Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Wanna Buy A Rolex?

So inflation is up. The cost of living is up. Mortgages and lending rates will undoubtedly go up. The Tories are up to their usual.

The shit is going down.

And it occurred to me that, living right up to the financial wire as I already am, I’d better come up with some sterling (geddit?) ideas to bring some more much needed money into the household (before it goes straight back out again and into the pockets of all the fat, avaricious bankers in the big cities).

I need to become a mover and a shaker. A wheeler and a dealer. Possibly a stealer. Sale of the effing century, mate. So I’ve been racking my brain for dodgy scams that have served mankind well over the previous century to see if I can resurrect them for my own ends.

Idea 1) The used panties scam. I seem to recall in the latter part of the 80’s and early 90’s certain periodicals ran adverts where cotton intolerant ladies offered their used panties for sale to men who liked to entangle their fingers in warm gusset whilst directing high powered business meetings. My idea is to offer the same but with a twist. Used Y-fronts for high flying female execs who like to have their carefully painted fingernails irrevocably glued to recently laid skid marks while finding their jacket pockets exude the unmistakable odour of 3 day old urine. I can offer three different styles: grey and bobbly, leopard print and, for those women with a sense of humour, Bugs Bunny “What’s Up Doc?” underpants. It’s bound to be a smash hit so get your orders in early, ladies.

Idea 2) I come round with a load of me mates and we gives yer the ol’ blarney, loik, and we points out that yer after needing your patio / drive / cladding re-doing cos it’s showin’ soins of wear and tear and will yer be after lookin’ at those tree roots pushing up yer neighbour’s fence posts? Nasty. Well nasty. Will cost yer an arm and a leg if that lot goes over and kills someone so why not pay us the same and we’ll put it bangs to roights fer yer and anyways we’ve already started, look, so yous already owes us a day’s work not to mention fer materials and me man, Mick, there has ripped the arsehole out of his trousers on your loveseat and they don’t come cheap these days, so if you pays up front we promise we’ll put all the bricks and the windows back into the your living room wall, what d’yer say, have we got a deal there, missy? By the way, mine’s milk and 2 sugars and a shot of whiskey if you’ve got it.

Idea 3) I sell myself to smart and discerning clientele who are clean, well heeled and respectful. I am available for in calls and out calls though need an hour’s notice for the latter. For those who want the “long term partner” experience, I specialize in sarcastic conversation and can act like a real caveman and expect you to pay for everything. For a little extra I can deliberately forget your birthday, stand you up for my mates and blame you for the kid’s bad behaviour, hell, it’s all from your side of the family anyway. I would like to point out that any monies paid are purely for my time and company and anything else that occurs is purely between 2 consenting adults. If you want me to sit for an hour and be nagged at please tell me in advance so I can prepare a suitable hangdog, bored shitless look.

Idea 4) I buy some land cheap in an old quarry and make plans to build a Christmas theme park. I buy a load of polystyrene to make fake snow, hire in Warwick Davis to play an elf and drag some bum in off the street to play Santa. Who’s gonna know? I can offer reindeer rides to the kids with the proviso that you have to bring your own reindeer and if you moan that Santa doesn’t seem very festive well it’s because he’s bloody knackered after delivering presents to the whole world on Christmas Eve, give the guy a break, and by the way that isn’t blood in our reindeer burgers it’s tomato ketchup but if you want to write and complain about it please do so care of my totally kosher business address in Spain. Sucker!

Idea 5) I sell both my kidneys, my liver, my pancreas, my heart and lungs, my skin, my eyes, my blood, in fact everything but my bloody spleen just to make ends meet and keep the roof over my children’s heads and the bailiff’s from the door, are you happy now, Cameron, you soapy-faced lightweight, or do you want my sweat and my tears as well?

Any other ideas for fundraising activities will be gratefully received. Thank you for your time.



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47 comments:

Heather said...

I seem to remember reading recently that people were actually taking part in scheme no1. over on ebay...

I just went to find it, sorry, my mistake, it was stockings, not knickers. http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/live-it/hanging-up-your-used-stockings-on-ebay.html

Steve said...

