Have you ever had one of those occasions where you’ve told a white lie and then the lie has kind of come true?
It’s like you made it happen. Like saying it out loud to another person made it real. Birthed it into the reality of the material universe. I spoke therefore it was.
Well, that happened a couple of times last week. I’m not saying I fib all the time but, you know, needs must. I white lie all the time while I’m at work. It starts with that sunny smile I paint on my face every morning and continues throughout every word and deed as the day progresses. We all do that, right? To get the bucks?
So it got me thinking. And thinking got me a desperately lame epiphany.
Maybe I could use this universal mechanism to win the jackpot on the lottery. I mean, for £1 a go, it’s worth a shot, right?
So I told my wife and kids that I was going to win the lottery jackpot this Saturday. No ifs or buts. I was buying the winning ticket. I told myself the same when I went into the newsagents and handed over my smirking pound coin. I am buying the winning ticket. I looked at the other customers in the queue ahead of me buying their own tickets. Poor sods, I thought. They’re wasting their money. Losers. The result has already been preordained by the verbalization of my positive thoughts. The winning lottery ticket is coming to me.
I then went home and confirmed to my wife that the winning ticket was now in our possession.
I would brook no doubting or poopoohing. No tish-toshing or balderdashing.
This was real. It was happening. It was going down.
Saturday came. The Lottery balls dropped (cough).
I got one measly number.
And a broken finger from scrunching up my lottery ticket so furiously.
Screw you, universe!
But then it hit me.
What the magic ingredient was.
It’s not positive thinking or “verbalizing with intent” that makes white lies come true.
It’s the guilt.
That little stab of guilt and suspicion; that little thought of “oh God, I hope I haven’t just cursed myself; I bet it’ll all come true now”.
It’s the guilt that does it.
So I’ve got me another pound coin for this week. I’m going to buy another lottery ticket. And I’m going to say to everybody I meet that I’m going to win the lottery jackpot and leave all you grovelling poor people behind. I’m going to cast you all off like the dust from my shoe.
But it’s only because I want to feel really guilty.