But this is all a lie.
I am at heart a popularist. A pop person. A middle of the road, representational, non-abstract, can-you-see-what-it-is-yet, the-medium-is-not-the-message, does-what-it-says-on-the-tin kind of guy. I like paintings to look like something real. Music to have a tune. Lyrics to tell a story. And movies...
I like movies, even if they do nothing else, to just entertain.
And this gets me into trouble. Because my frustration threshold with movies is pretty high. I can take a whole heap of cheesy dialogue and improbable plot devices and still have a great time at the cinema. Because, at the end of day, I just want to be shown a good time.
The movie doesn’t have to be intelligent. The experience doesn’t have to be meaningful. The story doesn’t have to be worthy. In fact I’d much rather it wasn’t.
If movies were women I’d be up for a one night stand with the town bike.
I don’t want a relationship; something that will stay with me forever; something that will change me. I don’t want a trophy girl, or a rich girl or a high maintenance girl. Quick, cheap and nasty is fine. Behind the pub, up against the bins, no small talk. In and out, both our bells ring, ding-a-ding-ding. Never going to see you again... not unless you’re out on DVD for a reasonable price anyway.
Which isn’t to say I don’t get pulled into worthy movies. To classics. Of course I do. I enjoy a steak as much as the next man. All I’m saying is, most of the time, when I go out to the movies, I’m happy with a hamburger.
It means I can forgive films like Immortals, Sherlock Holmes and Clash Of The Titans. I’m aware that other bloggers can’t. Bloggers with more taste and higher standards than me.
I’m a movie scumbag and I admit it.
I look at film posters for movies like Black Swan and Salmon Fishing In The Yemen and I can feel my guts cramp in boredom. I’m sure these are great movies. Well written. Pieces of incredible movie art. They’d enlighten me. Cause me to question my own linear, one-track existence.
But they make me want to shit bullets.
I want pizzazz. I want spectacle. I want escapism.
I don’t want misery and the dreariness of the human condition thrust into my face while I thrust handfuls of Mars Planets into my face.
I ain’t looking for nothing but a good time. I’m just an easy rider, baby. I’m out for a laugh and nothing more. Don’t get all heavy on me.
And if that makes me shallow and superficial, well, I can stay at home and self harm to Joy Division records with the best of them. I have as many depths and facets as everybody else. I really do.
I just leave them behind me when I climb into a cinema seat.
So I’m just saying... if you read this blog and you’re expecting choice movies reviews that are considered and sophisticated and erudite you’re going to be (or, more likely, have been) massively disappointed.
As long as a movie can stick it’s tongue down my ear and frottage me up, I’m perfectly happy.
So you Culture Show fans might want to get your movie reviews somewhere else...
Now shut up please – the Pearl & Dean presentation is about to begin.
So you're off to see the new Jason Statham film then?
No surprises here, you've got hokum entwined in your beard. I hope you get cast as an extra in the next sequel of The Poseidon Adventure. There are many sea creatures you could pass for.
Oh but Black Swan was great! Entertaining as well as, you know, technically good. Really dark. Give it a go!
Nota Bene: I said I liked hamburgers. Not chicken McNuggets.
Gorilla Bananas: A shark? An Orca? A Blue Whale? The thing about hokum is... it works.
Gappy: I may have backed myself into a corner with this one. Black Swan was one of the presents I bought my wife for Christmas. We're still to get round to watching it.
I don't watch a lot of movies. Too busy re-watching episodes of Miranda on DVD.
I did see Black Swan, though, and it really and truly was great. Turn off the lights and turn up the sound.
Katriina: we're big fans of Miranda in my house. If she made a film I'd definitely watch it.
I am such a cliches top ten person with a penchant for Jilly Cooper and ninties girl bands. I should just accept my fate
About Last Weekend: Jilly Cooper? Really? Plainly there is a level to which even I just cannot go.
I am crap at watching films, if I don't fall asleep then I am totally unable to suspend reality and will just nitpick my way through the entire 2 hours. Much to the annoyance of my movie loving husband.
