Monday, March 19, 2012

How To Win The Lottery

Have you ever had one of those occasions where you’ve told a white lie and then the lie has kind of come true?

It’s like you made it happen. Like saying it out loud to another person made it real. Birthed it into the reality of the material universe. I spoke therefore it was.

Well, that happened a couple of times last week. I’m not saying I fib all the time but, you know, needs must. I white lie all the time while I’m at work. It starts with that sunny smile I paint on my face every morning and continues throughout every word and deed as the day progresses. We all do that, right? To get the bucks?

So it got me thinking. And thinking got me a desperately lame epiphany.

Maybe I could use this universal mechanism to win the jackpot on the lottery. I mean, for £1 a go, it’s worth a shot, right?

So I told my wife and kids that I was going to win the lottery jackpot this Saturday. No ifs or buts. I was buying the winning ticket. I told myself the same when I went into the newsagents and handed over my smirking pound coin. I am buying the winning ticket. I looked at the other customers in the queue ahead of me buying their own tickets. Poor sods, I thought. They’re wasting their money. Losers. The result has already been preordained by the verbalization of my positive thoughts. The winning lottery ticket is coming to me.

I then went home and confirmed to my wife that the winning ticket was now in our possession.

I would brook no doubting or poopoohing. No tish-toshing or balderdashing.

This was real. It was happening. It was going down.

Saturday came. The Lottery balls dropped (cough).

I got one measly number.

And a broken finger from scrunching up my lottery ticket so furiously.

Screw you, universe!

But then it hit me.

What the magic ingredient was.

It’s not positive thinking or “verbalizing with intent” that makes white lies come true.

It’s the guilt.

That little stab of guilt and suspicion; that little thought of “oh God, I hope I haven’t just cursed myself; I bet it’ll all come true now”.

It’s the guilt that does it.

So I’ve got me another pound coin for this week. I’m going to buy another lottery ticket. And I’m going to say to everybody I meet that I’m going to win the lottery jackpot and leave all you grovelling poor people behind. I’m going to cast you all off like the dust from my shoe.

But it’s only because I want to feel really guilty.

Honest.



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16 comments:

Alex Walsh said...

I like to apply my theory of binary logic to the lottery. The chances of me winning the lottery (or any other event happening for that matter) are one in two. Either it will happen or it wont. None of this 17m to 1 nonsense. Of course, since I've not won the jackpot once, this means I'm even unluckier than I thought I was!

joebloggs said...

The only guaranteed way of "winning" the lottery is to buy a ticket and then give it to the least deserving person you know. Works every time.

Steve said...

Alex: hexadecimal is so much more fun.

Joe: that's why I'm in the work syndicate.

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden said...

Of couse I need to buy a ticket to even have a 1 in n chance of winning. The most useful thing I won (during a phase when I was entering every free competition going - not thinking too much about the prizes, just increasing my chances of winning 'something') was a year's supply of goat's milk!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Hah, since when did feeling guilty win anyone the lottery? That's not going to happen until you build an effigy of Catweazel in your garden and dance around it every night with your beard dyed green.

Kelloggsville said...

It's my week this week, you'll have to wait one more. Im so confident your plan will work I've put it into action and handed my notice in. This time next week I'll be a millionaire.

John Gray said...

I once told someone I HAD met Russell crowe
and then I did
but then I woke up!

The bike shed said...

Bet you win a tenner!

Steve said...

Lady Mondegreen's Secret Garden: the sum of all the prizes I have ever won amounts to a Lego set, 2 teddy bears and a football. I kid you not.

Gorilla Bananas: is that proven to work?

Kelloggsville: ...and I'll be very guilty.

John: what accent was he using?

The Bike Shed: easy money. You're on!

Nota Bene said...

Think you should share the winning with all your loyal readers....

Very Bored in Catalunya said...

I'm composing my begging letter as we speak...

Steve said...

Nota Bene: you mean tell you all about it? Of course I will!

Very Bored in Catalunya: you'll get much better results with a bribe.

Rol said...

Want something to feel really guilty about? Deprive your family and friends of enjoying all that lovely cash by sending your winning ticket to me. That's a guaranteed sure-fire solution.

Steve said...

Rol: if it works we'll split it 50/50 (see, there are no flies on me).

Timbo said...

Ahh the power of positive thinking.

Steve said...

Timbo: yes. It leads inevitably and unfailingly to abject failure. But at least you have a smile on your face.