z list celeb wannabes that Channel 4 has currently got lined up for the new series of CBB this year.

I'm done.

I rest my case.

Oh and did I mention...? Happy New Year to you all!

22 comments:

MG said...

Particularly like your second suggestion. It would be quite entertaining seeing the cbeebies crew being something other than completely cringe-som!

Steve said...

Indeed, I would love to see Pui as the cause of sexual tension and strife in such an emasculated group of males too...! ;-)

KAZ said...

I was totally addicted to the one with George Galloway etc..
I mean really addicted - like watching in the morning when they were asleep.
But that was it - I'm done with it now.

Steve said...

I must admit Kaz, his pussycat impression with dear old Rula Lenska was a sight to behold... but enough to put anyone off television (let alone BB) for life...

Annie said...

Happy New Year to you too Steve!!

Can't watch BB I'm afraid... I only ever saw one series (with Shilpa Shetty and Jade Goody) and found it far too uncomfortable and irritating!

Would YOU ever fancy going in a BB house? Hey that might be a bit better... a BIG BLOGGER version?!

Steve said...

Hi Annie - happy New Year to you too! - there's no way I would willingly sacrifice my privacy/sanity/dignity/freedom by being locked up in the BB house, not for any amount of money or reward! Besides which I really can't go to the loo if people are watching me...

French Fancy said...

"Some people are honest and just admit that they love it"

Guilty as charged, I'm afraid. I prefer the celeb one because it is so much shorter but I do get sucked in to BB every summer as well, much to the chagrin of Mr FF. I don't live and breathe it like so many on the BB forums seem to do and I don't sit up all night and watch them sleep - I want that noted in my defence.

I know it's rubbish and sometimes I try and defend it by spouting babble like 'psychological personality types etc etc' but the truth is it is rubbish that one can not have to think too much about. I don't watch soap operas though - I'm not that bad.

Brother Tobias said...

Steve, it worries me that you know that! Although I still recall the shame of being caught on a potty by my cousins. (I suppose sixteen was leaving it a bit late).

Daisy said...

i can't help the addiction of it either...like a drug...you resist for a while and just need the hit!

Steve said...

French Fancy: "I don't watch soap operas though" - saved at the eleventh hour! We don't either. In fact we've been known to switch the telly over immediately that one comes on in case we get infected.

Brother T, somethings are sacred and what goes on between a man and his lavatory are one of them.

Daisy, and just like a drug you just can't match the original exhileration of that very first hit...! But unlike a drug the last few series have been more akin to going to cold turkey than scoring a high...

justme said...

And a Happy New Year to you too!
I have managed, so far, NEVER to watch Big Brother......but even without watching it I can't help hearing stuff about it! How sad is that?

Sweet Cheeks said...

My daughter loves reality television shows. They drive me crazy. I'd rather watch cartoons. I do like 'House' though Hugh Laurie is a good actor.

Steve said...

Justme, you are a better person than the rest of us. Period.

Sweet Cheeks, I love cartoons too - The Grimm Adventures Of Billy & Mandy being a personal favourite. I've never watched House but have a long standing for Hugh Laurie after his work in Jeeves & Wooster and Blackadder.

The Dotterel said...

Love it, especially the CBeebies version. I must be the only person in the galaxy who has missed most of BB et al. I once tuned in (unable to sleep) at three a.m. and saw absolutely nothing, all under a green BBC Nature kind-of light. But enough of that! Was Pui really one of the Teletubbies?? I had no idea. But I'd tune in to see Sarah-Jane from Tikkabilla any time of the day or night.

Steve said...

Dotterel, it's all true. I believe she was the smallest one - Po, I think? As for Sarah-Jane, I know what you mean. She looked strangely alluring as the CBeebies Christmas fairy this year. However, due to "Higgledy House", whenever she smiles I keep hearing a child's shriekish laughter in the back of my mind and seeing Justin Whatsisface looming up gurningly behind her... it's most off-putting!

Lucy Fishwife said...

Happy New Year! I want to see an extended edition of Prime Minister's Question Time where the Speaker has a taser on a long stick. Members of the public can ring in to suggest which politician to zap, and the more they pay the higher the voltage. All profits go to charity. Would the BBC consider this idea?...

Steve said...

Lucy, what a brilliant idea: it could be an alternative to the Lottery - no huge cash prizes but everybody wins...

Lucy Fishwife said...

Steve, you're so in love with that (admittedly unusually foxy) picture of Davina that you're unwilling to post and move it down the page. Admit it.

Steve said...

Lucy, I admit the first charge regarding the definitely foxy pic of Davina but as for the non-posting... my lady, I must protest, I've posted loads since then. Are you veiwing the right page?

Lucy Fishwife said...

Steve how can I apologise??? Just realised that one of the computers at work, for reasons best known to itself, seems unable to show updates etc and when I look at your blog on it, this is the most recent post! Will trust the kindly old uncle of a computer in the back office in future and not the clueless upstart at the till.

Lucy Fishwife said...

PS You still luuuuuuuurve Davina though.

Steve said...

Lucy, just goes to show that no matter how flashy technology gets you still can't trust it.

As for Davina... yes, guilty as charged. I just love the way she says "Nutrisse means nourish, mum" on the Nutrisse adverts. She sends shivers down my shorter follicles.