The search has been long.
There have been times when I have given up hope, when my heart has cried out, “just let this foolish hope go, learn to live without it – why put yourself through the pain of rejection time and time again?”
But the call, that human call of one to another, of flesh to flesh, is strong and unquenchable. So you lick your wounds. You dust yourself down. You gird your loins and throw yourself back into the market place.
When I first started looking I had a few promising bites, a few responses that I confess I built up too high. Far too quickly I pinned my entire future happiness on them. Invested far too much emotional energy.
To a man they all let me down. They didn’t return my calls. They didn’t answer the phone. Some, the worst of them, faked interest, even went so far as to make plans with me, describing how they thought the liaison would go... and then left me hanging. They disappeared. Took off with someone else. Allowed themselves to be bought by a higher bidder.
I confess I briefly considered a session of DIY. There’s no shame in it. We’ve all done it at some point I’m sure. But – let’s be truthful here – it’s just not as good as when someone else does it for you. When you have the right person on hand to manipulate the right parts. Who will fit you in and make sure all the pipe work connects properly.
So I held out for Mr Right. Held myself firm through the long, dark, cold nights of rejection.
And finally it paid off. Finally I found him.
He was advertising in the local paper. Just a small ad but I saw that as a good sign; a sign that he was as hungry for what I had to offer as I was to give it. His name was Dave. An honest name if ever there was one. I rang him and told him my needs, my voice a-tremble and breathy – how many times had I reached this stage in the past only to be ultimately spurned?!
He said he’d call round. I tried to take it with a pinch of salt, to not get my hopes up lest they be dashed again. But no. He arrived. On time. On the day and time that he said he would. A man of his word.
Finally my heart dared to hope.
He listened to my wants, my desires. He didn’t turn away in disgust or contempt. He could do all that I wanted. He priced it all up. The full service. It was just right. Affordable but no so that I’d feel too cheapened by the transaction.
I agreed. We shook hands. The rendezvous has been set for next week.
The relationship is established!
And now my dear, dear reader my heart is now joyous where once it was bereft. My soul sings where once it did cry. The long search is over. A plumber has at last been engaged. My taps and my leaky bath are to be saved!
He sounds just the man to give you some Armitage Shanks.
Trish: that's rather saucy of you. I'm feeling a little flushed...!
I am so pleased for you. I really hope that this works out for you, please let us know how you get on on your first date.
Very Bored in Catalunya: I have to confess, being a shy boy, I'm a little worried about the size of his tool...
You'll be needing some WD 40 then!
I hope he shows up. My electrician should be coming tomorrow - a new man, I have been stood up a number of times, my confidence has gone...will this one show up...I've picked my outfit, no still in dressing gown moment to put him off but inside I'm a bag of nerves...good luck Steve, I hope we both have a great time!!!!
Very brave to let him have access to your waterworks so early on in the relationship. I hope it works out for you.
Trish: yes... and a good wrench...
Gina: I'm hoping he will treat my pipes with the tender love and respect they deserve and be gentle with my S-bend.
Kelloggsville: as long as he leaves me feeling satisfied and with a warm glow (particularly around the hot tap on the bath) I'll be happy!
My best to both of you as you embark on your relationship. I have tried very hard to think of a double entendre involving pipes, flanges and tools but I'm afraid I've come up wanting.
Misssy M: if after a long session involving pipes, flanges and tools you still come up wanting, your plumber isn't plumbing hard enough. ;-)
I have struck gold in that I married a plumber's son - he can plumb for England and he certainly knows his way around a u-bend! that and he has all his own teeth i am indeed blessed
So sorry to hear your waterworks are playing up. Let's hope the visit from the expert doesn't leave you prostate....
Emma: any chance he can come out to the UK and twiddle my faucets?
Curry Queen: hopefully once he's cleaned my pipes (as they say in France) all the incontinence should stop...
Misssy M: I'm certainly hoping I've pulled.
I am glad you have found one that sounds reliable; they are worth their weight in gold so get some nice biccies in to keep him sweet! I am fortunate enough to live next door but one to a very nice plumber.
YAAAAAAY! Our plumber's name is Craig. They're single-syllabic folk, the good ones ;)
Alienne: I've got some custard creams in specially. Or maybe he'd prefer my ginger nuts?
Being Me: you're right - I should have restricted my search to plumbers with only single syllabic names. I should have known that Julian, Alexander and Christopher would prove to be unreliable!
Ah, young love over the custard creams! My heart is soaring. I had a plumber called Julian. He was absolute shite but my god he was gorgeous. The sight of him standing in my bath in his shorts, and workboots, blowing away that pesky bee that had self-imolated on the pilot light, thus cutting off the gas supply and gently coaxing my boiler back to life will stay with me always - as will the memory of the bill. £150 for, effectively, a blowjob. We didn't even go the whole way!
Previously (Very) Lost in France: £150 for a blowjob? That's rather pricey. Was he charging you Wayne Rooney rates?
You've plumbed the depths here...
Mills and Boon, eat your heart out. I'm so happy for you Steve! I do hope Mrs Bloggertropolis isn't too jealous.
LöstJimmy: you have a mind like a sewer... but I like it.
Laura: she benefits from new taps and a leak free bath. It's a win-win situation.
Just make sure he wraps those pipes in plumber seal. Some of them neglect the protection side of things. And next thing you know you've got pipes that are falling apart. Or a nasty problem showing up a few months later.
Readily A Parent: true, and nor do I want a new extension developing out the front...
I hope it is a long and meaningful relationship for you both!
Ally: I'll be happy with a one night stand as long he unblocks my pipes.
finger crossed he comes round and gives your pipes a good seeing to
Heather: thank you... he's got one helluva plunger on him...!
You have material in these comments to write a 'Carry on ...' script.
Keith: in reality there's material here to write about 27.
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