Friday, September 06, 2013

Sex With Professor Alice

Well, the CD player is already purring with the best of Barry White and I’ve placed scented candles at strategic locations around the bedroom so that the reflection in the mirrored ceiling is warm and arousing. I’ve got champagne on ice, rose petals on the pillows and even a specially scented ice cube to do that “9½ Weeks” thing should she request it. I’ve even flung a copy of Nessa Carey’s “The Epigenetics Revolution: How Modern Biology is Rewriting Our Understanding of Genetics, Disease and Inheritance” under the pillow just in case she’s up for a bit of post-coital research. Although hopefully it will be mid-sesh research and not post-coit; I am, after all, planning to perform all through the night.

I just can’t make up my mind between traditional white satin sheets or eezee-kleen black rubber… It’s so hard to decide. I mean one minute Professor Alice is all prim and proper like a prefect out of Mallory Towers and the next she’s like an attractively geeky love-elf out of… er… The Two Towers.


You can tell I’m nervous, can’t you? This has been on the cards for so long I’m in danger of exploding right here and now. I’ve wanted it for so long. Dreamt of it. Wrote of it. And then deleted what I’d written in case her lawyers ever discovered it. But finally it’s happening.

Sex with Professor Alice Roberts*.

I must admit I’m a little disconcerted that it’s being televised next Wednesday on BBC4 at 9pm. But hey, at least it’s after the watershed so I’m guessing she’s going to dispense with the camisole and may even slip into some science approved lingerie. And I accept it is for the sake of scientific research and not just for pleasure (though I mean to ensure there is plenty of the latter – and for Professor Alice too).

But even so. I’m looking forward to it.

She’s so coy, that Professor Alice. No hints or thinly veiled euphemisms. Not so much as a single flirty text let alone asking me out on a proper date. No, just thrusting it into the BBC programming schedule and trusting that I’d pick up on it; that I’d get the message.

Well, I have.

Professor Alice is presenting a programme about sex next week. And as sure as 2 plus 2 makes 4 and nucleic acids plus various proteins make the building blocks of life Professor Alice and I are gonna make lurve. Yeah yeah, I know it doesn’t mention me in the Radio Times but that’s just to prevent the press from camping out on my doorstep and putting Professor Alice off her vinegar strokes. And I know some of you think I am just hopelessly delusional and am reading far too much into a tiny synopsis printed in a TV magazine but I KNOW, OK? I KNOW in my heart that this is going to happen.

It’s all my birthdays and Christmases come at once. It’s the moment I have been angling and pushing for on this 'ere blog for at least 4 years.

And it’s finally all coming together. Just like me and Professor Alice, in fact.

So don’t spoil it for me.

Just tune in, shut up and watch. You may even learn something.

Just sayin’.

*wink* *wink*

*Sex: A Horizon Special: Wednesday 11th September, BBC4.


Alex said...

Cheers. I'm setting the Tivo right now

Steve said...

Alex: just make sure you get my best side.

London City (mum) said...

Oh my gawd. We have to watch as well? Can I wear sunglasses?


Steve said...

LCM: yes, but nothing else.

Gorilla Bananas said...

I think you know in your hearts of hearts that's she not going to talk dirty. I suppose hearing her say the word "ovum" might get you there if you've got a fluffer to prepare you.

the fly in the web said...

I'll be looking out for this on the Iplayer...if there are no cricket highlights.

Steve said...

Gorilla Bananas: I think you're wrong. Any woman that has proudly pointed out her clitoris on an X-ray to BBC license payers plainly has a mouth like a dirty drain. The fluffer will be unnecessary, I assure you.

The fly in the web: I'm certainly hoping not to be leg before wicket.

Between Me and You said...

Nirvana will have arrived at yours next week then - ya daft ha'pence!

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: I hope not. Dave Grohl can get his own bird.

libby said...

She's just a will be badly let down y'know...just sayin'.

Steve said...

Libby: let me down? She'll have a job. I've been popping the Viagra since Friday.

Keith said...

Ohhhh it's tonight. oh oh, glad I didn't miss it.

Now where is my knitting ?

Steve said...

Keith: that just cannot be sarcasm. You must genuinely be into knitting. Really.