Friday, January 07, 2011

Logging Off

I don’t know your name. Or your address. But believe me I wish that I did.

I don’t know what your problem is but I’m guessing it is gastro related. Certainly it is a very personal beef.

I’m trying to divine your mindset. Figure out what makes you tick.

Perhaps you are homeless and have no access to basic facilities? The dark corner at the back of my place of work has, perhaps, special significance for you? The place where you had your first kiss / shag / spliff / al fresco bowel movement? Who knows? But something keeps drawing you back to the same spot night after night no matter how vigilant we are about shovelling your hefty calling cards into the river (note to the RSPCA: sorry about the dead swans).

Maybe you see yourself as a street artist? The Human Pencil perhaps? And each night your return to the same spot to try and achieve the impossible: sign your name with your own excrement? But I’m guessing you run out of lead before you get to the second letter. Bet you wish you’d been christened something short and pithy like Bob or Joe. I bet your real name is Alexander Gregorin Blenkinsop III and you curse your mother each time you squat down and try to work up a sharp point. Your prune intake must be phenomenal.

But at the end of the day, Mr Blenkinsop or whatever your real name is, I don’t really care. I don’t care about your background, your upbringing, your dietary requirements... I just want you to stop shitting up the side of my work building.

Get yourself a life. Get yourself a toilet. Get yourself a butt plug.

Just get yourself something.

And stop dumping all of your shit on me.



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53 comments:

Rol said...

When I worked on a phone-in show some years ago, someone once sent us one of these items in the mail. In a nice little box with a message attached. It read: 'My comments on the show'.

Maybe someone's trying to tell you (or your employers) something?

TheUndertaker said...

OMG there are no comments posted yet, I should really say something witty, quickly.. Eh... what was the posy about again? Oh yeah, shit. Hmm... Ok. Whateva is happening Stevie-O, it sounds like crap... Sorry.

Steve said...

Rol: what? Grow more roses? Grow more organic food? I'm just not getting it.

TheUndertaker: typical. I don't hear from you for months and then you just come round for the shit.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Have you sent a sample to the crime lab? I agree that it's probably human, but you ought to be certain before hurling accusations at people. The next step is to work out what the message is. I suspect it is something of a personal nature.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: the girth would suggest human or large dog but the smell is unmistakenly the odour of a colon belonging to homo sapiens. I am an expert in such things, I can assure you.

missbehaving said...

At least you truthfully say your job is shit???

Steve said...

Missbehaving: week in, week out, same shit, different corn. ;-)

Heather said...

Wow, you get all the best jobs, don't you?

Steve said...

Heather: on a good day I get a vomitty-chunks chaser. Mmm. Cocktails. My favourite.

joebloggs said...

The message he/she is trying to leave you most likley is......."Nnnnnnggghaahh"
Perhaps the best thing to do would be to provide a toilet roll, scoop and bag. oh and the Daily Mail after all, one good turn(out) deserves another.

Wylye Girl said...

Crappy, Steve, Crappy!

Steve said...

JoeBloggs: hey, I don't mind turfing out the odd turd but copies of The Daily Mail as well? Isn't my job shite enough?

Wylye Girl: totally scatalogical.

Tenon_Saw said...

Would barbed wire help?

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

Just as I was wishing I was back in the working world along comes someone who makes me realise it really isn't all that.

Thank you and thanks Mr Poo man (it's bound to be a bloke isn't it?).

Clippy Mat said...

Where in God's name do you work???

Can I suggest that you leave a plastic bag on the spot. Inside there should be a newspaper for person to 'go' on and a roll of Toilet paper. After pooping on the newspaper Mr. A.G.Blenkinsop III would wipe his bum, fold it all up and tie it into the bag, leaving a nice neat parcel for easy disposal.
OR
AGB III might even be inspired, once he sees how much you care, to take it home with him instead and dispose of it there!!?

Let me know how that works for you.

Steve said...

Tenon_Saw: a barbed wire bidet? Hee! That's really tickled me! Well. You know what I mean...

Very Bored in Catalunya: undoubtedly. You can tell from the girth. And the skid marks.

Readily A Parent said...

I'm pretty sure that shovelling out the shit allows you to apply for a special "dangerous circimstances" pay raise. You could at least try it.
About Rol's comment, all I can say is that the Royal Mail must work a lot quicker than Canada Post. Had that happened her, the item in the box would have been a corprolite by the time it arrived.

Nota Bene said...

H Block?

lgsquirrel said...

Wow, what would be the odds that this guy reads your blog? Would that be a big coincidence? Conspiracy? Catnip?

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: I work for a local Government Authority so Rol, above, could be correct in his assumption that the droppings are a political comment. As for your suggestion of improving the facilities, that would just lead me to having to supply bags and newspapers for every vagrant in the district who has incontinence problems. Plastic bags ain't free anymore, you know!

