Friday, March 23, 2012

Skin

Nothing says “real person” more than bad habits.

See, I don’t subscribe to the view that people should be perfect or beyond all reproach. Stars and celebrities who project an air of excessive personal hygiene to the point of godliness are damned liars and fakers. I actually think such media projected sterility makes them less lovable. I mean, could you really love someone who never ever hooks a bit of earwax out of their inner ear with a fingernail?

Think carefully before you give that question a kneejerk response.

If we were all to be honest about it, picking one’s nose makes one more human, more fallible, more real and more accessible and, therefore, more deserving of other people’s love and more able to be loved.

To that end then, to court your adoration and earn the love I know that you are all yearning to give me, I have decided to share a few of my bad habits with you.

Nose and ear picking can be assumed as standard. We all do those. Some of us use cotton buds on sticks. Some of us fashion the corner of a hankie into a surgeon’s scoop. Some of us even buy those little mini Henry desktop Hoovers in an attempt to automate the process but we all – all of us – at some point in our lives introduce various hooking devices into the small recesses of our faces to remove redundant matter. I’m not going to bore you with the wherewithal of this or cut and paste data from my mucus log-book to give you an example of my longest bogey or most scallop like clump of earwax... just assume that I do it like the rest of you (though possibly with a little more class).

No, peculiar to me (not necessarily peculiar to you) my worst habit is probably picking my actual face.

Spots, mini scabs, tiny blemishes, dried and dead skin, anything that feels out of odds and disrupts the smooth texture of my skin when caressed with a sensitive fingertip is up for immediate removal in my book. Even better are those tiny scales of dead white skin that become trapped within the follicle forest of my beard or moustache. Because they have to be teased out through the barrier of possessive bristles that tend to want to keep them embedded where they are. I think that it’s this obstacle course of hair that makes the process all the more enjoyable. You can’t just have a quick scratch and flick and be done with it.

You have to dig. You have to wheedle. You have to be subtle and tactical. Especially if you want to get the skin out all in one piece replete with visible follicle holes.

I find I go into an almost meditative state when I engage in this activity. It’s, like, totally Zen. I bliss out. I enter an altered state of consciousness. It is deeply therapeutic. I suspect it is a shamanistic activity though Google doesn’t appear to want to back me up on that one at the moment.

Ha! What does Google know? Does Google have a face to pick?

No.

Sod Google.

So.

There we go.

I pick my face. I am totally deserving of your love and adoration and devotion. And if anybody doubts the veracity of that claim you can now prove it beyond all reason.

Now pucker up and kiss me like a good 'un.



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32 comments:

The bike shed said...

You give a whole new meaning to Facebook

Steve said...

The bike shed: damn. Wish I'd thought of that. My brain plainly needed a quick poke.

Readily A Parent said...

What's this about quick pokes?

I am a finger picker - chewing nails, ripping off cuticles. And just a general pick. I've been known to pick myself raw. But then again, I'm neurotic. And you, so obviously, are not.

Steve said...

Readily A Parent: I am now.

vegemitevix said...

I have a blu tack habit. It's not smart and it's not funny, but I twiddle Blu Tack. I have hoards of the stuff stashed around the house, behind the bedhead and even in the car. It helps me concentrate. Oh and I pick my face too, so I can completely get the idea of wanting to restore the smooth perfection of your face. Mwah! There. Better?

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I'm a face picker too (along with nose, ears, etc...) and can turn a microdot of imperfection into a scab the size of a 50p piece within minutes. I don't think I have a photograph of me without some face mutation of my own doing.

Hannah Denski said...

Eeeew, I like the facebook poking better! ; )

This does indeed puts a different lights on us... mortality...

Gorilla Bananas said...

You know what you need? A harem of female gorillas. They would pick you clean, man. And not just your face, the rest of your body too. Let me know when you want to give up wanking and enjoy the real thing.

Hannah Denski said...

Habits are easier to pick then to lose.

Gappy said...

Ew Steve! Ick! I can only cope with my own private habits.

By the way, did you know you've been short-listed for a Brilliance In Blogging award?

Well done you! xxx

Steve said...

Vix: why can I smell Blu Tack? ;-)

Very Bored in Catalunya: be most welcome, sister!

Hannah: the only advantage with Facebook is that you never get scurf beneath your fingernails...

Gorilla Bananas: talk to the hand 'cos the face ain't listening...

Hannah: other things are even easier to pick than that.

Gappy: who? What? Where? Tell me more, oh Lady Gapworth!

Clippy Mat said...

well really!
barf.
i just threw up a bit.
(and then picked the dried bits off my chin.)
:P

Steve said...

Clippy Mat: bagsy a sniff of the carroty bits!

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

I'm picking fruit at the moment.

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: my mother always said I could grow potatoes in my ears...

The Sagittarian said...

I've picked you as a great blogger for quite some time now...

Steve said...

Amanda: and, in true Austin Powers style, you're "a keeper"...

Timbo said...

I once pulled out my liver, liquidised it, froze it and put it back in again. Admittedly a bit more messy than picking your scalp but I've had no further problems with my liver! That is actually true by the way.

Katriina said...

Oh yes, spot-squeezing is brilliant. In that respect, I almost miss my spotty teenage days - they were awful and awkward, but at least I had constant access to fresh, plump zits that could be squeezed most satisfyingly.

Bubble wrap is just not the same.

Steve said...

Timbo: apparantly alcohol is a great preservative...

Katriina: ah the joys of pus! I remember it well!

TimeWarden said...

I wonder why people regard picking one's nose as a bad habit? Everyone has to be able to breathe, so I would've thought it fundamental to an individual's continued existence!

Steve said...

TimeWarden: very true - in some cultures the mothers suck the snot from out of their kid's noses when they are too small to pick it out for themselves.

Marginalia said...

It's the body's largest organ, don't you know. (Down Errol).

Steve said...

Marginalia: you speak for yourself.

Trish @ Mums Gone To... said...

Gappy mentions that you've been shortlisted for a Brilliance in Blogging award from BritMums. May I pimp for you, Steve, and tell your readers your blog is in the top 20 shortlist in the 'lit' category for brilliant writing. Well-deserved!

http://www.britmumsblog.com/announcing-the-bibs-shortlist/

Steve said...

Trish: I had no idea about any of this until the wondrous Gappy informed me. Feel free to pimp me all you want. Really I ought to think about doing a little DIY pimping too... I need all the help I can get! ;-)

Löst Jimmy said...

Feel free to pick at will, remember to wash your hands after!

Steve said...

Löst Jimmy: before is often a good idea too!

Being Me said...

I'm just dancing on the spot that your writing has been shortlisted! Wa-hay! You keep yourself too small, you do.

I am thoroughly repulsed by this post. And it's again thanks to the minutae of the details. Just disgusting. Brilliantly gross.

Steve said...

Being Me: er... thanks?

;-)

Selina Kingston said...

I feel sick !

Steve said...

Selina: I feel skin.