Monday, January 12, 2009

The Shit Sandwich

The shit sandwich is a day where nothing goes right.

Actually that isn’t enough for a shit sandwich. It’s a day when everything that can go wrong does go wrong. And all the things that can go wrong delight in their wrongness at exactly the same time.

You get a deluge of wrongness.

If you’re feeling ill and have slept badly the night before that’s even better because then the shit sandwich becomes a club shit sandwich.

Extra big filling. With mayo. Ooh great. Just for me? How kind.

The club shit sandwich also has vicious peppercorns in it that lodge painfully between your teeth and gums like explosive grit. You carry the taste around with you all day. So much so that everything else you experience on that day also begins to taste like shit. It’s like the shit sandwich is spreading or... even worse... breeding.

And shit sandwich begat shit sandwich and its name was 12th January 2009...

The last thing you want to be doing when chowing down on a shit sandwich is gnashing your teeth but alas the Biblical allusions demand that this is done. So you gnash. And gnash. And it’s shit.

And it’s all yours.

Because people will share your lunch, your politics, your office stapler, your darkest secrets but nobody – nobody at all – will willingly share a shit sandwich with you. If you’re packing a shit sandwich you’re eating alone. It’s got your name all over it. Just your name. Just you.

Yes sirree. Sure looks good but if you don’t mind I’ll just stick with this here ham and lettuce... mm mm!

And you can’t blame them. You can’t blame them at all. Everybody gets a shit sandwich every now and then. It’s the way of the world. When it’s your turn to get a shit sandwich it isn’t a cup that can be passed on to someone else.

It’s bequeathed to you by life itself. You’ve just got to grit your teeth and make your way through it. Neck it down right to the last few flaky crumbs of the crust and hope that tomorrow it finds itself in someone else’s lunch box.

Because a shit sandwich isn’t like lightning. There’s no law that says it can’t strike in the same place twice...

There is after all such a thing as a double-decker shit sandwich...

*Sigh*

Pray for me, people. Pray for me.

I’m really not sure I have the stomach for it.

18 comments:

Tristan said...

Sounds delicious! Can I have mine with fries?

Steve said...

You sure you wouldn't prefer nuggets?

the projectivist said...

put it in the bin and steal someone else's lunch from the fridge in the staffroom!

Steve said...

Yeah but I bet their lunch is shit too...!

Daisy said...

i am not sure all of the details...however, i can say this...we all eat shit, it's how we swallow and what we wash it down to get the taste out of our mouth that counts...you need a nice glass of wine...and while not to forget...to let go of what has happened...it was just words afterall and it is over...you are still loved and cared for and in the end that is all that counts for anything, my friend...

Steve said...

Thanks, Daisy.

Rol said...

I kept reading in the hope we'd get more details about the actual reasons behind the SS... but I guess they were so bad you just couldn't reveal them.

EmmaK said...

I will pray for you and also send you some mouthwash to get the taste of shit out of your mouth.

Brother Tobias said...

Don't confront your shit sandwich. Reach a rapport with it. A shit sandwich is just a sandwich with some personal problems, looking for a friend to share them with. Tell yourself that you are in touch with your inner shit sandwich. Then go and drink a lot of beer.

Steve said...

Rol, the (internet) walls have ears... and loose lips sinks shits. Or something like that. ;-)

Emma, than you for your superlatively practical solution. I shall gargle and think of you.

Brother T, I may bypass the "becoming one with my shit sandwich" and just move straight onto drinking lots of beer. It's the fast track approach.

Reluctant Blogger said...

I would of course share your shit sandwich but I am not eating any wheat or processed food this month (I'm sure Shit counts as processed food!!). I can't even share a beer with you sadly.

Hope today was better.

Big hugs xx

Steve said...

Gina, refusing a shit sandwich because of dietary constraints is, of course, the right answer... thanks for the hug (without E numbers or added shit). Today much better. ;-)

kate5kiwis said...

...and loose lips sinks shits.
see - in the midst of this sh*t storm you still have your sense of humour - with a U.
why oh why do peeps leave the U out of humour??? X

Steve said...

Kate, I was going to make a joke about U-boats but decided that was far too scatological for this time in the morning...!

R~ said...

I had a double decker shite sandwich this week. Liquor goes well with it though...at least it does for me.

Steve said...

R~ thank you for the recommendation. I guess anything that puts pleasing fire into your belly is going to remove the most nastiest of tastes from your mouth...

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I truly sympathise Steve - my entire life has been a van load of shit sandwiches lately!

I do hope yours restrained itself to one day.

Steve said...

It did, Laura, and I sincerely hope that the van driver passes you by in future and makes some special deliveries to your old employers...