Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Kelly’s Heroes

Karen and I ended up debating the allure of GMTV presenter Lorraine Kelly last night - the reason being we’d just watched a repeated episode of Have I Got News For You – the one presented by Lorraine – on UKTV G2. I’d like to point out at this point that debating the merits or otherwise of breakfast TV presenters is not a normal pastime in our house.

Anyway Karen commented on the fact that, like an awful lot of men, I find Lorraine Kelly intriguingly attractive and I had to agree that there is something about her that a lot of guys seem to go for in a big way. But what exactly is it?

Having thought about it over night (oo-er) I think Lorraine’s attractiveness is based on a few key points.

1) First and foremost she IS actually a beautiful woman. Stunningly so. That alone will do it for most guys.

2) She’s giggly and funny – a huge plus in anybody’s book – and tied in with that is the fact that she obviously has an absolutely filthy sense of humour. That is always attractive. Yet she’s never coarse which is a repulsive trait in absolutely anybody (Jade Goodey take note).

3) Sure she’s a bit mumsy but she’s NOT mumsy in a pinafore, feather duster and stench of Mr Sheen kind of way. She’s mumsy in a MILF kind of way (pardon the expression) and that’s a BIG difference.

4) She’s also patently intelligent, quick witted and sensitive. All admirable traits I’m sure you’ll agree – you just cannot be great without them.

5) But the real reason – and I have acknowledged the truth of this to Karen’s face – is that (to quote an exemplary episode of Bottom) she has an absolutely "wazzo pair of jugs".

I’m sorry if this offends people. But it IS true and I suspect most guys tune into breakfast TV every morning for no other reason than to get their fix of Lorraine Kelly’s delectable cleavage swinging pendulously as she fidgets and giggles on the sofa.

Are we hetero guys really so shallow, superficial and so utterly predictable in our stimuli?

It seems that we are.

Even the Lorraine Kelly Appreciation Society uses the following as a tag-line on their site: "She [Lorraine] is on GMTV every morning, where she gives her male fans a glimpse of her shapely legs and her magnificent cleavage!!"

So there you go: Lorraine Kelly, folks... a woman of many talents and virtues which can yet so easily be whittled down to two.

But my God are they good ones.


Old Cheeser said...

Well now if I can write about Beverley Craven I guess you can write about Lorraine Kelly!! Actually that's a bit of a mean comparison, Lorraine has SLIGHTLY more going for her than Bev, nice jugs notwithstanding.

She's also liked and loved by gay men too, so you can add that one to the list. I think the filthy sense of humour has something to do with that, plus the fact that she has a certain camp quality to her.

But whatever happened to Anne Diamond?

-eve- said...

Wow, I wish my place had the sort of breakfast tv shows you watch! ;-)

Steve said...

If you'd suffered the horror that is Eamonn Holmes wittering on and on about matters so grey they make the colour grey appear to be really quite interesting actually while you try and ingest a bowl of cornflakes you wouldn't be so envious, I assure you...!

Steve said...

Funnily enough, Old Cheeser, Anne Diamond lived for a while in my home town of Leamington Spa. Yes. Not exactly the claim to fame that any of us would wish for.

Last I heard she'd had her stomach stapled (or something) to aid her quest to lose weight.

Still, stapling your stomach is not as drastic a measure as submitting to a Gillian McKeith dieting regime...

Old Cheeser said...

My Goodness! Well Anne D is loved by some I'm sure. There's a certain dark humour in knowing that the former TV Am presenter once lived in your home town!

That's a bit nasty, not to say drastic, getting her stomach stapled though - yuk. Actually I remember seeing her on CBB a few years ago and she had ballooned somewhat. Not the thin young thing she used to be. I wonder if Roland Rat has piled on the pounds too? Sadly we don't see or hear so much of him these days.

Steve said...

I think Roland is currently stacking shelves in Tesco alongside Geoffrey from Rainbow, Brian Cant and Floella Benjamin.

You just can't get the staff these days...