Saturday, September 01, 2007

Gnashers

I’m nursing a sore mouth this morning.

A trip to the dentist yesterday resulted in my pearly-yellows undergoing the orthodontic rigours of the “scrape and polish”. Geez. It sounds like some sort of underworld slang for the kind of service offered by a very down-at-heel (i.e. no heels at all) prostitute who operates from behind the back of a burger van on a Saturday night.

Urgh. Hold the mayo.

Sorry, that was spectacularly uncalled for but pain has a rather souring effect on my funny bone. And no, that was not a euphemism...

Dr Hassan, my dentist, is very thorough and God bless her, she scraped, hacked and polished at my choppers until my gums bled. Literally. And four hours later they were still bleeding.

In fact I spent much of yesterday with the taste of blood constantly in my mouth. It was like permanently having a McDonald’s hamburger rolling and slopping over my molars. Or something reconstituted and burger shaped bought from a burger van that operates on a Saturday night.

Not pleasant.

The worst thing about the “scrape and polish”, as any “scrape and polish” customer will tell you, is not so much the pain (the level of which was really quite surprising – either that or I’m just a complete wuss) but the noise. Everybody winces at the sound of chalk being scraped down a blackboard... but imagine that very same noise being situated right inside your mouth, inside your very head, with the added discomfort of pressure being applied with pin-prick precision along various points of your aching jaws.

My feet were literally curling inside my boots while Dr Hassan carried out her work.

Most discomforting of all was the welding mask that Dr Hassan wore while she set about sand-blasting my teeth to Hollywood-esque perfection. I half expected to find a cow-bar welded to my lower lip when I finally got out of the chair.

Expect to see me racing over rugged terrain and through mountainous foothills the next time a Freelander advert hits your TV screen. I’ll be the one in the background bouncing Aberdeen Angus off my chin and crashing unscathed through wooden farm fences...

13 comments:

The Sagittarian said...

Wow, and I got such a friendly reminder in the post from ymown dentist....now I don't know what to do!! That wee Garfield looks harmless enough, am sure it won't hurt. But then again, thetre is your own reliable account. And george is a great dentist, so polite even when he's trying to coax me down from the ceiling, or with one foot on my chest as encouragment to keep still...

Steve said...

Hi Amanda, although mine was a true and honest account (hand on heart) I do wonder if maybe a lot of the pain I experienced was down to the fact that my teeth and gums are quite sensitive. Karen had a scrape and polish a while ago and hardly felt a thing... I suspect I'm just a coward with a low pain threshold... but then again I did walk around on a broken foot for 3 months last Christmas before the doctors bothered to send to for an X-ray to find out what was causing the pain so maybe my theshold isn't that low!

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I never used to see the point of dental hygienists and thought I had nice white teeth.

That was before I was diagnosed with rampant (previously undiagnosed) gum disease at the age of 30 and told my teeth would start falling out by the age of 40 without radical treatment.

Much 'root planing' later, I totally sympathise Steve. But it is *so* worth it, despite my now 20 min routine before going to bed of various bottle brushes, dental tape (far better than floss!)and a top of the range Sonicare elec toothbrush.

Steve said...

Hi Laura, I must admit my teeth are a bit of a mess and are the one feature about myself that I hate... bad NHS dentist as a kid did for them basically. Still they're better than they were and despite the pain I am very confident in Dr Hassan's abilities. She only took over the dental business this year but she's been a huge improvement - thoroughly modernized the whole practise and I feel reassured by her proactive approach. I just hate having metal implements shoved in my mouth... no matter how much good they're doing me!

The Sagittarian said...

Jeez, don't start with themetal implements please!!!!

Steve said...

The stainless steel carvery was bad enough, Amanda, but what I hated most of all was the "spit vac" that the dental assistant kept slipping into my mouth to stop me "from drowning" (the dentist's words)...!

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Persevere Steve - I've now got the teeth and gums of a 21 year old! (tho'I think she's chasing me to get them back!)

Seriously though, anything that isn't going to wrinkle as one gets older must surely be worth investing in treatment for. Demand some anaesthetic if the pain gets too bad - that's what I had for the first couple of rounds of my treatment.

But every day I thank my lucky stars that I found the tooth angel of Oxford before the tooth fairy found ME! A superb hygienist in Summertown to be precise - totally bossy and £60 a visit - but amazing.

Steve said...

Hey some people would gladly pay £60 just to be bossed about... the dentistry bit would be an optional extra if you fancied "a bit of pain"... or so I've been told. Ahem.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Well sounds like you got the pain alright!

Perhaps she'll boss you about/chase you round with the special brushes and dental tape next time (if you ask nicely!)

Steve said...

Hmm... or torture me with Mentadent P toothpaste while I'm tied down in the reclining chair...? Hey, this idea could really go places...!

The Sagittarian said...

Blimey! Shows what can happen when you just open wide, relax and leave it all up to the professionals.

MOTHER OF MANY said...

About 10 years ago one of my wisdom teeth cracked and became infected, it took approximately 2 weeks to sort it out. I remember very little of those 2 weeks due to pain and the medication.I'm now a bit of an annoying Zealot when it comes to cleaning my teeth, as annoying as a born-again non-smoker.
I think Dentists are brilliant, it is definitely one job I couldn't do.As a nurse you get to do some pretty grotty things but caring for peoples teeth and mouths was definitely my nemesis.

Steve said...

I must admit, the thought of spending 8 hours a day staring down into someone's throat and smelling their breakfast doesn't appeal to me either. I definitely couldn't do it!