Heather: damn! I don't wear stockings and Jason Donovan is refusing to take my calls. Don't suppose I could borrow some of yours, could I?

Kelloggsville said...

Cameron will offer you a cheaper hospital to have your organs removed at too, probably run by your mates, The surgeon will be sniffing over the sun in his van cab before coming in to hack out your heart (and wallet). Can I put in a preorder for the leopard skins?

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: this will no doubt be the hospital that is due to be moved into my garden shed in another of the Coalition Government's money saving schemes. I have a lovely set of gardening tools that can double up as surgical instruments though the hedge trimmer is not working at the moment so all pre-op patients will have to be shaved with a broken shard of mirror. As for the leopard print pants - would you like them shrink wrapped or stuffed into an old McDonald's burger carton to enhance the smell of old beef?

Wylye Girl said...

I believe the knickers are on eBay too, or at least they were recently. I'll let you ponder about how I know that.......

Can you not just do something easier like pose as a Nigerian billionaire, or a long-lost member of the Ivory Coast side of the family? People still fall for it.

Steve said...

Wylye Girl: A Nigerian billionaire? Hmm. Nice idea. I could do the accent but I'm not sure my bank manager would fall for the necessary "genetic pigmentation problem" line...

Keith said...

Have you considered bedding a celebrity, then selling your story to the tabs ? Follow up with some saucy holiday pics, a teary breakdown on Daybreak ( let's keep it classy eh ? ), then rake it in on the reality show circuit ad infinitum.

Steve said...

Keith: great idea but alas my barge pole won't allow me within 3 metres of Kerry Katona and Keeley Hawes' bargepole won't allow me within 5 metres of her.

the fly in the web said...

Use idea 2...the black gang...

Take over the country with same...no one would notice as the methods of extracting money are similar to those of the banks...

And fill your boots.

Steve said...

The fly in the web: extortion over a cup o' tea? To be honest, I don't even get offered a cup of water when I visit my bank manager. I'm plainly too soft for this game.

Keith said...

That's a lot of bargepoles you've got clattering around you, like civil war pike-staffs.

Rol said...

Idea 1 just brought my lunch back up. Thanks.

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I'll offer you a tenner for your liver, mine's about shot.

Steve said...

Keith: I'm a restoration kind of guy.

Rol: properly packaged I could probably sell that for you on eBay...

Very Bored in Catalunya: sorry, Mickey Rourke put in an early bid for twice that amount...

Gorilla Bananas said...

How much would you charge for letting someone poop on you? I'd introduce you to clients for a commission.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: I'll have to speak to my bank manager about how we organize a tariff system based on weight, texture and odour - he's good at attributing extortionate prices to different kinds of shit.

joebloggs said...

I know just how you feel, I too am offering a variety of body parts(some hardly used! others well...)
By way of a cottage industry I find selling, how can I put this delicatley....bodily fluids*cough cough* to be a great way to suppliment the income. After all you can "work" hours to suit and dont have to give up your main employment, heck you can even "earn a few quid" whilst on your tea-break.
Mind you the need to visit specsavers every week might raise suspicion. I recon if I earn £100 more then I will be able to register as a blind person.

Mark said...

You could try falling over in office / shop / council premises and phone those free claim lines - if you did it often enough you could make a fortune. And the missus - and the kids - think of the possibilities - a sort pyramid insurance scam with no comeback - bit like the Tories really.

Nana Go-Go said...

Another Ebay-related suggestion: shoes - old,smelly,very well-worn,the worse for wear the better and especially if they`re photographed at the end of a very fat ankle encircled with a chain. Not that I have the foggiest idea what the filthy,disgusting bastards do with these items once they`re in their possession, naturally!

Steve said...

JoeBloggs: what a fabulous idea and one that will prove to be no problem at all for guys like me whose cup runneth over...

Mark: having given up trying to make my name as a Hollywood actor it would be nice to finally break my leg and earn bug money another way...

Nana Go-Go: does it need to be high heels or would a smelly pair of Womble Wellingtons suffice?

Barry Coidan said...

You are so sad! Look if you're short of a few knicker to tied you over let us know. We're your friends; we can help - that's what we're here for.

