I arrived at work this morning and realized that I wasn’t as popular as I once thought I was the moment that someone else got the “mwah mwah dahling” hug and air-kiss treatment while my greeting was very much an afterthought. An “oh hello there I didn’t see you beavering away beneath that rock and now that we’ve made eye contact I’d better acknowledge you just to maintain appearances” sort of look.
I responded with an Inspector Zen-like look of subtlety and European enigma but I suspect I merely looked like I was fighting to keep an unhealthy amount of flatulence safely contained within my gut.
Which funnily enough, I was. It was something I ate. A homemade chicken and bacon pie last night. I’m fine with chicken. I’m fine with bacon. I’m fine with pie. But for some reason, now that I have clocked over 40 years on the ol’ age-o-metre, I find that my stomach is starting to rebel against some really bizarre and nominally innocuous food stuffs. I mean what could be less offensive than chicken and bacon? (I, of course, address this question to all non-vegetarians in the audience – thank you for coming; do try the veal.) I’ve eaten both for years but suddenly, over the last 12 months, my colon has decided that as a combo the 2 taken together are poison. My guts swell up and produce gas which my body refuses to let go off and I am in pain as a consequence.
My wife, when I tell her of this, looks at me with eyes that speak volumes of the years and years of IBS she has suffered and I can hear the words “now you know it feels like” sung by invisible angelic voices over my right shoulder. The guy over my left is pulling his pants down and farting.
I suspect I may be clinically insane at this point in my blog.
And then to top it all I seem to have been embroiled against my will in a row with another work colleague from another department for reasons I can’t go into here but suffice it to say I am innocent of all wrong doing (apart from nicking a biro from the stationery cupboard once a number of years ago). Sadly I am being held responsible for things I have no responsibility for and this person is refusing to take my calls, emails and offers of free pens.
I am not someone who co-exists with ill feeling at all well but have done all I can to clarify my position so I am content to let the hurricane exhaust itself on the beach before I venture out to sea again with that particular sailor. No jokes about Seaman Staines please.
And lastly, whilst examining my blogging stats in the way one examines one’s navel, I noticed that one of the search terms that has driven traffic to my blog over recent weeks has been “hiccups and bile”.
How very apt.
Monday is it? Time for some Boomtown Rats, I reckon. Ta ta.
26 comments:
My body seems to have started to reject chicken legs. Wasn't a problem until this year but it now tries to get rid of them as quickly as humanly possible upon entering the system. shame, I quite enjoy a chicken leg.
I hate everyone who works in our anther department too. Bunch of icks.
Heather: I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere about chicken legs escaping from your system as fast as possible but the details might be a bit foul. (sorry)
Rol: thanks for pointing out the typo. It has now been crrected smrtarse.
Glad that you were able to let off steam if not gas.
Try peppermint pills. When I reported a similar complaint to my Doctor, he smiled and nudging the attractive nurse at his side, intoned "IBS". I thought he said "IDS" and asked what the MP for Chingford had to do with anything.
I still have 'Christmas guts' and was given an Ambipur for the car. How tactful is that? No more rich food for me.
Bad guts and a Monday, terrible combination. Stay Well
Feel better soon....and just ignore the bad feeling from the person at work.
Isn't it strange how foods you have enjoyed all your life suddenly 'turn' on you later in life? I've always enjoyed cucumber and onion and garlic and now can't eat any of them! well I can but they upset me no end!!
Barry: funnily enough, my Nan always swore by extra strong mints for indigestion and stomach gas type ills... might have to get a tube in purely for medicinal purposes.
Tenon_Saw: Christmas guts?! I like it. I guess I have Christmas butt.
Löst Jimmy: I think the only solution is to avoid Mondays. I wonder if I can get a doctor's note?
Libby: I guess my guts are becoming as crotchedy and contrary in their old age as I am!
I`m sorry about your little problem. I had a methane-related incident at work last week - Turkish Delight last thing at night is definitely off my menu from now on!
Talking of Zen, I watched it last night and really enjoyed it. In fact, I`d go as far as to say I`d give him one....but that`s not a very Grandmotherly thing to admit, is it? I`ll just stick to the Gaviscon from now on!
Nana Go-Go: you'd give him one? Reminds me of my favourite joke. A blonde walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre - so the barman gave her one. Geddit?
Thursday night used to be my Fish&Chip night, now I have to decide whether I am prepared to spend Friday in pain and sufferance if I wish to eat my favourite meal. I am also work scapegoat extra-ordinaire this week : we could be sharing the same life. Although I am grateful we don't share the same toilet ;0)
It's odd that meat makes you fart. Are you sure it isn't some kind of nervous reaction? Anyway, if you can't stop doing it you may as well enjoy it. Fart in the face of your cat if you have one. For some reason, cats never hold grudges against people who fart at them.
Well, we old farts (haha) find all sorts of stuff bothering our innards as time goes by. I guess you'll just have to get used to it like I did and carry air freshener with you at all times.
Kelloggsville: no fish and chips?! Noooooooooo! I could not live without fish and chips. Thank you for making me feel so much better. Inadvertently.
Gorilla Bananas: do they still keep their equanamity if you hold the bedsheets down over their heads?
Femminismo: I may have to buy myself a Glade Plug-in and a mobile battery pack.
Glade plug-in. That's all I needed to read. Ahhh thank you, Steve, I knew I could count on you to give me a belly (sorry to mention it) laugh today xx
It's all down hill from now on Steve. As one who is ahead of you, I know. And a little grouse if I may. You post photos of lovely women at every opportunity yet you slip in a reference to Zen and don't post a photo of the lovely Rufus for your lady readers. Come on! Let's have a bit of consideration for our feelings!
Being Me: if I've given you a small carefree moment then I am glad of my wind.
Alienne: Good grief. You and my mother both! Although I'm not sure that a pic of Rufus Sewell under the heading "Hiccups And Bile" would have worked well together...!
Re your colleague...pity there are such sensitive plants about, just looking for an injury to be done them.
The fly in the web: the trouble with sensitive plants is that they tend to be the ones to get covered in more compost...
Your new found IBS is more likely to be due to the pastry than the meat, wheat can cause IBS, maybe try to eliminate from your diet for a week or two and then reintroduce to see the reaction.
As for the 'other' department - my god do people really act so bloody childishly in a work environment. I suggest you steal their stapler.
I have become allergic to cats, which I know isn't the same thing BUT it is something that has taken me by surpirse as I have 2 that I adore and have always had the freeloaders, so am blaming it on old age too.
You did say old age, didn't you? Speak up sonny...eh? eh?
Very Bored in Catalunya: steal their stapler? It's an idea but they've put their name on it in indelible ink. I think I'll stick to flicking my bogeys onto the back of their chair when they're not looking.
Amanda: I think I'm going to start blaming everything on old age from now on. Everything from eating too much chocolate to skiving. I may as well make this age thing work for me.
There are some weird food combination reactions, I get itchy from a combination of chocolate and mushrooms (not both in or at the same meal, I hasten to add). Chicken and bacon. Only thing I can think of is Nitrites/Nitrates in the bacon which is why I avoid it (most of the time, not always).
Anyway, hope you're feeling better now.
Val: I am though it's taken two days for my stomach to normalize. I can live without bacon. I can't live without chocolate so methinks I'll be grateful for small mercies.
Perhaps you should just drop one in your colleague's office next time you are feeling so burdened.
It won't help the situation between you but it could be a conversation starter.
;-)
Clippy Mat: not if they pass out first.
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