Wednesday, January 26, 2011

5 Celebs I’d Like To Be Best Mates With

As a balance to the searing invective of my last post (as delicious as it was to spew forth) I would like to present a counterpoint. The 5 celebs who would be most welcome to partake of the overflowing kindness of my bosom, come round for tea and meet up for drinkies and meals out on a regular basis.

Number 1: Keeley Hawes.

Keeley HawesYes. I know what you’re thinking. My admiration for this lady is well documented on this ‘ere blog and you’re all wondering how the hell I have the sheer audacity to suggest a platonic relationship with this absolute goddess of a woman. Well, the truth is I’m very happily married to my wife, Karen; Keeley is very happy with her long term partner, fellow actor Matthew Macfadyen, and we’re all 4 of us respectful and moral people. I think we’d all rub along nicely together, out on foursomes to the pub, visits to art galleries and theatres, holidays abroad together or even sharing a caravan in Cleethorpes. A veritable paradigm of platonic perfection. I foresee no sexual tension ever muddying the water until that inevitable point in the evening when we all throw our car keys into the fruit bowl and strip off to our underwear. But really, that is a feature of so many of my relationships I hardly think of it as being in any way out of the ordinary. Which reminds me, I’m planning on having a big blogger’s party at my house at the end of the year – do hope you can all make it; those of you that can drive anyway.

Number 2: Frankie Boyle.

Frankie BoyleFrankie is dangerous. Frankie is lethal. He’s cutting and cruel. He shows no mercy. He can savage a man with a single sentence and leave his self esteem and credibility in tatters. This is the man who described Gordon Brown as looking like a sad face drawn on a scrotum and Lembit Öpik as resembling a banana with Down’s Syndrome. What an utterly great man to have as your best friend. I know, I know. But isn’t that like being friends with the school bully just so you won’t get bullied, I hear you cry? No, it isn’t. And if you dare to say otherwise I’ll set Frankie onto you. Frankie is a man of rare intelligence and discernment. He does not suffer fools. At all. I imagine he maintains a very small circle of trusted friends and advisors around him. It would take a special person indeed to penetrate the barbed wire and the No Man’s Land of Frankie’s personality. Therefore it would be an honour and a privilege to call this man a best mate; to have him come round to my house and make sneering comments about Michael McIntyre’s latest DVD or just make another gynaecologically revolting joke about Kerry Katona. It would be the highest accolade. And not a single one of you would ever dare to take the piss out of me again in case the wrath of Frankie should ever descend on you. Well sorted.

Number 3: Philip Glenister.

Philip Glenister as Gene HuntThis man was Gene Hunt. That is so significant I shall type it again. This man was Gene Hunt. How cool is that? I mean how cool would it be to have this man drop you off at work in the famed Quattro and have him wave you off with something suitably witty and Gene-esque like “anybody gives you grief, knee ‘em in the knackers, son”. Walk into a pub with this man and I guarantee you will be served first by the landlord and then serviced by the barmaids. Your street cred would be assured for the next thousand years. This man was and is Gene Hunt. And he knows Keeley. We could all go out together in the Quattro and scare the shit out of any minority groups that we happen to pass. Though to be on the receiving end of a choice bit of Gene Hunt Political Uncorrectness would be a badge of honour for any mong, nonce or lowlife scum in the vicinity. Then we could all go back to mine and down a bottle of scotch though I might hide the fruit bowl on this occasion. I mean, you don’t want to get too puffy with Gene. He don’t like it.

Number 4: Professor Brian Cox.

Professor Brian CoxWhat is not to like about this man? He’s like a big bumbling cuddly kid with the hardwired brain of a nuclear physicist. He’d share his Sherbet Dib Dabs with you whilst explaining the origins of the universe and how to actually use that cheap telescope you bought from Tesco but never figured out how to use. You could ask him anything about Uranus and he’d answer with a straight face. You could ask him about the probability of alien life, the creation of black holes and whether things can only get better and he’d know the answers. You need never lose a pub quiz again. Or Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. And I bet he’d wangle you a free visit to see the Hadron Collider as well. What more could you ask for from a mate? In fact, that is the bench mark by which all friendships should be judged. Have your friends got you in to see the Hadron Collider? No? Well, they’re not your mates then. Dump them.

