Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Ayes Have It

We think we’re so great, us humans. So darn clever.

We measure our evolutionary advancement solely in terms of technological progress.

It began with machines that would do our work for us. Tools. Bows and arrows. Mills. Looms. Then progressed to huge engines and rudimentary robotics that could standardize the material produced which in turn led to even greater scope for the work we could get our machines to do. Wars and the need to kill more people than our enemies drove us even further forward. Computers came on the scene. Electronic beasts that could out-perform hundreds of men in a single second, with the flash of a single diode.

And then evolution took a new turn. We began to build machines that would take care of our leisure time too. Gaming, Streaming media. Music, film, art. Ironically we probably now employ more people in the leisure industry than we ever did in the industrial revolution. Leisure has become work. Has become an industry.

iPads. iPods. iDocks.

They are the status symbol of modern man. If NASA were to send a new Voyager probe off into the outer reaches of the solar system now it would feature a line drawing of a naked man, a naked woman and the latest incarnation of the iPad.

But in our arrogance we have forgotten that Nature got there first with this so called new-fangled iTechnology.

You only have to check out old naval films to realise that the iAye – a device for acknowledging (usually ridiculous) orders on naval galleons – has been around for hundreds of years. The iAye can usually be slotted into an Aaaar!Dock for those that prefer their pleasures to be pirated.

But even before this advance, millions of years ago in an example of true evolutionary development Nature came up with the iBall. Without this fascinating and incredible complex device mankind wouldn’t have invented the wheel let alone wafer thin electronic notepads. For the majority of us who are fortunate, the iBall comes fitted with iSight as standard. It is an app that most of us take for granted but were it at risk of being taken away would be the one we’d probably realize we valued the most.

And if I could be bothered to pursue this lame conceit any further I could happily hold court on the following examples of pre-Jobian iTechnology: the iLash, the iCandy, the iPatch, the iClaudius, the iCaramba, the iWitness and, finally, that curiously Welsh development, the iDai.

But to be honest, I’m beginning to feel that post is beginning to become something of an iSore and the mood of my dear readership is starting to turn iCy.

iApologize to those of you who thought that this was going to be a serious post... but you were plainly plugged into your iGnoramus app.



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24 comments:

Hannah Denski said...

iLike the seriousness of the start breaking into iPlay

Trish @ Mums Gone To... said...

I have recently purchased the new Why Aye Phone which automatically translates my Geordie accent into the Queen's English. It's mint!

Nathalie said...

Iagree.

Katriina said...

Thanks, Steve. iLaughed out loud reading this.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Hah! You wouldn't look out of place on a pirate vessel, you've got the face for it! Let's not forget the iCicles that would form on your beard as you tried to sail through the north-west passage.

Steve said...

Hannah: iThankyou.

Trish: Way-aye man, I divernt unnerstan a wurd ya sayin like. Tork proppa will yus!

Nathalie: I can tell that you're very switched on.

Katriina: glad it downloaded onto your humour chip OK.

Gorilla Bananas: no double entendre regarding the north-west passage? You're slipping...

Kelloggsville said...

Ionly have one think to say : Android.

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: you've made me very paranoid now.

Being Me said...

iSold. You've won me. iAye? Bloody genius. Wait til you see the sales on International Pirate Day.

Steve said...

Being Me: reminds me of my favourite all-time joke - why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrrr!

Clippy Mat said...

ah've gorra WhyAye phone like Trish. Mine does the oppasit iv hors tho' cos it convorts the Queen's Inglish into Geordie so ah can undastand what posh buggas are on aboot like. d'ye knaa wharra mean?
aye?
nah?

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

iDontknowaboutthat.

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: would you like a job at the BBC?

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: iDo.

Nota Bene said...

There's going to be no 'i's in my reply...here here to anything that makes me smile in the office...

EmmaK said...

I am taking a leaf out of my guinea pigs book and am going back to nature. I am relaxing in a bath of pee covered in guinea pigs pellets. Yes I am something of an iSore.

Steve said...

Nota Bene: is that smile or smiLe?

Emma: iEeeuw!

Marginalia said...

God what have you started!

Steve said...

Marginalia: something I'll never be able to fiNish.

the fly in the web said...

And over here, in times of disaster..
I I I.....

Still laughing about the Aaaar!Dock!

Steve said...

The fly in the web: glad to have given you a humour broadside...!

Marginalia said...

if you can't beat them...What about an iGod?
"i the father, i the son and i the holy ghost"

Steve said...

Marginalia: or did the devil get their first with his iMpious ways?

Timbo said...

U wot?

Steve said...

Timbo: iCan'tbebotheredtoexplainitallagain.