Monday, March 26, 2012

Reasonable Farce

What a difference an A makes.

Not sure where this came from – just playing with words really – but it occurred to me the other day that the working life of us all (possibly even our home lives too) could be much improved by substituting “force” for “farce”.

Take, for example, using reasonable force. The police encourage the use of reasonable force when making a citizen’s arrest. Hell, they even say they themselves use reasonable force when apprehending members of the criminal fraternity (clearly innocent newspaper sellers lie outside this guideline). But what is reasonable force? A Half Nelson? A kick to the tenders? A quick crack across the cranium with a telescopic truncheon?

It’s too woolly. Too hazy. Someone could still get hurt.

But not if you used reasonable farce.

Arresting someone whilst dressed up as a carnival pirate with an eight foot long feather sword whilst singing an old Gilbert O’Sullivan number would ensure that their human rights are not impinged upon in the slightest and no bodily injury is caused to anybody. Even better if you used a batter pudding throwing machine that you just happened to have about your person. You could even change your name by deed poll to something mildly amusing like “Gay Abandon”. I mean, what self-respecting crim would object to going to the nearest police cell with Gay Abandon?

And instead of forcing the issue in difficult and emotional situations why not relieve the tension and expose the elephant in the room by farcing the issue? Don’t want to interrogate your other half about the affair you think they are having and stirring up a real shitstorm? Just dress up as the mistress / lover in question, add a Groucho Marx moustache and cigar to the whole ensemble and then strut around doing deliberately bad impressions of them. Your other half will certainly get the picture but will have their tongue-tying guilt and shame somewhat mediated by the Music Hall values of your impromptu performance. A major row will be instantly averted allowing you to proceed with an adult and meaningful discourse that could save your entire relationship! Hoorah!

And finally, for those times when the doo-doo really is hitting the fan, don’t bother pining for that sci-fi fantasy – a forcefield – what you really need is a farcefield. A sphere of benign travesty that extends a couple of feet outwards from your person and entangles all who fall within its embrace in bizarre pratfalls and extravagant vehicular chases that involve bathtubs on castors, pantomime horses and custard pie flinging trebuchets. Instant invincibility and a jolly good laugh to boot for all involved!

What a hoot!

So remember folks, next time you are being dogged by the Dark Side...

...just use the Farce.



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24 comments:

Nota Bene said...

Did you forget to take the pills this morning? Has David Cameron got to you?

Steve said...

Nota Bene: yes, he was drunk with sherry and Viagra and he farced himself upon me with Gay Abandon...

Kelloggsville said...

I have decided that Ms G Abandon is now going to be my hotel name. Fantastic amusement provided by you Steve for years to come. Well done, cheque is in the post.

Katriina said...

Seriously funny stuff. Steve, you are a farce of nature.

the fly in the web said...

Your reply to Nota Bene has made me come over all of a quiver...

The thought of Cameron and Gay Abandon farcing him(them)self(ves) upon you while high on sherry and Viagra makes me realise that there must be more to life in the U.K. than I had thought!

Steve said...

Kelloggsville: I look forward to the cheque arriving in my hand via a catalogue of improbable situations...!

Katriina: people have long said that I am a farce to be reckoned with...

The fly in the web: sadly, only virtually and that only in my clinically dubious imagination.

Hannah Denski said...

I could do with little farcing around indeed... World's way too serious! Thanks for farcing smile on my face again Steve! : )

Gorilla Bananas said...

This is more than mere wordplay. It's clearly come from a deep survival instinct to play the buffoon rather than risk having the percussion accompaniment to The Radetzky March played on your kneecaps. You've discovered your inner orangutan.

Steve said...

Hannah: sometimes, with humour, you have to farce the issue.

Gorilla Bananas: I feel the need to swing on an old tyre and kiss Clint Eastwood.

Nana Go-Go said...

Dunno what you've been smokin' but I'll have some of it!Try and have a good week with Gay Abandon....May the Farce be With You too.

Steve said...

Nana Go-Go: I'm the captain of Farce Ten From Navarone and I salute you.

John Gray said...

did someone shout "gay abandon?"
I am here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve said...

John: are you here to arrest me? I won't go quiet, copper! You'll have to take me by farce of arms!

Jon said...

"Farce" is French for sausage meat. Try and use that and I suspect colourful misunderstanding (and Scotched eggs) my result.

Steve said...

Jon: I quite like the thought of the police (the pigs) using reasonable sausage meat to apprehend ne'er-do-wells.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

You would love Alf's Imperial Army, but you will have to move to NZ to join.

Löst Jimmy said...

I'm living a farce right now and while doing so I'm taking down the back of the couch to see if I can find a spare £250k for dinner at Mr and Mrs Cameron's flat. I bet you that they use Birds Eye Rice Fusions to impress their guests...I long to put my tuppence worth in on the state of the union while tucking into a plate of Arctic Roll.

Vicky said...

We have a rugby league team here in Perth called "The Farce" oops mean The Force LOL

Being Me said...

I want a farcefield!!!! Wait..... I've got one.

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: just another good reason to emigrate.

Löst Jimmy: I think you're right. Somehow I can't see the Cameron's tucking into a plate of Uncle Ben's.

Vicky: and does the hat fit?

Being Me: ah, but are you a padwan or a Jedi master?

TimeWarden said...

If you're dressed up as a carnival pirate, you might be better off singing something from The Pirates Of Penzance by Gilbert AND Sullivan rather than Alone Again, Naturally!

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I not sure what witty response I can come up with, but I am still chuckling at the image of a badly-done-by spouse trapsing around the room with a comedy 'tache impersonating the lover.

Jocular Vain said...

Ouch about use of lethal farce?

I'm finking like, if one of the lads from Task Farce:D comes across a punter wot 'as a smart alec allerjerk reaction, like regretible, alphabetical shock, bee stings and wotnot, y'know like not appreeshee.. gettin it, the choke, right? gettit? doohwot? this is the choke, mate - just kiddin ya! 'sa knockout eh? Canny techit nomore eh? Pla'in dead now eh? Mate?

Oi, y'know, next fing yore on the blower; tickled 'im to deaf, Guv - axeidental like, I swear (bleeping bleepy bleep) is too true.. I wos only looking to put 'im stiches but...

Yeah, yeah, a cryin shame. Bright side... least 'e got 'is last larf an' all that. Oomer's no larfin matter, I tellya, it's dead serious it is. Nah... just kiddin!

Steve said...

TimeWarden: now that really would be farcical!

Very Bored in Catalunya: a comedy tache is the saviour of most fraught situations.

Jocular Vain: actually I rather fancy having a huge 'tache and a stiff scarf like in the Royal Air Farce and flying a Sopwith Camel.