Monday, January 31, 2011

Frost Cocks

Leamington Spa is well known for its artistic connections. Sir Terry Frost was a local lad. As were Whitehouse and Baker and I even suspect that Rolf Harris has - on occasion - driven through the place whup-whup-whupping his wobble board as he passed through Leamington's Georgian streets on his way to pick up some poster paints from WHSmiths and a moustache trimmer from Boots.

So I should not have been surprised by the great collection of street art that I happened across whilst walking into town Saturday morning.

Nature had supplied an entire street's worth of ready made canvasses: a whole string of frosted windscreens lining the pavement.

Our anonymous artist plainly could not resist. Foregoing the traditional implements of paint brush and chisel, our Banksy-in-the-making set to work with his fingertips. I can only imagine the chillblains he suffered as he produced this transient oeuvre in honour of erect manhood. Car after car was burdened with a giant spurting cock complete with two balls like a pair of Russian cosmonaut helmets. Each cock followed the exact same design and proportions. A production line of phallic perfection. Each fat todger was clearly circumcised but whether this was a moral statement on the advantages of such a medical / religious procedure or just a way of ensuring that the viewer correctly identified these objects of mass insemination as cocks and not images of the Space Shuttle blasting off from Cape Canaveral is anybody's guess.

This artist - and I'd lay money on the fact he was male - clearly loves his own cock and wished to stamp its brooding authority upon another object already closely associated with male virility, the motorcar. Suddenly the street was full of cock-cars. The motor engine and the engine of procreation had become one.

The artist was egalitarian in his choice of motor. He didn't just go for high end sports cars; frequently he skewered the humble family car or a beat-up second-hand ringer of dubious provenance with his throbbing man tool. Plainly, when it comes to metaphorically shagging cars, this guy has no other requirements than a windscreen and four wheels. Speed and colour is not important. If it's parked by the roadside, engine coolling than it's fair game. Flash-bang-whallop! Your Porsche has been porked by the Phantom Penis Painter.

But such virility could not last. Nature performed an inevitable irony even as I considered heading home for my camera just so I could capture this carnival of cockdom for the enjoyment of you all. As the sun climbed higher each penis melted away as if faced with the prospect of having to dry hump a naked Des Lynam. The cars were returned to their virgin state once more.

Perhaps this was the artist's intention? To comment on the brief glory of the heat of male appetite?

Or perhaps it was just a bunch of drunk students with too much alcohol in their systems and too much time on their hands and a total lack of respect for other people's property?

*cue sound of record being scratched by a hastily removed needle*

No. No. Scrub that. Don't spoil it for me. In the back of my mind I can still hear the voice of Rolf Harris grumbling in counterpoint to the early morning birdsong, asking a red-faced milkman, "Can you see what it is yet?"



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42 comments:

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

Ah this did make me chuckle! The thought of the sun melting those wonderful priapic creations as if they were something Mr Whippy had created.

I don't know why, but it reminds me of the streets I saw in Pompeii where there were penis etchings in the pavements, pointing the way to the nearest brothel.

Steve said...

Trish: damn. Maybe I misinterpreted the damn things and should have followed where they were pointing and crossed over to the other side of the road?

Modern Military Mother said...

I think that is quite funny! But y'see now I am old I am disgusted but that could easily have been a younger me as Banksy doing juvenile art! I laugh at knob gags and farting - I can't help it sometimes I am still 12!!

Steve said...

MMM: to be honest that's the permanent maximum mental age of most men.

Wylye Girl said...

Ah, I feel your loss Steve. I was likewise unable to photograph the 'Warminster Snow Cock', a similarly circumcised tool of monstrous propotions which stood for several days during the recent snow. I somehow felt there was something decidedly unseemly about a woman in her middle years parking up to photograph marvellous piece of snowmanship and all attempts to photograph it as I passed ended in nothing more than a shot of my right ear and the door pillar of the car. On this occasion, however, I believe the sculpter to be of the female persuasion for she had the balls on the wrong side, either that it was one of the worst cases of undescended testes in the Western World.

Steve said...

Wylye Girl: she put the balls on the wrong side?!? Well, she made a right balls up of that then, didn't she?

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

A hilarious post until the bit about Des Lynam naked, I now have that image etched into my mind and I feel a little sick.

Ta for that.

Steve said...

Very Bored in Catalunya: I must admit, it sank my boat too rather than floating it...

Readily A Parent said...

It's lovely to know the arts are alive and well in Leamington Spa. Why I'm sure, Steve, you could apply for a fine arts council grant to take these fledling artists under your wing and show them how to promote their cockery with poetic brilliance.

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: I'm not sure I'd want to be responsible for pushing their amateur cockery onto the Arts Council of Great Britain when there are so many professional cocks doing a much better job of it than I ever could...!

libby said...

Very easy to draw something like that isn't it? quick, easy and uncomplicated....like drunken students really....and yes Rolf Harris has visited W H Smith in L/spa....my mom and son met him, I saw him, and don't know if he 'wobble boarded' or not but he was very pleasant!