Readily A Parent: the ultimate accolade for our UK posties - they'll deliver your shit while it's still fresh and juicy...

Nota Bene: is that a Preparation H reference?

lgsquirrel: where were you yesterday morning between the hours of 8.30am and 9.30am, hmm?

EmmaK said...

Is it wrong of me to ask for some photos of this creation by the street artist. What exactly is he trying to spell?

English Rider said...

just another poo-flinging day in the jungle, (new fave T-shirt slogan)

Steve said...

Emma: I suspect his full message, when he eventually gets it out, might read: help, aliens have taken over my butt.

English Rider: getting one printed up even as I type this reply.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

You've got to be kidding? Seriously? Someone is doing this? And I thought it only happened on farms.

CJ xx

Steve said...

CJ: it's certainly felt like a farm the last couple of days. I may have to invest in some green wellies.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Crikey - you couldn't make it up.

A conceptual artist on the brink of a breakthrough...?

Leamington is rather well furnished with public amenities as I recall, so
what else could possibly be the excuse?

Steve said...

Laura: the last thing I want to think about is this particular conceptual artist's "breakthrough"...

femminismo said...

Yes, perhaps a disgruntled employee! Rol might have it right. Say, are you following the cricket match. Will Britain win the Ashes trophy this year?

Steve said...

Femminismo: possibly, no and yes. Hmm. Perhaps the phantom pooer is Australian?

Fran said...

You think you have problems? A window cleaner did this in our back garden a while ago. Oh yuk. We declined his services next time he came round ...

Steve said...

Fran: you sure he wasn't just wringing out his chamois?

Being Me said...

Poo graffiti? Now that is one misunderstood (and quite possibly not altogether there.... or in the altogether, now there's an image) artiste.

Steve said...

Being Me: I imagine that even his family like to keep their distance.

the fly in the web said...

I am quite sure that even Ponting would not be indulging in the activities described...

Now...this happens at night?

Could you fix a row of spikes in the wall...he won't see them until....

Löst Jimmy said...

It's territorial, maybe he's a primate or maybe he's just a hapless shitter either way it's rude.

Owen said...

Jeez Steve, can't you turn some rattlesnakes loose there, or some rottweilers who've been trained to lunge at anything resembling ass cheeks ??? Probably isn't a human at all, just an animal that you can trap and dump in a sewer somewhere... ?

Steve said...

The fly in the web: I suspect Ponting is feeling distinctly shat on at the moment rather than the shittee...!

Löst Jimmy: you are right, though it does beg the question - just how wide is his territory?

Owen: alas, the smell is so bad the only wildlife that'll come within miles of this hallowed spot are the flies... and I suspect Mr Pooer is well used to them.

rummuser said...

Steve, I wonder what you would do here where there are more cell phones than toilets! (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/india/7593567/India-has-more-mobile-phones-than-toilets-UN-report.html)

Steve said...

Rummuser: possibly wipe my ass with my mobile. There must be an app for that, surely?

Selina Kingston said...

Oh yeucch! I feel ill. I was thinking we would polish off those little yule logs we had left over from Christmas but I can't now - cheers !

Steve said...

Selina: I'm having the same problem with Walnut Whips...

London City Mum said...

You mean that despite the UK's obsession with CCTV, noone has been fingered (sorry) about this?

Or would the shit hit the fan if the truth came to light?

LCM x

Steve said...

LCM: CCTV?! Na ha ha ha ha ha ha! To be honest, there's more chance of finding the (w)hole episode on YouTube or some chav's mobile phone...

misssy m said...

This happened in my street- do you remember- some old bloke had his trousers down in broad daylight in the middle of my road. What is going on??

Steve said...

Misssy M: it's what's going down that worries me...

libby said...

Poor you....you get such crap to deal with don't you? No pun intended there by the way...and I agree with clippy mat...perhaps leaving a bag and a loo roll might help?

The Sagittarian said...

Good grief, I can't believe this! However, even if you caught him or her (??) am sure they would be able to cover their butt with some poofect excuse as to their whereabouts on the night in question....how cheeky.

Steve said...

Libby: sadly, were I to do such a thing I would soone find a demand for a flush mechanism and a bidet...

Amanda: "is this the butt you saw on the night of blah blah blah"... yeah. You're right. It would never sit well in court.

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

Isn't shit meant to be lucky? Buy a lottery ticket.

The Sagittarian said...

haha, but am sure the offender would 'shit well' in court?

Steve said...

Trish: I do every week. I may as well wipe my own arse on it.

Amanda: I don't think he suffers from shy bowels... I think he could unload anywhere.

vegemitevix said...

Don't you hate people who are full of shit! ;-p

Steve said...

Vix: I hate the ones who relieve themselves of it near me a lot more.