Number 5: Dr Alice Roberts

Dr Alice RobertsIt’s been tough to limit this list to 5. Also vying for inclusion into my Friendly Famous 5 was Julia Bradbury (great for hill walking adventures), Miranda Hart (how could anyone not like Miranda Hart?), Helen Mirren (sexy older chick friend – total kudos) and Katie McGrath (my fruit bowl is big enough, believe me) but in the end the number 5 slot had to go to Dr Alice Roberts because she’s got brains, dyes her hair red and swims in the nude. For anyone with a passing interest in archeology or paleontology or any kind of ology that focuses on history and evolution (and believe me my interest in such matters is always passing) then she’d be ideal mate material. She could whisper mitochondrial deoxyribonucleic acid into my ear as often as she liked and I’d never get bored of hearing her say it. Especially if she was doing a few laps around my boys’ blow up paddling pool in the nuddy for good measure. And did I mention her hair? Sometimes she dyes it red. Not sure why that ticks a box with me but it does. A science chick with groovy hair. Every friendship list should have one. And mine does.

So there you have it. My dream good-buddy list. The pals I’d love to have. The ingredients for a perfect dinner party round at mine. Do feel free to join in and play. After all the violence and the bloodshed of the last few days, it’s time to spread a little love. Which celebs would you like to be best mates with and why?


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47 comments:

Rol said...

God, Steve, I haven't had time to do the last one yet! Give me a chance.

I don't like Frankie Boyle. I'm not sure I can say why, since my exposure to him has been pretty limited, and I certainly don't hate him in the way I hate McIntyre... but there's just something about him that makes me think, 'no'.

The only one on your list I'd definitely have round for tea would be Brian Cox, especially if he bought his keyboards and played Things Can Only Get Better.

(And on an unrelated note, can I just say I don't do parties. But thanks for the invite!)

Steve said...

Rol: I kind of see Frankie Boyle and Michael McIntyre as being at opposite ends of the comedy sprectrum. I don't hate McIntyre at all but I can see how and why he irriates some people. If Frankie and McIntyre ever had to fight it out in a baiting pit my money would be on the Scotsman. As for the party invite: do hope you can make it. I'm sure we can find you an accommodating garage for you to pop your car into over night or, if not, you can just careen it up the big bushy grass verge of your choice. ;-)

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Blogger's party? Great idea! Do Facebook me nearer the time as I am often in the Midlands at weekends in any case.

Philip Glenister would be a laugh I reckon. The strange thing is that he is not actually that good looking, but he manages to have this amazing presence that makes him seem a lot more attractive than he is.

If he could bottle it to sell to less fortunate men, he'd be very rich indeed!

femminismo said...

I didn't see my name on the list! Oh, wait! I'm not a celeb ... yet. That's right. Well, have to tell ya' that I don't know these people, but you've made me want to. Steve, you're part of my world view/geographical history lessons 101. How scary is that?!

Steve said...

Laura: I shall tell our Phil to bring a bottle to the party... hopefully he'll allow me to partake a little of the ol' Gene Genie. Lord knows I could use it sometimes!

Femminismo: fame at last! I shall have to compose a list of my favourite 5 bloggers (and subsequently slash my audience by 90% no doubt)!

lunarossa said...

George Clooney, for obvious reasons. Just friendship would do fine by me as long as he never has other female friends...Ciao! A.

Steve said...

Lunarossa: I don't see how George could possibly object! I mean what's exclusivity between friends? ;-)

Löst Jimmy said...

Tee hee I do like a good old fashioned Two Minutes of Adulation

I was beginning to worry that toward the end of the Ms Hawes section you were coming over (phnarr phnarr) a bit Tommy Sheridan with the keys in the bowl quip (reminded me of that Series 2 Life On Mars episode).

Wanderlust said...

I don't know most of these celebs but it doesn't matter, I want to be friends with all of them now. I'm passing my fruit bowl to the guy in the middle.

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: must admit that particular episode of Life On Mars wasn't a million miles from my thoughts...!

Wanderlust: you're plainly a woman of taste. I suggest you get yourself to Amazon and snap a boxed set of Life On Mars and/or Ashes To Ashes and have yourself a good night in with the Gene Genie.

libby said...

See, as sad as I am, and I know this is pathetic, but I would hate to be friends with anybody famous 'cos that would just make me feel like more of a loser....

Steve said...

Libby: yes but less of a loser than somebody without any famous friends at all and much less than someone with no friends famous or not.

Selina Kingston said...

Best friends with Keeley Hawes?? Do me a favour - I reckon it's more a case of being willing to partake in the overflowing kindness of HER bosom !! Disgusting! I, on the other hand, would love to be "best friends" with Gene Hunt!! That's one sexy man ...

Steve said...

Selina: a good friendship is like a babe; it must be well suckled. On that note, would you be willing to partake in the overflowing kindness of Gene Hunt's moobs? Er, sorry, bosom? ;-)

Gorilla Bananas said...

Take out Jimmy Boyle and you've got the perfect cast for an orgy in which everyone has a go at being the girl. Your role would be to bring everyone drinks and mop up the bodily fluids.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: bring everyone drinks and mop up the bodily fluids? I think I'd just recycle.

Nota Bene said...