Val said...

Well, it's obvious isn't it. I mean, the artist was Mr D.Ickhead.

Steve said...

Libby: that was a shot in the dark that paid off!

Val: he's very prolific or so I'm told.

joebloggs said...

Maybe they were trying to let you know that history is catching you up....
http://fromthebathroomwall.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/bathroom_graffiti_steve_suc.jpg

Barry Coidan said...

I hear it was one of the joshes planned for the next series of "Top Gear".The trouble was it all got a little out of hand after James May posited a correlation between the Hamster's lack of height and the size of his todger.

I should also point out that a penis is invariably drawn a la "roundhead" mode. La mode "Cavalier" presents considerable difficulties for the quick draw artist. The elaboration that is the mark of a hooded dick requires much concentration and drawing skill.

Steve said...

JoeBloggs: my lawyer totally refuted that claim at the time.

Barry: I think it's the twirly moustaches that they find so hard to draw.

joebloggs said...

And so he should, why discriminate? :)

Gorilla Bananas said...

This could be the noiseless alternative to honking. Wouldn't housewives on their way back from the supermarket prefer to see the horn rather hear it? I think you should do a survey.

Steve said...

Joe: no win no fee, that's his style.

Gorilla Bananas: a dick survey? Don't the government do one of those every ten years or so?

Alienne said...

That had me in stitches! And so much more original and better than smashing the windscreens or breaking off mirrors as our local drunks have been known to do.

English Rider said...

"motor engine and engine of procreation" great connection. We are lucky that you passed by at just the right moment to capture in words that which, as in real life, faded faster than one would have wished.

Kelloggsville said...

I rather like Des Lynam myself

Löst Jimmy said...

Holy thawing tools Batman!

Owen said...

Someone should just do a stake out one night, and when he comes by, just cold cock the poor bugger, and carry him off to the local constabulary to sleep off his excesses, no sober man would have done this...

bigwords is... said...

I just have images of cock in my head. Must go grab a gin and "chew the fat", so to speak.

Wanderlust said...

What was a teenager's drunken graffiti, you have made art twice over; once in viewing it through the eyes of Harris and again through your poetic description of the encounter. Impressive.

Heather said...

The phantom penis painter? Well I do hope he never makes it out this way. I love a good knob gag as much as next woman but having phallic symbols etched upon my car for 6 months would be taking it a bit far.

Steve said...

Alienne: we have a higher breed of yob in Leamington Spa.

English Rider: they passed away as quickly as the morning dew...

Kelloggsville: it takes all sorts. ;-)

Löst Jimmy: the artist's utility belt must be a thing to behold and no mistake.

Owen: I suspect he was inebriated on his sheer virility.

Bigwords is: "chew the fat"? There's no way I'm going to bite on that one.

Wanderlust: beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Or even the terminally bored.

Heather: 6 months? He'd have the time to create an entire sculpture city of cocks and one that would be positively priapic in its longevity.

Mark said...

Made me laugh.

But surely Rolf would never sink so low?

Steve said...

Mark: I may have misinterpreted the design. It may have been a didgeridoo.

The Sagittarian said...

What fun!! And certainly sounds like something that could take on a life of it's own, who knows - out in blogland there may be artistes (loosely used term) plotting their own versions of this in their own streets!

Steve said...

Amanda: this could go viral. Just what the world needs. Viral cocks.

Being Me said...

You live in a very strange place (and I of course just mean the town, dear Steve).

Steve said...

Being Me: although, metaphorically, you might be onto something too.

Suburbia said...

Laughing!

(thanks)

Steve said...

Suburbia: the pleasure was all mine.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I'm guessing someone did it just to chuckle at the thought of motorists having to write lurid descriptions on their insurance claim forms!

Not a very sophisticated artist if he cannot manage to draw a foreskin, though I suppose a rude-imentary cock was good enough for his purposes!

Steve said...

Laura: yes, not sure why the foreskin would cause him so much trouble - maybe he was tight on, er, time? He's obviously just a straight in-and-out kind of guy and then onto the next one...

Phil said...

Very funny Steve: “…still hear the voice of Rolf Harris grumbling in counterpoint to the early morning birdsong, asking a red-faced milkman, "Can you see what it is yet?" … Milkman scratching head “A pint of blue top and two eggs Rolf?”

Also very funny: “I don't know why, but it reminds me of the streets I saw in Pompeii where there were penis etchings in the pavements, pointing the way to the nearest brothel.”

(Actually - How could Trish have known that??)

A funny tale, cleverly scribed, and made all the funnier by the comments and sharp ripostes on display here.

Steve said...

Phil: thank you - your kind comments are much appreciated.

missbehaving said...

LOL, hilarious, no chance of a pic?

Steve said...

MissBehaving: unfortunately my fingers were too numb after drawing all those... er... erm...!