Don't think we don't understand. Your previous posts about your credit card bills, it sounded so brave but we know my little possum. We can help.

Do you have a Rolex to sell?

Steve said...

Barry: I'm all talk and no trousers, me. Mainly because I've sold them on eBay. Pre-stained. Went for a song.

Nana Go-Go said...

Just to clarify....I DO NOT sell my old footwear on Ebay!

Barry Coidan said...

I knew it! Can I adopt you as my charity for the year. It's tax deductable.

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: damn. Now you tell me! I better be able to retract my bid...!

Barry: can you take a charity bag around your neighbours? I could do with some new clothes and any PlayStation 3's they don't want.

Being Me said...

I think you've got a good shot at making idea 5 work. And how's your intestinal tract? Sell it by the metre or throw it in as a bundle, you'd be laughing. Or.... you know.... not.

Tipping cap at Gorilla Bananas' comment. Just brilliant.

Steve said...

Being Me: great. Someone else wanting to see me covered in shit. As if the UK Government on my back isn't enough.

The Sagittarian said...

Best not use your phone, I heard a rumour that Nigella is insanely interested in your (ahem) ideas.

Steve said...

Amanda: is she after my pants or my liver? Apparently she has recipes for both...

Steve said...

Mark: P.S. That should have been "big money" not "bug money" - I think the latter is what you get paid for appearing in I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. Another way to boost my income perhaps?

libby said...

Well, to make some dosh, me and Auntiegwen talked about youtube nude ironing (her...she had the bosoms for it)and talking dirty on a sex line (me....I have the imagination apparently)...maybe you could youtube yourself talking dirty whilst nude ironing?

Vicky said...

Drug testing could be a nice option, side effects would add to conversation LOL

femminismo said...

Steve, sell your writing. Somewhere! Sell it. It's good and funny!!

Owen said...

I'm sure you could get a job writing spam messages... these paragraphs are far more creative than most of the spam I get...

If not, whatever happened to your plans for a trip to Somalia and a new career there ???

Question : Is increasing tendency toward the scatalogically oriented discourse a function of becoming scatter-brained with age ???
:-)
Ok, tell your mates to back off...
I was just kidding.... arrrrggghhhhhhhh..mmmmmphhhhphhh

Steve said...

Libby: there are certain activities that it is inadvisable for a man to carry out whilst nude. Ironing is one of them. Frying eggs in hot oil is another.

Vicky: plus I get free drugs (and possibly grow a pair of breasts)! Win-win!

Femminismo: now that is the dream!

Owen: no, I think you're right. The older I get the more full of shit I become. So my wife tells me anyway.

misssy m said...

Steve- This is ace. Can I cut and paste it onto my business plan. I'm off to the bank this afternoon.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Steve said...

Misssy M: if your bank manager goes for it I want 50% of any resultant turn-over.

Trish @ Mum's Gone to... said...

You've already offered your services as porter for my holidays. I will pay well. What else can you do for me? - I have block paving and a Rolex already, darling.

Steve said...

Trish: I'm pretty good with a hoover. I'd get right up into all your corners...

bigwords is... said...

Gagging at the thought of the y-fronts. Gagging I tell you!

Steve said...

Bigwords is: as in "gagging for it", yeah?

London City Mum said...

How about bottled sneezes? I have plenty of them at the moment, no idea what they might be good for, but hey, people will buy anything given the right spin.

Yes? Good. Aaaa-tissssshhhh-uuuuuu.

Bless me.

LCM x

Steve said...

LCM: bottled sneezes? A cure for nasal congestion perhaps? It could work! I can get some cheap green glass bottles from where I work... or we could "green" them up ourselves...?

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

I'm putting in an order for 2 pairs of skid-marked leopard skins and your pancreas. But let's keep this on the down low. I'm not sure my husband would appreciate this transaction.

Steve said...

Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip: would you like me to post them to you wrapped in plain brown paper?

vegemitevix said...

I quite like the idea of an in-house facilities manager. My place is falling to bits, and the bathroom's falling down, the kitchen's half built and the garden's a potty for the Labrador! You could help me fix that, right?

Steve said...

Vegemitevix: perfect. Just like my day job! Are you going to pay me shit wages as well?