Oh. I have to like 5 celebrities? I don't even know that many. feel you should have put a link to Radiohead's House of Cards..just in case anyone didn't get it..

Steve said...

Nota Bene: have to admit, being very uncool, that I don't get it.

Kelloggsville said...

Is the next post 5 celebs I would like to shag? Although you've covered a couple (allegedly!)

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: don't believe all you read about The News Of The World phone tapping transcripts... Kate Winslett was well up for it and I did not drug Anne Widdecombe. Other than that, that's not a bad idea for a post...! ;-)

Mark said...

Let's be honest Steve, they're all going to be busy. You could always ask Andy Gray round; I hear he's free these days.

Being Me said...

Blogger party? I'll start saving for the airfare now! ;P

Don't know anyone on your list. I live a sheltered (well, no... probably just 'Australian') life. Although I know Dr Alice through your blog, the only thing I know about her (twice now) is that she likes to skinny dip. They all sound like wonderful friends to pocket. Love the Friendly Famous Five tag too! Might have to think about doing this one, peace loving anti-hater that I am, I couldn't have done your last one.

rb said...

Keeley is mine, mine, all mine - do you hear, Steve? Hands off.

You can have the others.

Very odd combination of people. Could be an interesting party.

missbehaving said...

Yes, have not even had time to do the last one yet and now the bar is raised so impossibly high it's pointless, could you not just be a little less prolific sometimes?? ;)
I'm rather in love with Keeley myself, but I'd be willing to keep Matthew distracted for you, anyway I know how.

Owen said...

You obviously used very considerable self restraint when creating this list... I mean, how did you keep Jessica Jane off it ? Guess there's no accounting for taste...

The Sagittarian said...

...Philip Glenister AND Ray Winstone...I'll get back to you on the others!

Steve said...

Mark: good idea; and my little lady wife can busy herself in the kitchen making cups of tea and baking for us. She'd love that.

Being Me: love is definitely better for the soul than hate though the latter seems to be better for my blog stats. Would love to see who you come up with. Your place at the party is assured! ;-)

rb: I'd say I'd fight you for her but you'd be on my top 5 nicest bloggers list so I just couldn't. We'll have to devise a time share rota and be civilized about it.

MissBehaving: you'd act as a decoy? What a marvellous ploy! And it'll save me a fortune in rophinol.

Owen: I had to Google Jessica Jane. And then lost about 2 hours examining very closely the mass of pictures of her that seem to be available online. She might not have made the top 5 but she'd make the fruit bowl.

Amanda: ooh good call! How could I have forgotten Ray? He'd be in the top 10 without a doubt.

Heather said...

I don't really have an opinion about any of these people - I suspect I am somewhat out of touch with popular culture in the UK these days. Has anyone ever noticed what tiny piggy little eyes Brian Cox has though?

The Dotterel said...

I don't like Miranda Hart. Sorry!

Becky said...

agree with all except Frankie Boyle!

Steve said...

Heather: it's all that squinting he does through high powered telescopes. He's told me to ask you to stop drawing your bedroom curtains at night.

The Dotterel: I'm sure you'll have your reasons as erroneous as they may be.

Becky: he says he doesn't like you much either. ;-)

French Fancy... said...

(sigh) Brian Cox is the man of my dreams (sigh)

Steve said...

FF: I hear tell the man wields a mighty telescope...

bigwords said...

If I had any idea who these people were I'd make a comment about what taste you have!

bigwords

Steve said...

Bigwords: let's just take it as read. ;-)

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I was going to say I don't like any celebs ('cept the ones I'd bed obviously) but Gene Hunt is a great addition, I'd have him round for dinner and feed him 'oops.

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: 'oops 'n' chips. He'll be eating out of your hand.

Owen said...

Dear Steve,
I am SO sorry, just terribly contrite, at being responsible for your having spent two hours examining Jessica Jane's, errr, masses. And I don't mean to say she is massive, not by a long stretch... or could we say she is massive in all the right places and ways ?

To tell you the truth, I'd never heard of her either, but I felt so utterly ignorant not knowing any of your candidates, that I went and googled "sexy british tv star", and came across Jessica almost immediately. I needed to go no further.

I'm sure your research was purely scientific... it's all about physics, vectors, velocities and the like, right ?

Cheerio...

Steve said...

Owen: absolutely, I was merely calculating volume over mass, appropriate flight paths, angle of approach and jettison speeds... purely for, er, empirical science. Ahem.

A Write Blog said...

How tastes differ.

I'd have Philip Glenister. Not just as Gene Hunt either although that would be cool. He has been good in everything I've seen him in.

..but Frankie Boyle? Oh No. He seems to rely on the shock value too much and without that would not be very funny.

............I'd have Hugh Fearnley-Wittering Stall or whatever his name is in my likes list too.