Pretty much all of my favourite films are British, grim up north types (think Kes, Trainspotting, Brassed Off) — certainly not big on escapism!
Saying that though, I was gripped watching the trailer for the new Ridley Scott film so maybe there is hope for me yet.
I have it on good authority that 'Salmon Fishing'........is a pile of cack. I would have said you were definitely an 'Emanuelle Rides Again' type but I notice you dislike Jilly Cooper...good man!Have a great Bank Holiday Weekend, My Bearded Friend.
Ah, if movies were supposed to be something higher, they wouldn't film them on plastic, now would they ?
PS I also cast a vote for Black Swan, thoroughly enjoyed it last winter, and it left me breathless at moments ... :-)
Very Bored in Catalunya: Brassed Off is a great film. The bit where Stephen Tomlinson tries to hang himself whilst wearing a clown costume makes me laugh uncontrollably. It's just the kind of guy I am.
Nana Go-Go: Debbie Does Dallas is the one for me. Though I'm rather fond of Brenda Bonks Birmingham.
Owen: OK. Another vote for Black Swan. This will please my wife no end 'cos now I'm going to have to watch it.
Steve I am always massively disappointed when I read your blog - massively disappointed that my meagre efforts do not compete!
Ok Steve, I'm a bit choosy when it comes to movies; no real life drama films for me - Leigh and Loach are fine but I see enough crap in my daily grind without wishing to be reminded of it while I munch my toffee coated popcorn. No it has to be escapism for me, pure and bloody simple. As for Black Swan, I recommend it - Dark and thrilling, plus Portman & Kunis get it on, and that...dear friend is enough escapism for me!
Tenon_Saw: being incredibly superfical and shallow I do, of course, respond very well to flattery.
Löst Jimmy: "Portman & Kunis get it on"? Well why the hell didn't they say that on the poster? I'd have gone to the Imax if I'd known!
My tutor said that if you couldn't enjoy escapist rubbish as well as high minded stuff you'd never be an intellectual....
I suspect this remark came about when meeting him coming out of 'The Guns of Navarone'.
I took the girls to see the latest Avengers movie last week - all I can say is that Mrs Peel has changed considerably!
The fly in the web: there ain't nothing wrong with The Guns Of Navarone. Your tutor is a wise man.
Amanda: I doubt anyone could ever improve on Diana Rigg. But I'm open to people trying.
Shits and giggles work for me.
When it comes to movies, I do have a low threshold for the really trite stuff. However, Tootsie is one of my favourite movies of all time. But come on... you telling me you sat through Intolerable Cruelty? I couldn't do it.
Being Me: have to say the only intolerable cruelty I know of exists in the workplace. Never heard of the film. You can see why I don't consider myself a film buff, can't you?
You're about to review Battleship, aren't you?
Rol: I like a hamburger... not a fillet'o'fish.
To be honest, the next film I'm going to see is likely to be Avengers Assemble. It may have to be the 2D option after your last post.
You old low brow you! My you hid that well....
Hey hey, slow rider! I almost missed this one! (going to have to follow less blogs to be able to keep up) :)
I don't do horrors. None of that zombie haunting stuff or Hostel like stuff that scared the tourists out of Slovakia. BUT, I have, rather unintentionally, enjoyed The Others with Nicole Kidman. And Stephen King’s adaptation of Dreamcatcher. And I can only recommend the latest Woman in Black with Daniel Radcliffe – simply must see!
C’mon, never say never! :)
Marginalia: hid that well? Have you not been paying attention to this blog?
Hannah: I like proper ghost stories - not cheesy gore-fests - so The Others gets a big thumbs up from me and I love the original Woman In Black so would be up for the latest remake.
If you had to sit through Alvin & the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked you might alter your view!
Adventures of a Middle-aged Matron: if it's that bad I'd probably like it.
there are cappuccino movies and popcorn movies and I am a popcorn movie person all the way!
Grenglish: I could murder a milkshake.
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