He's original and thought provoking.

Steve said...

AWB: Glenister is good in everything - except for the misconceived Demons but I'm willing to forgive him that. As for Hugh... alas he made my list of celebrities I'd most like to smack in the mouth. I don't think he'd accept a dinner invitation from me even if I was to send him one!

Phil said...

I’m a big fan of Brian Cox too. He somehow reminds me a bit of Keanu Reeves, but without the long ‘delay’ when you ask him how he is today.

I’d have to join the long queue to ‘terminate Matthew Macfadyen with extreme prejudice’ for bedding Keeley Hawkes. So... sweet and deliciously innocently sensual Keeley would be on mine too.

Loved your narrative about those two, you & yours, and the car keys part!

Then I’d settle for: Kate Bush, Marion Cotilard, Laura Morante (Italian Actress) and Billy Connelly – because I thought he was the God of Humour & Laughter in my youth and he once yelled a stream of profanity at me, which remains a moment I will cherish forever and ever.

Steve said...

Phil: "reminds me a bit of Keanu Reeves, but without the long ‘delay’ when you ask him how he is today..." - absolutely spot on - had me howling with laughter. I'm kicking myself for forgetting Kate Bush. I've been a fan of her for 25 years. How could I have forgotten Kate Bush? She'd have to be a bessy mate. We could take our kids to playgroup together and then discuss Tennyson's poetry over a croissant...

Phil said...

Re: Kate Bush above…

Yeagh..right Steve. Whatever floats your tugboat.

I was thinking more of abandoning the kids on a motorway, with the bag of croissants, then discussing Dante’s Inferno – ‘Lust’ - while pinned hopelessly under Kate’s neatly trimmed bush…I mean thighs. Ooops. Slip of the tongue. Honest.

Although Tennyson may actually have been right on the money when he said - “I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair”……Aaaaahh….. penny’s just dropped!

Oh…you dirty sneaky little bugga Steve. I’d never have guessed.

Salut! et ‘Bon Chance’.

And to show my respects – here is a wonderful little ensemble of Kkkk..Kate – I prepared a little earlier. Kick back for five and enjoy. Just try not to croak on your croissant Steve:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njxx9qJodh0&feature=player_embedded

Straight off a little homage to her on my blogette. Her ‘two fingered’ elusiveness makes her even more alluring and desirable in this day and age. She still rocks my world.

Have a better PM. Back again soon.

Steve said...

Phil: Tennyson was a randy old goat - come into the garden, Maude? Surely an early reference to the "lady garden" of sexual euphemism! I would be glad to munch on Kate's freshly buttered quoissants for an entire siesta and then some. The woman is a goddess. I've just treated myself to the latest biography about her - Under The Ivy - which I can definitely recommend to a fellow KB connoisseur like yourself.

Phil said...

Yeaaahhss…! England – ‘26’ -- The Miners – ‘less’.

What a wonderful Friday night and a cracking way to start the weekend. Just left the Millennium Stadium in Caaar-dif. Via the Tv I burgled earlier. Off to the Pub in a minute (‘The Fridge & Bucket’) to celebrate before I forget the number sequence on its cheap and battered lock. Which is always traumatically upsetting, seeing as that’s where I keep all the good stuff.

Re: Your - “Tennyson was a randy old goat - come into the garden, Maude?...” Outstanding! You can tell I’m not a poetician. You crafty critter. I’ve been resisting poetry, pretty much all my life, so maybe you’ve finally opened the portcullis and let down the drawbridge. I will have to delve won’t I.

As for the tipster on the KB book ‘Under the Ivy’ – you’re an absolute star! Thank you. Didn’t have the faintest notion about this. I’ve just dragged out the old Yak-anorak, loaded up the pockets with crisps, cider and roll ups, and I’m off to stretch out across the threshold of ‘Waterstones’ till morning.

An yes…she is a ‘goddess’ isn’t she. Well said.

And thanks for joining my other ‘inmates’ over at mine earlier. Made me chuckle out loud to see that ‘affectionately irritating’ icon of yours suddenly appear on my blog page. I will remain your loyal and attentive student apprentice. An honour and a privilege Sir Steve.

For now though I must away to top up the chardonnay and watch Dame Helen and the equally gorgeous Emily Blunt on the Graham Norton show. Other than Kate Bush knocking my door to blag a bowl of sugar, I can’t think of a better way to round off this particular Friday night. So I sincerely wish you a better one!

Phil.

Steve said...

Phil: always happy to join a rogue's gallery; I shall pop over today and give your place a proper going over. Did I misread earlier or did you hint you might pen a post to the wondrous Kate Bush yourself? Always good for a hard bit of blogging is our Kate... oh and I hear tell there might be a musical offering from her in the pipeline later this year or so a little bird tells me...